Changes in attraction

Yes, I did this for years and convinced myself if I wanted to feel something even though I didn’t, that meant I was straight, and even though I could spontaneously fantasize about giving blow jobs, I wasn’t gay because I didn’t want to feel that,

Once a a girlfriend was giving me oral, I looked down and thought “she’s having all the fun”. When she mentioned she was reading u- about giving good oral, I immediately felt like I wanted to learn about it , where I could barely get through those ‘how to please a woman’ guides.

 

I have long been confused by my differing physical attraction to men and women. I always assumed I was bisexual but in reality my early sexual attraction and physical relationships were all same sex. As I gotten older my attention certainly began to focus more exclusively on other men and this seemed to be reinforced by the much greater physical satisfaction I have always enjoyed through gay sex.

 

Yes! This exactly! The more I accepted and allowed myself to entertain the notion I might actually be gay rather than bi the more excited I became. I thought it would just be another "gay phase" but the excitement feels stronger than ever.

 

I was in heavy heavy denial, and though I almost exclusively fantasized about men, I saw it as ‘blocking’ my attraction to women- it was some ‘problem’, flaw, kink, blocking me from being aroused by women.

Once I allowed for the idea that I might be gay, it felt like a damn bursting, the changes were so powerful it felt like I was almost losing control, and the denial attempts became more and more feeble. Denial felt like a gray, dead existence and acceptance , although it was scary, was filled with excitement. Although I was still scared about being gay, I found I had a super strong desire to tell certain women I trusted I was gay. ( it was all women that I told) . I found myself excited about the idea of dating, something I was never into when I was trying to date women. Lastly, with the denial gone, it was easy to see how naturally I desired gay sex - when I was honest with myself I realized for example I wanted to give oral way more than I desired to even orgasm with a woman. How could it rationally keep telling myself I was ‘straight’?

 

This exactly describes my ‘journey’ - I have also read lots of stories here from men who say the same thing, once they accept they are gay, interest and attraction to women rapidly diminishes.
I have some lingering ‘attraction’ to women, but I would say I am 90% ‘gay’ and the label just makes more sense.

 

Once I honestly accepted I was gay, and didn't allow myself to backtrack into yet another phase of denial, pretty much all my desire for women has evaporated. I admit, it's a scary realization that I probably can't ever "go back" to the comfortable confines of my past hetero identity, but it also thrills me to no end imagining where my journey will lead me.

 

Yes, exactly my experience. I don’t think the real desire for women was ever there or me, it was more accepting that that was never going to change, previously I held onto this idea I would meet some woman who would ‘save’ me from being gay because I would be so attracted to her I would desire her sexually. Giving up that ‘hope’ was scary, but I realized all my problems with be gay were thinking what others might think- I was scared of people knowing I was gay. But I also realized there were some close woman friends I who I wanted to know and since telling them I feeel so much closer to them as friends and so much more natural around them.

 

I'm new to openly talking about these things so if this comes off not making any sense I am sorry.

Once I came out to my wife, I have been doing a lot of studying of myself. I have come to terms with the fact that I'm bisexual. More gay than bi but still bisexual. I have very little attraction to women other than my wife. I know in my heart that if she was any gender I would still be wildly attracted to her and would love her for who she is.

I think I was single and my wife wasn't an option, I'd only date men. I'd only hook up with men.

 

My changes in levels of attraction to women can probably be attributed to the bi-cycle, which had likely been contributing to the confusion I've felt all my life. By the time I'd analysed my feelings of attraction to men, they had shifted back towards women. Probably why I kept convincing myself that I was straight, when in fact it is now an undeniable fact that I am not straight.

But the common ground that I recognise from the above comments is self-acceptance of the right descriptor of who we are. I started my process of introspection expecting to discover that I was gay, but that never felt right and yet, being bi not only feels right, but has left me positively glowing with happiness about it. It feels just right and that I've found the real me.

This one got me thinking (and I had to imagine a younger single me to consider it) and, while I would undoubtedly want to date men to fulfil a side of my sexuality that has never been physically explored (never mind satisfied), I couldn't identify a preference either way, which I suppose reinforces my being bi.

 

I think Cam63 brings up a good point. Humans are social creatures and we are constantly slowly changing as we go through life, as well as many factors of our social environment that are influencing us. That goes for our changes in attraction. Sometimes it feels like I have been over 20 different versions of myself throughout my life. My attraction over the years has changed just as much tbh. It's important to understand who we were but not as important as who we are now.

 

Coming out and the journey to coming out has been a period of self reflection for me too. I'm always wary of labels but see myself as technically bisexual but more accepting of myself as gay. Before I met my wife all my experiences were homosexual and, like you, if single again I would happily only be with other men.

 

Oh my gosh yes exactly this! I always managed to back out from any real commitment or acceptance that I was actually gay. Once that reality set in and I began to take steps forward I felt just the same as you. A little scared at first at the realisation I felt more comfortable that ever knowing I was gay and also concern and excitement that I wouldn't be going back to my old self denial. And yes, the journey is so thrillingly not knowing where it might lead you!

 

I always wondered how I would truly know if I was gay or not? And it suddenly struck me that when my "dam burst" the intensity of emotion exactly as you experienced was my answer! Allowing myself the idea I was gay and the loss of control was ultimately an enormous relief. I understand how scared you felt, I did too, and the desire to share with others, I guess in a way to stop me going back into denial perhaps? For me it was some close gay male friends, they were delighted and very supportive very much "that's great but what are you going to do about it? And how can we help you do it?".

 

That's a fabulous way of putting it. I was allowing myself to be prepared to discover that I was gay but I never had that 'dam burst' experience nor anything like it. In fact, it felt as if I'd been given the wrong map.

Then I researched deeper into bisexuality and, not only did I realise that I'd completely misinterpreted it (thought it was about sexual behaviour and not just attraction), but I experienced the 'dam burst' and it was like I had the auto-complete setting enabled on the big puzzle of life. Everything just fell into place and felt good and right, resolving many mixed emotions over decades.

 

That's so wonderful I'm glad it worked out for you! Sometimes I guess we have the right map but it takes a while to figure out we've been looking at it the wrong way around?

 

It felt scary but also incredibly energizing and happy. Finally looking into the mirror and telling myself that I was gay I felt like I wads sh ending years of baggage and repression. To finally embrace rather than try to suppress my natural desires. It may not happen but now I can at least hope and try for a realily fulfilling relationship

 

You're lucky to have gay friends! I haven't done for a long time and when I did, considered myself 100% heterosexual. If only I'd known back then!

 

This is probably because you've now given yourself permission to stop repressing your feelings about men and actively enjoy your attractions rather than them triggering your former denial.

I've come to realise that much of my confusion over the decades has been the bi-cycle, which propped up my life of denial. But prompted by other posts about a preferred 'type' of guy, I now I find myself proactively looking at men to assess what my type is, as it isn't all men in the same way as I was never attracted to all women. I would never have done that before I accepted that my bisexuality as real and am very comfortable with it.

 

This is so true, since I tend to believe we all have a certain "type" of person (male or female, or both) who we're specifically attracted to. In my years of repression and self-denial, I would often tell myself..."I can't be gay, because I'm not physically attracted to men I see in public." Eventually however, in the workplace, I found myself regularly in the company of a new employee who was an older, openly gay man (with a husband), who I immediately recognized as being MY TYPE! He moved on to another employment opportunity after only a few months on the job, so we didn't get the chance to become anything more than casual work acquaintances (as opposed to being friends); but I do think he picked up on my attraction to him, because the two of us would often lock eyes with each other from across the room--and smile. Because of him I understood that not only could I be physically attracted to a man, but also romantically attracted as well. For me, he checked all the boxes.