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Changes after coming out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tikimon20, Sep 6, 2021.

  1. Tikimon20

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    Thanks to this forum I've came out to myself and a close friend. I'm looking forward to being in a local support group soon.

    One change I noticed is a much stronger sexual desire than before. I'm trying to stay away from online hookups, but I have slipped a couple of times.

    Also, for the first time I find myself thinking how nice it would be to meet someone to share romantic dates. Things like dinners out, holding hands and kisses with my partner.
     
    #1 Tikimon20, Sep 6, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2021
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  2. BiGemini87

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    That's wonderful to hear! Sounds like you've made a lot of progress in being your true self. :slight_smile: I wish you great luck in finding your special someone.

    (Also, I think the increase in sexual desire is normal; I've noticed others here have experienced much the same, myself included. It can be pretty intense for a while, so hopefully it doesn't cause you too much distress in the meantime).
     
  3. Tikimon20

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    Thanks! I had so many fears and excuses before coming out.
     
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  4. out2019

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    Once I accepted myself my fantasies and sexual desire became super intense and whatever small interest I had in women pretty much dimensioned to nothing... I remember when I was here using the 'I look at women" defense someone said my desire for women would fade - I was so terrified but I realized subconsciously at least he was right. Then when it happened I was surprised how good it felt to let go of trying to force myself to like women.


    Yes! Accepting that I was gay 'allowed' me to start fantasizing beyond sex, and seriously consider dating for example. Once I started to think about dating I was really surprised how easily I could imagine it and how much I wanted it - with women thinking about dating was always a chore.

    I have only come out to a couple of people but with those people I feel so alive!
     
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  5. Tikimon20

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    I'm going to add this to the list. I can easily imagine dating men, now. I'm gaining a different kind of confidence when dating and imagining dating men. I had always felt genuine intense pleasure when intimate with a man and I don't feel like I have to hide those feelings from myself anymore.
     
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  6. Contented

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    At first I assumed my same sex interest revolved solely regarding sex. Which was fantastic by the way. It so much more intense, erotic, sensual and pleasurable by a factor of 100x. What changed however within a short period of time was the intense desire to have an emotional and romantic relationship with another man. I was blown away by incredible need in me to go beyond the sexual and into relationship. In short order women became less than an afterthought and I saw other men as the object of my deepest sexual and emotional desire. The feeling was like nothing I had experienced prior with a woman.
     
    #6 Contented, Sep 9, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2021
  7. Contented

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    Couldn’t agree more that once I acknowledged my same sex attraction my sexual desire went off the charts. It was so incredibly intense and pleasurable. The other major change was I had always been intimate with women at night, in the dark and never comfortable being naked afterwards. I always covered up and did the same with the woman. I just felt uncomfortable and never really knew why. After coming out that ceased to be an issue. I was quite comfortable with my BF and I being nude. We had a private deck off our condo and many times we sunbathed in the nude. Once we even went to a clothing optional gay beach. While it was interesting and very sexy I felt somewhat uncomfortable due to number of hard bodied young gay men with six pack abs around. I felt like I should be wearing a burka around these sexy guys. At any rate the changes were seismic for me including making love anytime not just at night with the lights out. I realized what I was uncomfortable with was the woman being naked and not me.
     
    #7 Contented, Sep 11, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2021
  8. Tikimon20

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    I'm feeling great, but I'm probably lucky that support groups aren't meeting in person, yet! I love the thought of being a couple, but I'm so physically needy right now.
     
  9. Tikimon20

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    As a younger guy I felt pressure to try something sexual after most dates with girls. I refused to admit to myself then, but with guys I liked getting my clothes as soon soon as we could find a hidden spot. I think I might know someone who would like to share a gay friendly condo for a weekend. This seems like a nice step and seems so natural to me now.
     
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  10. eron

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    My experience was very much the same. Once I came out to myself, my same sex attraction became much more intense, erotic, and pleasurable. Also, I found those awkward moments after climax to be much less awkward.
     
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  11. Contented

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    Another change I noticed was I became more comfortable as a gay man, I became more confident in who I really was, what I really wanted out of life beyond just my sexuality. For the first time I started to think of me first. I realized there was no sin in taking care of my body and mind. Old ideas of what It meant to be a man faded away making it easier to be exactly who I was inside.
     
  12. Markieg64

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    Hi there congratulations on finding that courage to come out i know that was hard to do but the coming out prosses has started and yes it really does feel good and your sexaul desires will slow down after a while so enjoy them .
    good luck
     
  13. out2019

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    Looking back i realize I did this too! I always preferred women clothed and really didn't like seeing them naked. I rationalized it was part of a spandex fetish I had/have (and I also rationalized my gay fantasies were really just part of that fetish). However since I have accepted myself my fantasies have become mostly about naked guys.

    I think the fetish was a way of indulging in my desires before acceptance.
     
  14. out2019

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    A major change with self acceptance was a stronger desire to be bottomed in anal intercourse. Before I was repressing/denying my desire as shameful now I see it as an expression of love and it is 100x more intense then any desire I ever had to have sex with a woman.
     
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  15. Contented

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    I couldn’t agree more with this statement. At the beginning of coming to terms with my same sex attraction I said I would never ever engage in anal. It was evil, abnormal, etc., that lasted halfway through our first make out session. lol. Had never ever felt as connected , sensual and erotic with a woman as much as I did with a man. No comparison turned me into a bottom very quickly.
     
    #15 Contented, Sep 30, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2021
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  16. eron

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    I found that my range of same-sex activities became much wider after coming out to myself. And, as I said an earlier post, the intensity, erotic sensation, and orgasms far exceeded anything I had with a woman.
     
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  17. BirdWatcher87

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    Hi Everyone!

    I’m posting a little late on this thread, but found everyone’s posts really interesting!

    I came out to myself as bisexual a few years ago and have really accepted it more fully this year especially. It’s been great!

    Ever since I came out to myself, I do feel my sexual desires/fantasies about guys has increased. I do wonder sometimes what it would be like to be with another guy, even as friends and maybe more if things were a good match. For now, I’m only out to myself and it might take a little while to tell others, but my heart and I feel happy!
     
  18. Gayhusband

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    Awkwardness after sex with a stranger or someone I’m “familiar” with is still an issue for me. I actually feel disappointed, then disgusted. Sometimes even before release, which really can put doubt in my head about how living my life out as a gay man can be a positive for me going forward. I’m still in the closet . I’m now feeling intense desire to be with a man sexually and romantically. My wife is starting to understand this change in me and now supports me coming out. She knows that hiding my sexuality and suppressing my natural desires are making me depressed. Since we are still married it’s easier for me to write off my needs as being selfish. Especially when at climax I’m thinking about how wrong it all seems. I’m hoping the next chance I get to be with another man I will be more free of some of the guilt and repulsion I’ve developed about my sexual orientation. Any advisement from this community would be welcome
     
  19. Contented

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    It would seem you are still dealing with a significant amount of internalized homophobia. It is rammed into our brains from birth the heteronormative paradigm so is it no wonder we struggle with our same sex attraction when we start to explore it. I think your intense desire to be both romantically and sexually is a clear indication of you moving in the right direction. Still being married might also add to your feelings that somehow you are betraying your marriage vows and adding to your discomfort. From experience these feelings pass with time and experience. You may find it necessary to free yourself from your heterosexual situation in order to full embrace and be comfortable as a gay man. It is a transition for sure however once you uncover your same sex attraction the need to embrace it gets stronger and stronger until ignoring it is not an option. Perhaps a qualified LGBTQ counselor could help put things in perspective. Just a thought.
     
  20. SunnyNarwal

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    Interesting thread to read through. I was just thinking about how my libido has finally evened out. After realizing I was gay and coming out, I had a crazy-high spike in libido, to the point where it was almost distressing, especially because I had identified as asexual just before hand! I literally had no idea up to that point what it was like to experience sexuality as an everyday thing. it was a whole new world of sensations for me, it felt like a shaken soda bottle finally being opened. I was curious if this was just a weird me thing. It's interesting to see that it seems to be a common occurrence for people right after they come out. I had no idea. It would have been nice to have had a warning, haha.