Over the past year the changes in my life have been seismic to say the least. From straight to gay, from girlfriend to boyfriend, from closed closet to open street all within 12 months epic to be sure. While I am very comfortable where I am in the process I wanted to find out if others who have already gone through this life altering change have had similar experiences. I was raised in a hetero normative family and group that had traditional masculine roles and actions well defined. It left no room whatsoever for doubt what was masculine(male). What I am finding out is that I no longer fit any of those former roles or actions. As I came to accept my homosexuality I also realized that I was not comfortable in those hetero masculine roles. More and more I am feeling more in touch for lack of a better term ' my feminine side'. Not talking about drag here but rather it is more of a general change in how I look at myself and world. My BF and I have no traditional roles in our relationship whether emotional or sexual. I feel able finally to express emotions I always held in because guys didn't do that. For years I felt that only "homos" concerned themselves with aspects of their appearance all the while wishing I could do the same. Now I do engage in those things I would never have in the past. I was always worried what would people think if I got a tattoo, nipple pierced, shaved my body hair, took care in making myself look good. Well, now I do those things for me because for the first time in my life I am doing what I what, what pleases me, and frankly all those things straight guys might call gay affectations makes me feel sexier, happier and emotionally level for the first time in a lifetime. Does this ring true for others?
Yes, this rings totally true for me. The longer I've been out, the more gay I seem to be. Is some of this reactionary behavior? I'm not sure yet, so I will have to see as I continue to evolve. I can definitely see changes in my behavior that I know are a direct result of me dropping my self-censoring. Whether it's personal grooming habits, or things I might say, or how I talk, what I wear, I can see a more "feminine" me.
ConfusedEast....I am so happy for you! My comment is probably different than you expected.... There are unfortunately many of us who for one reason or another find that coming out so completley, as you have, is not possible. For some it is fear that they have not yet conquered. For others...all too many others who are older and were pressured by expectations to lead a "normal", straight life. Now we face a very difficult uphill battle. Many of us are in a straight marriage, have children and like me...grandchildren. Having been married for 39 years, I am not willing to break up my family by dropping the nuclear bomb of Dad's (grandpa) is gay...WTF? While I long to be me, I am not selfish enough to ignore the effect on so many others that I love in order to have a boyfriend (oh how I wish...) and lead the life of a gay man. SO....I have a request for you. When you are out with your boyfriend, out with your gay friends, when you feel so good doing all those things that make you happy....just for a moment...remember us. Not so that it becomes a downer....but do it for us. Be the person that we can not be, enjoy the things that we can not...do it for us and remember us and smile when you are having a great time. I am so happy and proud of you and what you can do...just take a moment and do it for us.....David
Quebec, please understand that anything I write I don't intend to be smug or gloating over my situation. I fully understand and feel for all those on EC that continue to struggle and face difficult if not impossible decisions over their sexuality. I wish everyone could experience the sense of relief I have been able to in accepting and acting on my homosexuality. I also understand that I am very lucky. I read with interest,respect and compassion some of heart wrenching posts of men and women trying to find a path towards their true sexuality. Everyone deserves to be happy unfortunately the fact is not everyone achieves it. Rest assured I am constantly grateful for my situation and hope that those here on EC will find a way to happiness. I hope in some small way my story at least show some people that there is hope and sometimes it does work out.
ConfusedEast...Believe me, no offense is taken. I am happy for you and for everyone who has been able to be so completely themselves! Please don't feel bad...enjoy yourself....be you. Just think of us sometimes and have the fun for us that we can not have....David