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Caught by parents. Please give me some advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by baddiemaddie, Feb 22, 2017.

  1. baddiemaddie

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    Hello there, i'm Maddie. i'm 18 and i live with my parents. I'm writing this today as kind of a last resort. I'm in a crazy situation and i can't really trust myself or my opinion. I need some insight. I hope this isn't too personal.

    So my parents are as conservative as it gets. They are really homophobic and racist as that is what they grew up believing as christians. As it turns out, i'm a lesbian and i've been dating a black girl in secret for a year now. Of course i've kept it hidden from them and i had planned to forever. I love this girl with all of my heart, it really is so hard and exhausting to keep her a secret. But i know my parents will absolutely not change their views. It doesn't matter that i'm their daughter, this is just the way things are. (So please no advice on just telling them it's who i am.)

    Well of course i started to become careless as time went on. This morning i was in my room with my girlfriend. My parents were supposed to be at work at that time. My dad ended up coming home early for lunch and heard the noise in my room. He barged in while my girlfriend was sitting on my face. This was terrifying, i had no idea he had come home. I can't remember all of the horrible things he said to me as i was in a full state of panic. But he was furious to say the least. After he kicked her out, he said some shit to me and left to go tell my mother i assume. That's when i fucked up and relapsed pretty badly after 7 months clean.

    Here i am now, getting ready for work and panicking. It's like i'm in a forever panic attack. I can't go home tonight, i can't face that confrontation. I'm so scared. Please i need some advice or something to ease my mind. I can't even breathe. I really can't do this
     
  2. Tijopi

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    This is going to be an unpopular opinion but honestly, I've figured anyone in that situation should deny everything until they're at least in a position where they can financially and emotionally support themselves. Say that it was a joke or a dare or something and, even though they won't agree with it, you might be able to talk your way out of admitting your sexuality. In the future it may help to eventually tell them, but be prepared for the worst.
     
  3. baddiemaddie

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    You know i've been thinking that maybe that's the best option. I just need to tell them what they want to hear. I could say it was a dumb mistake and i realize i don't like girls. Maybe offer some type of solution like therapy to get my mind back on track or something. I just started my new job, i am in no way financially able to live on my own at the point. Maybe i have to play along to their game and pretend i like guys instead of girls.
     
  4. Kye

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    Maddie, I'm so, so sorry that this is the situation that you're in now *massive hugs* xxx
    Try and take some deep breaths and calm down a little, as difficult as it is- you really need to be in control of yourself and your emotions right now.
    Firstly, I think you need to work out if there's somewhere you can stay for a little while- either at a friend's house or at your girlfriend's house. It's possible that your parents won't do something drastic like actually kick you out, but it's best to make sure you've got somewhere to go if that turns out to be how everything works out.
    Your parents have currently been hit in the face with three major things: homosexuality, sexual acts, and a black girl, all of which are massive things for them to change their views on, especially since they have a strong religious faith. Depending on how willing they are to change their world views, they may be able to change their attitude towards all three things in time, but for now I think your main priority is to make sure you have somewhere safe to go if they react in a highly negative way.
    As parents, they should want the best for you, and so to find out that you are sexually active with a black girl will be scary for them, since they currently perceive all three factors to be wrong and 'evil' in a religious sense. As their daughter, their anger most likely will stem in part from love of you as well as hatred of what they perceive to be wrong, but at the end of the day, you are your own person and you know what is best for you, who you are, and what and makes you happy.
    If you don't fancy confronting them tonight, perhaps it would be better to stay somewhere else and then initiate the conversation over text- that means you will have some breathing space between messages so you can construct everything you say in a clear, calm way, without getting emotionally bullied by shouting or threatening behaviour.
    Stay strong hun, and keep us updated as to what's going on, so we can help as much as we can xxx

    ---------- Post added 22nd Feb 2017 at 10:44 PM ----------

    This is also another good option I guess- didn't see the new messages being posted x
     
  5. baddiemaddie

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    My parents have always been pretty controlling. My mother is manipulative and my dad just likes to have his power of authority. I'm honestly feeling as sick as he says i am. I really fucked up here. Not going home doesn't seem to be an option, my dad will send cops out to look for me like he has done before. And it will only make my case worse.
     
  6. Kye

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    Jeez.......ok, well, perhaps in this case it would be better to go home- and maybe just try not to confront them for as long as possible?
    Try and get together all your important papers and stuff, and pack a bag or something in case you ever need to leave in a hurry if they get too dangerously controlling.
    Maybe you could find an LGBT+ support group/phoneline for your area, and ask them for advice if you can?
    If you need to lie about the whole situation (and it seems like that might be a safe route), maybe there's a way of getting on their good side by you openly acting in a confessing manner, and saying that you were confused but now you're on a path to be closer to god or something, and you're gonna get christian therapy? (you mightn't have to go, just say that you are).

    ---------- Post added 22nd Feb 2017 at 11:04 PM ----------

    Above everything, do not forget that it's ok to be who you are and love who you love, no matter what they say.
    If they force you to break up with your girlfriend, you do not have to do so- you have every right to love her, as freely as they had the right to love each other when they got together.
     
  7. Margaret

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    I'm really sorry that happened that has to be terrifying. Obviously you know your parents views are wrong, I think the issues you have to think about here is are you safe at home anymore or do you need to find a new place to live? Can you live with a friend or gf for a bit until you can find a permanent solution?
    p.s. I just read the part about your dad sending cops to look for you, that's crazy... Remember you are legally an adult and can live where you want. Obviously you should inform them you are leaving (if you are) so they don't think you've died, but you are not obligated to tell them where you are going. Tell them you are safe and leave it at that.
     
    #7 Margaret, Feb 22, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 22, 2017
  8. baddiemaddie

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    The thing is i just turned 18. I still have 3 more months of school left. I have about $20 in my bank account, i can't live somewhere else, it's going to take me way too long to get to that step. I'm really scared. What if my parents took this as an opportunity to continue controlling me. I don't want to be their puppet. I don't want to pretend that girls disgust me. I think my mind may be heading towards accepting defeat. It does sound much easier
     
  9. Chip

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    Hi,

    I can't imagine the feelings you must be going through right now. The important thing is to realize that you can, and will, get through this.

    Given what your father saw, I'm not sure that denial will be a plausible alternative, and given the description of controlling and overbearing behavior, it may be necessary to get out of there as soon as possible.

    Here are some resources local to you that can help you immediately:

    First, here is a resource for emergency housing/shelter services for homeless youth in Houston

    The NEST center in Houston is a coalition of agencies addressing homelessness and at-risk situations for LGBT teens and young adults. They will be able to help also.

    The Montrose Center operates a 24 hour crisis line in Houston aimed at helping LGBT people. Their number is 713-529-3211.

    Please keep communicating about your situation.
     
  10. bingbong3000

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    I'm really really sorry for what has happened. I want you to know that I will be thinking about you and I really really hope that this can end well for you. Just remember as bleak as things look, they tend to get better :slight_smile: Have you thought about staying with a friend for a few days/weeks until the situation dies down? You'll be near to your school and it should give you time to collect your thoughts. Just my two cents :slight_smile: