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Can't tell wether I'm gay or bi

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Unorthodog, Apr 11, 2021.

?

Am I gay, or bi?

  1. You're gay

    80.0%
  2. You're bi

    20.0%
  1. Unorthodog

    Unorthodog Guest

    I've been out as a gay man for about 8 years but lately have been trying to make sure I'm not bi. I can't tell if this is because I live in a conservative area and not fitting in with my area's ideologies, wether I'm just feeling pressure to do so or wether there might be anything to it - researching it on the internet hasn't gotten me closer to an answer, and I've had a difficult time figuring it out for myself.

    I know for sure I am sexually and romantically attracted to men. I see myself eventually marrying or at least being in a serious relationship with a man. I've been in a few relationships with men and have been in love with a man.
    I also know that I'm not romantically attracted to women - I wouldn't be in a serious relationship with or marry one. Sometimes in my head I find certain imagined women attractive, sometimes to the point of arousal.

    However, this arousal isn't something that spills over into real life, and I don't feel motivated/interested in acting on it in reality.
    I understand that sexual attraction to more than one gender means bisexuality, but my confusions comes when focusing on the difference between arousal in my head based on imagined women - and sexual attractions that someone wants to act on in real life, which I don't experience.

    I want to have relationships with and maybe eventually marry a man, if I were to get married.
    I don't want to have relationships with nor possibly marry a women.
    I don't feel motivated to have sex with women, because I want to have sex with people who I intend to date/ have something further with; which is not what I want with women.

    Again, I only mentally am few times aroused by the idea of imagined women in my mind, but don't want to or feel comfortable on acting on it in real life. (Which I DO want to and feel comfortable with doing with men.)

    I feel most comfortable with identifying as gay, and it feels right for me. Identifying as bi doesn't feel as right as gay does, but I don't know wether that justifies anything.
    But I'm worried if I'm somehow lying or being dishonest. It's been somewhat confusing and I'd appreciate some outside opinions on this. Thanks all! :slight_smile:
     
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  2. QuietPeace

    Full Member

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    No one can decide for you who you actually are or what your orientation is. However, you say that you are definitely attracted to men. You also say that you have never been attracted to an actual woman. That does not sound bisexual to me. A man who is only attracted to other men is pretty much the definition of homosexual.
     
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  3. Unorthodog

    Unorthodog Guest

    Don't worry about bluntness, your opinion is your opinion and I asked for it! Thank you!
     
  4. Unorthodog

    Unorthodog Guest

    Oops sorry I thought the part about bluntness was part of the response.
    Either way thanks
     
  5. QuietPeace

    Full Member

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    You are welcome. It is in my signature because I have had some trouble with people misunderstanding me. I had it in my profile but not many people go and read that so I put it where it gets seen every time I post.
     
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  6. Suitsme

    Suitsme Guest

    Hi I read your post in the intro bit and just read again here.

    Your sexuality is for you to decide but from what I’ve read I’d say you are gay. Remember though that sexuality can be fluid for some people and some woman could come along and change your whole thought pattern if you’re fluid. But for now I’d go with gay. :slight_smile: :slight_smile:
     
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  7. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    I hear nothing in what you describe that would indicate attraction to women, other than at a friendship ievel. (there's no credible data to support the idea of discordant romantic and sexual orientation. That myth has been perpetrated by the evidence-free crowd and simply causes more confusion than anything else.) "Romantic attraction" is synonymous with "emotionally intimate friendship." Think Will and Grace, Kurt and his gaggle of girls on Glee.

    So from what you describe, my guess would be gay, not bi. Keep in mind, sometimes it's hard to acknowledge and accept that, because it's closing a door to the "ordinary" life with the wife, picket fence, minivan, and 2.3 children. Well... actually, the gay life is "ordinary" except the wife is a guy. :slight_smile: (I've always liked the fake children's book "Daddy's New Wife Robert".)

    Of course, at the end of the day, only you can know the truth for yourself. It may be that you're simply dealing with and mourning the loss of the straight identity. If so... just take your time. No rush to acknowledge and accept yourself.
     
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  8. Contented

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    One of the things I most like is that being gay has become “ordinary” for me as Chip indicates. At first all the conflicting emotions and societal pressures made me feel like I was some kind of abnormal deviant person. As I matured in my homosexuality and became comfortable in who I am and what I want in life gay slowly became normal and ordinary. It feels wonderful after my incredible journey to my true sexuality that being gay just seems normal and everyday.
     
    #8 Contented, Apr 18, 2021
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2021
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