Can't Sleep. Eating me Up Inside.

Yeah I'm still trying to decide. I've drafted the letter like six times and the text message about four times. I think I might do the text. I just think it will be easier to hit send and walk away. My plan is to send it when I'm home alone when my mom and sister are out of the house and my dad is at work.

 

My mother is supportive of gay people as is my father. My mom actually has two gay brothers and my dad has two gay uncles. So I won't be the first person in our family who is not straight. Though irionically I may be the first non hetero woman. (I seriously don't know one girl in my family who isn't straight?)

 

So here is my draft of the text I am going to send my mom on Thursday. I am really nervous so please be gentle. Here it is.
Dear Mom,
You asked me some questions not that long ago, and you wanted to know the answers. I wasn’t able to give you any at the time, because I didn’t know what to say, but now I do. Do you remember how confused you were that I wasn’t into any of the guys who seemed interested in me? Well, I stand by what I said before, which was that they were not and are not compatible with me, but that wasn’t the whole story. Do you remember when you asked me if I rejected them because they were guys when I wouldn’t elaborate on why I was avoiding them? Well, I wasn’t able to tell you the whole truth, but now I am. The truth is I have feelings for women. I couldn’t tell you this at the time because I was still trying to formulate how to say this. But it’s true. I never lied about liking the guys I actually expressed liking. I actually did like them, but I never told you about how I felt about women. I have always liked men with more feminine qualities and for a long time I did not know why. Now I do. I wanted to tell you this because you deserve to know the truth. I know we have sometimes clashed and you felt I was hiding something from you or that I was pushing you away, which is never how I wanted to make you feel. I love you and always will. Which is why before I went away to school I wanted you to know the absolute truth. I debated over and over again whether to write this, but I just didn’t think I could find the words in person. I hope you’re not disappointed. I didn’t want this to be a big deal which is why I wanted to write this out in text. I honestly have no idea how you’ll react. I was hoping based on some things you have said that you would maybe already know on some level and this won’t come as a complete shock.

Is this okay?

 

Thank you! I hope it is good enough. I am so scared, picturing myself sitting on my couch at home in my living room in two days, or less than 48 hours now, and pushing send. I feel like my life will change but it will be for the better, I am sure of that.

 

Thank you. I appreciate the feedback. I will maybe alter it a bit. Though if I'm being honest, despite liking men still, I don't see myself dating very many in the future.

 

Thank you for the kind words! I'm sorry your mom wasn't the most accepting. I'm sure she will come around.

 

I hit send. I honesty can't believe I did it. But I did. My heart is really pounding right now.

 

Thankfully my mom is a quick texter. I am not sure my heart could have taken waiting for long. As everyone on here predicted, she knew. Go figure. Seriously, the first thing she said was, "she knew". So for all the people out there who think their parents know but they haven't said anything? They probably know. Thankfully, in my case, my mom wasn't upset at all. She is confused. But she was confused before, so in a way she hasn't lost anything but she hasn't gained anything either. She does say she doesn't care though. Which I knew would be her response. So all in all, I am happy.

 

I actually didn't send her the message I posted on here. Perfectionist that I am, I ended up writing out an entirely new response. But I think it ended up being better and clearer. And I took the suggestions people posted here to heart.