Can't quite believe I'm a lesbian even though I clearly am

I am almost 24 years old now and I have zero experience with either gender, I can't remember ever genuinely liking any guys. When I was around 11/12 other girls started to talk about guys and I did not what all the fuss was about. I assumed these girls were lying/exaggerating and thought this was stupid so I didn't try to join in or make myself believe I had crushes on boys when I didn't.

I started to get suspicious that I was different from everybody else when I was about 15 and I had never found any celebrities or real life boys attractive (though the possibility that I could be gay still did not occur to me). I looked at pictures of guys that other people considered good-looking and still could not work out what it was about them that other girls found attractive. I could see that they were not hideous, but at the same time they never stood out to me and I didn't notice them unless I was trying to.

Later, a friend told me how she always got nervous around guys she liked, that her heart beat faster, blushing when talking to them, thinking about them a lot etc. I realised that this was how I felt about some girls I liked (I thought I liked them as friends at the time). This was the first time I thought I might be gay. This thought scared me, I didn't want to be gay and have something else about me that made me different from everyone else. I told myself I wasn't gay and (sort of) made myself believe it. I didn't have very many male friends at the time and talked myself into believing that I just happened not to like any of them.

I read online about something called "HOCD" and whenever I felt like I liked a girl or thought about cuddling or kissing girls I told myself it was just my mind playing tricks on me, even though I knew deep down this couldn't be true because I had never liked guys before. I managed to push the thought that I could be gay to the back of my mind regardless.

After age 19 I had a lot more male friends that I met through university. I felt no initial attraction to any of them, but some of them I knew liked me and I spent time hanging out with some of them (as friends) to see if any feelings for them developed. For some I felt like it wouldn't be horrible going out with them and maybe if I was actually in a relationship with them I would feel more for them, but in the end I didn't date any of them because I felt bad about going out with someone I knew I didn't really like that way. I still believed (or tried to believe) that I would meet a guy I actually did like some day.

At the same time, whenever I was with some of these guys I couldn't help feeling like I would much rather be hanging out with my best female friend (Katie) at the time. I eventually admitted to myself that I had feelings for Katie, but I still didn't think of myself as gay, rationalizing this as a "one off" and telling myself that I didn't really like the other girls I'd had crushes on in the past. I tried to forget about how I felt about her, I still didn't want to think about being gay and besides she was straight so there was nothing I could do about this anyway. We stayed friends for several years, but eventually drifted apart.

I haven't seriously thought about any of this for years. But I recently realised I have a massive crush on another girl and all of this began going through my mind again. She is openly gay, she knows I like her ( I have not said anything, it is just obvious) and I think she likes me too. I know the ball is in my court because from her POV I know she is gay, but she cannot be 100% sure about me because I'm not "out". I feel like she has been giving me opportunities to tell her and I can't quite bring myself to do it.

I still have a nagging doubt that I might not be gay, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I know it is really stupid and its frustrating me that I can't get over it. I have no reason to be afraid of coming out; I've never been homophobic (except towards myself), all my close friends are openly supportive of gays and many are gay themselves, so I know they would accept me no matter what. I'm worried that I've wasted so much time on this that I will (or may already have) miss(ed) my chance with this girl I like and I don't know how to make this annoying feeling of doubt go away.

I'm not even sure what I want EC to do for me, its clear to me (as I am sure it is to all of you) that I am in fact gay, so why can't I believe this 100%? I think I just need somebody to shake me and tell me to stop being a moron over it or something.

 

Hey guys, thanks for the replies, I feel a lot better knowing other people had similar experiences to me! I really do want to tell people about this, but this little bit of doubt is holding me back. Its especially annoying because it doesn't even make sense for me to have any doubt as I have absolutely no reason to believe I'm straight anyway.

The sad thing is I will really just be telling people what they already know, yet I still can't bring myself to do it. I have always been a bit of a tomboy (not that this makes someone a lesbian of course), I have never once mentioned liking any guys to my friends (some of whom I have known for ten years) and I am pretty sure I've never been caught checking out any guys, I rarely contribute to conversations about male celebrities that everyone else seems to like. Whenever I meet new gay people a lot of the time they assume I am gay as well without me saying anything implying that I am. I once overheard a lesbian ask my friend if I was gay and the friend replied "Oh she just doesn't know yet". I have also been approached by other girls in bars occasionally who were assuming I was gay too. It seems like everyone (even complete strangers) are more aware of my sexuality than I am and this makes me feel like I'm being even more stupid.

And (I forgot to mention this in the original post) the only people I feel compelled to google for no apparent reason are always (attractive) women. That's kinda gay, right?

I will keep you updated on what happens. But I have a horrible feeling that I have already missed my chance with the girl I mentioned, but I don't know. I wish I had have worked all this out sooner and actually had the guts to tell someone about it.