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Can't get over feeling like I deserve nothing

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Melancholy, Oct 27, 2018.

  1. Melancholy

    Melancholy Guest

    I have been depressed to some degree for as long as I can remember, worsening in my teens. I've always been a social outcast, been weird, hated myself so much I had no idea when I was being teased/bullied because that's all I thought I deserved. I've been pretty much emotionally stunted and at this point, my experiences just feel like they define me now. I missed out on so many milestones, both the significant and seemingly minor, and can't relate to experiences other people seem to easily and instantly bond over. Everything that has happened (which I don't want to give details about because my paranoia is telling me someone I know might find me on here and recognise me,) has imprinted itself onto me and the idea of relationships, love, sex etc. all look like something that's reserved for people who aren't massive loner losers. I can't even think of 'love' and 'sex' and 'affection' as being related - the idea that it's an expression of intimacy is hard to wrap my head around, and even when I do, I instantly reject it because I already know I don't deserve it (even though I badly crave it.) This is also due to the fact that I'm embarrassingly inexperienced for my age - feeling like I obviously don't deserve it if I've been alone for this long. Everyone else had sex in high school and got to make mistakes etc. and now I'm at university where this stuff is a casual topic for everyone except me. I don't know. I just want to die all the time - I drink by myself and try and do my work and that's it.
     
  2. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Depression does that to a person. It makes you hit rock bottom, and throws you a shovel to dig even deeper down. Have you been to therapy yet? Are you on medication? If not, maybe it's time you reached out to someone who can help you, i.e. a mental health professional.

    I know what depression is like, and on top of that, I also get mania (I'm bipolar). It's not easy having to deal with negative thoughts constantly. You've been down and out for so long that you now view it as normal, and that's where you will benefit greatly from therapy. Don't wait and don't try to win this on your own. You've been struggling with depression for so many years, and it's letting your missed opportunities haunt you, making you feel like you don't deserve anything that other people have or what they've experienced at your age.

    It's also important to remember that no two people's life journey is the same. Sure, most of your peers have had sex, are in long-term relationships, etc. but don't compare yourself and your own experiences (or lack thereof) to their journeys. You might be a late bloomer, but I can almost guarantee you that your depression has influenced the majority of your life experiences, to the point where you may have unintentionally pushed people away or isolated yourself because the depression makes you feel like you're not worthy of happiness.

    Please try and get help if you haven't already. And if you're already on medications, maybe it's time to reevaluate the dosage or type of medication so that you will feel better about yourself, and just feel better in general. BIG HUGS to you. You will get through this, but you won't get through it without help. I wish you healing :slight_smile:
     
  3. Melancholy

    Melancholy Guest

    I have had a year of therapy, and it made me more aware of a lot of things, including the root of the problem. And in my case, I was told that it can be overcome without medication and that it would be preferable if I did it that way. I sort of agree - and the idea of taking medication makes me feel like it would be yet another piece of evidence that I'm broken.
     
  4. Mlpguy88

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    It's going to sound cliche, but it is never too late to start making your memories of milestones. I know it is so hard to see it when you are in the phase of unhappiness but it all comes around and the bad times do end.

    This is just one person's opinion but I think you should try something that is out of your comfort zone. Do something that you have always wanted to try and see how it makes you feel. The fun of new experiences is addicting.

    Also I will echo what was said before. You should try to seek help from a professional. There is no shame in talking to someone about how you are feeling.
     
  5. Rade

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    Were never too old to enjoy intamacy and sex. You just need the right partner to guide you, teech, and to let you express your needs and fantasys. This person will give you confidence so you can come out of yourself.
    How about LGBT groups....
    How about counselling....
    Taking tiny steps could change your life forever.
    Oh and add a form of exercise could help to empower you. It did me....
    I'm shy and have to force myself but I do it due to my stubborness.
    Wishing you luck
    Rade....
     
    #5 Rade, Oct 31, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2018