Hi! I apologize for any mistakes in advance because I'm not a native speaker. And many thanks to anyone who gives me some feedback! I've considered myself bisexual (demi) since I was 14 and fell in love with another girl (we were best friends at school). It was quite a shock then: I didn't even know same-sex attraction is possible. Unfortunately, my culture and upbringing made me think it was something wrong and horrible (most people in my country still think so. My parents think so). I also was sexually abused as a child. So, now I'm wondering whether I'm really bisexual or not because I could be gay but imagining I can be sexually involved with men due to cultural issues - gay people can be punished by law in my country, and often no one even cares if a gay person has been beaten up to death. So, I can't bring myself to tell anyone I'm attracted to women 'cause I fear for my physical safety. Every relationship with a man I tried to have ended very quickly: maybe, I just never met a patient man (because every person I dated wanted sex asap, and I'm demisexual, so I can't just get in bed with a person I barely know. When I said I need to figure out my feelings I got scorned at because of my "touchiness" - well, they used other words I don't really want to deal with right now). Though I find a lot of men aesthetically pleasing, I've never been sexually aroused by any of them. Everything I tried - even kissing - repulsed me. But I also felt threatened, terrified, as if a male partner was trying to push me into doing something I don't want, and I wonder if that is a real thing. Maybe, I feel like that because of sexual abuse I went through? I always felt more safe and relaxed around women, and I had positive sexual experience with one. So this whole emotional conflict is really confusing. I can be gay but imagining things because of social pressure. Or I can turn out bisexual - all this repulsion, anxiety, and fear I feel while trying to do something even remotely sexual with men can be just PTSD or something like that... Not sure. *I know I should possibly see a therapist, but, unfortunately, it's not an option where I live.
hi ! your english is amazing, first off, so you don't need to apologize. i actually relate to you quite a bit, except towards how your culture perceives sexuality. please dont force yourself to be with men. it could be ptsd, or you could just be into girls, but its not something you should force yourself to figure out if youre not in a safe place, or completely comfortable. if you feel safer with women, try to find comfort in them. if a man comes along and changes your feelings towards men and sexual things, then find comfort in him. most importantly, be safe! make sure you are in a safe place with people more open-minded if you can. i can't even imagine how hard and scary it must be for you and those who aren't straight where you are. i hoped this helped you even a bit. honestly, i'm not too sure what to say since i have a similar problem, but i hope you can worry less about this and find the answers you want to soon.
Hey welcome to EC. It's a tough situation because there is the added complexity of the abuse. If you imagine in your head a really patient and kind man how would that make you feel being with him?
Thank you very much for the kind reply! I still can't believe I've poured my heart out - it is a huge relief: when I posted all these issues yesterday it felt so good that I actually cried. I think I underestimated how much these bottled up feelings had been affecting me. So, your kind words really mean a lot. I think the main part of my problem with heterosexual relationships is the irrational feelings of guilt and self-doubt. When a not-so-nice guy asks me out I often suspect it's a bad idea since the very beginning, but I end up going to another disastrous date anyway because "first impressions are often wrong" and "I haven't even given this person a chance". Sometimes I even doubt my gut feeling because I think I'm imagining things 'cause I was molested. It's so stupid! I need to stop doing this - you're probably right and I need to try meeting women since I feel safer around them. But I'll have to leave the place where I live now to do this - probably, move to another country (and I don't know how). But, maybe, it's hardly relevant to the topic... I hope I won't be banned from this forum for too much complaining. Anyway, thanks again for the feedback. And I hope you're in a safer place than me!
Hi, and thank you for the feedback! I tried to imagine such a thing a few times, but it feels like something from a very good romantic movie. Too good to be true. I'm not saying I consider all men around me monsters - of course, there are nice guys too! I just can't imagine that someone would want to deal with me and my issues - wait until I'm 100% sure I want to have sex and respect my boundaries. From all of my dates I got an impression that sex is too important... and it's much easier to get it from someone else than bear with me in the end. If I meet a man you've dscribed I'd like to try being with him. But I don't know if I can actually overcome my anxiety and fear about sex. And I'm afraid I'll just hurt this perfect person.
If you imagine a long term relationship with someone, taking the sex out of the equation for a moment, imagine it being a guy and then a girl, do you have a preference?
Welcome to EC! After reading your post, I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do. I haven't been abused sexually, but I've been abused physically so I have an idea about how that feels and how it can mess up with your confidence and make you doubt yourself all the time. Abusers in particular use several manipulative methods to make their targets easier to victimize and less likely to stand up for themselves. One of them is gaslighting, it can be particularly vicious. My opinion is that if you're living close to the people who have been abusive towards you, you should take them out of your life. That will help you think clearly on every issue, including your sexuality. Anyway, I'm happy to see that you found the courage to post here. Whether you're bisexual, pansexual or lesbian this is a supportive community. Feel free to write on my board if you want to talk.
Yeah and maybe it is that simple. I think it's really easy to overthink things sometimes, I know I'm definitely guilty of that.
Thank you! Support means very much to me right now. In fact, yeah, it was hard to gather some courage and start posting here. I'm quite used to people saying that I'm just being oversensitive when I try to share any negative feelings or problems with anyone - I'd even say talking about your problems is strongly discouraged by people where I live (I don't think it's the place, though. Most likely, just my bad luck )
That's sad that people discourage it, I think sometimes people get scared that they don't know what to say but just listening to someone often helps even if there isn't much you can do. At least you have now found EC.
