I don’t even know how to go about writing this, so it may be a little rambling. I apologize in advance. And I’m not sure I chose the right forum; I felt like there were 3 I could have fit in to. My name is Sara, I’m divorced, and I’m bisexual. Although I had known I was attracted to women since teen years (at least, possibly earlier), since I was also attracted to men I figured the latter was just a temptation and ignored it, got married to a man I truly did- do- love and spent 18 years together and had a family. I have bipolar disorder as well, and I made a suicide attempt. My ex divorced me after that, and in all the emotional mess and interior exploring that went along with that, those feelings about women came to the forefront, forcing me not to deny them. I said for a good year that I wasn’t sure if I was bisexual or not, but I knew. Admitting I was…it was easy as breathing in one sense. Denying that I was…that took a lot of effort. So much so that even when I deliberately decided to set that all aside again and return to my religion and try to save my marriage again, I told the very few people who knew the truth that I knew I was bisexual, I was just going to choose not to act on it. Well, here I am, almost 2 years later. Reconciling utterly failed. I’m back in the religion I’ve been in since I was a child and I get no joy out of it, just the feeling of relief that I don’t have to worry about going to hell. And with all the pride stuff this month and some other issues that have come up, I find myself once again looking at this. I have been chronically suicidal since a few months after I made my decision to set aside my sexual orientation. I’ve undergone pretty much everything but ECT and it hasn’t made an impact on that. I’m tired of walking around wanting to die and I can’t help but wonder, if this is what God wants me to do, why am I so damn miserable? Even thinking about just coming out gives me a feeling of hope that I almost don’t know how to recognize, given everything. I can’t see any woman ever wanting me. I’m severely overweight and physically disabled- factors that were part of the failure of my marriage. It’s so not even about that, although I would almost pay to have just one night with a woman. Just to know. But being bisexual is very much NOT compatible with my faith. And for me, practicing a liberal version of my faith wouldn’t work. To me (this is just my view) it would be denying everything the faith says and yet taking the good parts. I just don’t work that way. I have one friend who would still remain my friend but would probably try to get me to agree to an exorcism- seriously- and a family I’m in touch with who would be devastated if I left my faith and came out. They and my cat (who fortunately wouldn’t care ) are the only people I have left who care about me. I don’t want to lose them. But I’m so tired of my life. I’m going to be 40 next year, and I would like to have some authentic happiness and joy in my life. I had it when I was married, and I loved my husband and kids. That was true. But this is true, too. I asked my one friend who is LGBTQ-friendly if she thought I could choose to acknowledge this without living it and she said she had never heard of anyone who was happy deliberately choosing to be in the closet. I’m not either, and I don’t know what to do.
