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Can't be happy (general vent thread)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by notgavner, Dec 28, 2018.

  1. notgavner

    notgavner Guest

    I'll start:

    I'm not a happy person.

    When I was 11 I was, then I wasn't when I had my family make me into a laughing stock and my brother even scream in my face about how trans people are disgusting and confused (yikes, this'll come back later)

    Then I came out again when I was 14 and once again my family laughed but this time I didn't get sad, I got angry. I got really mad and I don't think I've ever stopped being mad.

    Pretty much every month since I was 11 I asked my parents to change my name, or get me hormone blockers (later on T), or to even refer to me as their son. Each time I was shot down with an argument that they saw what they saw when I came out. My mother treated it as a joke, my father was far less supportive.

    When I was younger, say about 15, I could manage my anger/sadness/frustration because I was working in an environment where I was seen as a guy and there were so much distractions I didn't even think about my gender or sexuality or anything. I loved that job, but I left it when I was 17 and I haven't had steady work since.

    I'm 19 now. I legally changed my names, I'll be starting hormones next February or so, and suddenly my family wants to be supportive.

    My brother, the charming fellow that called me disgusting and confused (screamed it in my face) is calling me his brother and pretending he didn't quite literally send me into a spiral of depression when I was 11. He was my hero and when he said that my love for him died. I still can't be comfortable around him, everytime I see him I remember what he said and it makes me angry.

    My mom, who paid for my change, is acting as if she's been the messiah since I came out and she's been nothing but supportive. I could never hate my parents but the emotions are strong. I just hate how she's pretending she didn't laugh in my face.

    My dad is still my dad, pretending it's a phase that will pass. It's been nearly 10 years wyd old man

    My other siblings (except my oldest sister God bless her) think the same as my dad. They see it as a phase or a long running joke. It's annoying.

    When I first saw the gender psychologist a few months ago I paid the fee and told my mom that this is how easy it would have been for them. She said well time doesn't matter I'm doing it now.

    When I changed my name my dad wouldn't talk to me that day and he still refers to me as that old hunk of shit name. Hes not trying though the rest of my family says he is.

    Here's where I feel like an asshole:
    I've changed my name, still not happy
    Going to start hormones, still not happy
    Generally accepted now, still not fucking happy.

    I don't think I'll ever be happy. I'm stuck like this (I'm not fond about gender dysphoria) and I got a family that will deny that they ever treated me even slightly badly when I came out.

    I get that support now is better than never but that 11 year old kid that was scared and confused and just needed to know it was okay needed it way more than me.

    I'm a bitter as fuck 19 year old that's so far in depressions ass I can't feel anything most days.

    And at this point I don't even think hormones or transitioning will help. I'm not excited about starting T or getting surgeries or anything. I know for a fucking fact that after I get that first shot I'll be more pissed off than anything, cuz I'll be coming home to a family that'll either joke about it or pretend they're the sole reason I had the strength to transition.

    I'm leaving this place as soon as I can and I don't know if I ever wanna see any of these people again. They've ruined my life and I'll never be happy because I've been treated like a circus act my entire life.

    The gender stuff is just the tip of the iceberg. I've been the lightning rod for insults and rude behaviour since I was born. I spent a lot of time alone as a kid because all my siblings, all 8 of them, didn't care enough to play with me or treat me like anything other than shit.

    I'm not a happy person. I don't think I'll ever be. But I'll tell you it feels really good to get this off my chest finally.

    Now that I'm done, if you wanna vent about how it was when you came out, do it!
  2. Flynn S

    Full Member

    Dec 22, 2017
    Likes Received:
    United States
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Sexual Orientation:
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think I was around 11 when I developed depression. I thought that by allaying some of my dysphoria (starting hrt, changing my name, surgery) I would magically transform back into the happy, outgoing kid I used to be. I didn't. I hardly felt anything after all that and whatever excitement I did feel was fleeting. Transitioning won't make you happy if gender dysphoria is not the only cause of your depression.

    That isn't a reason to feel bad about yourself or guilty or that transitioning doesn't matter. It just means you have a few more steps to go. Alleviating some of my gender dysphoria opened up different avenues of unresolved issues that I can now focus on. In your case, although it may not seem like it, your family does appear to be making progress. As you stated, having a mother and a few siblings who support you now even if they did not before is still better than having no support at all. Have you talked to them about how much their previous abuse affects you?

    Now for my vent: I just love returning home for the holidays to see all the pictures of my pre-transition self scattered around literally every square inch of the house.
  3. shasha1997

    Regular Member

    Dec 25, 2018
    Likes Received:
    Gender Pronoun:
    Sexual Orientation:
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    sounds like you need a depression psychiatric specialist support to relieve all your hatred of everything. you got everything you want but still full of hatred. Surely a recipe for a short life of misery.