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Cannot help but doubt

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Disintegration, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. Disintegration

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Ljubljana
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hello there, I am a new member and I sincerely hope this is the right place to post this. A rather long story follows, so I'll write a tl;dr summary at the end for those who have better things to do than read bloated texts. :slight_smile:

    I am a 21 year old person who was biologically born male. I was never the masculine type of guy, but genetics made sure I had plenty hair all over my body and a deep voice from adolescence on (I'll return to this later). My behaviour has always been within limits of what a "normal guy" would do, but if it were up to me I would probably express my emotions more openly etc.
    By orientation I like girls, in my teen years I had a crush on David Bowie, but I've never really been sexually attracted to another male that I knew.

    I remember when I was little, I told my mom I was sad because I realised I would never know what it's like to be a girl. She thought it was cute for me to say that and we never paid much more attention to it. Fast forward a few years: memories of my primary school years seem hazy (I would think due to some sort of repression). I do know that when my voice cracked when I was 13 (due to having a teenagery hormone cocktail in my body), it seemed very wrong. I hated my new voice. I did not dare to tell anyone about it (my parents are very xenophobic about nearly everything, which I thought was normal). I kept talking in falsetto non-stop for a year and a half and I told people that I just lost my voice. I think I knew it was only a temporary fix. The summer before high school (I was 15), I convinced myself that this new voice was a part of me and I gave into it. I never told anyone about it.

    Last autumn, I was in a relationship with a girl (not my first one), and one time during sex something clicked in me. I cannot explain, what, but after than I never found her attractive anymore, which led to me ultimately ending the relationship. I have not been attracted to another person since. She once asked me what I imagined while I masturbated, and I told her something which rather surprised me when I heard myself say it as well: that I imagined a girl, the type of clothes she wore, her haircut and her shoes, just being there, not doing anything sexual. (One outcome of this story is that I am just really messed up in the head, which I'll explain later.)

    On Saturday, I went home to my parents and we fought (we do many times). I stormed out and drove back into the city where I live. On my way I happened to remember that the pride parade was due on that day, and when I got off the bus I just followed some people to where it started, and soon I was one of the people walking in the crowd through the city. And, oh boy, what a crowd -- so many cool-looking people. When I got home, I was profoundly moved. I have yet to find out what exactly was the cause, but I couldn't get rid of this feeling inside me, which I trusted because I felt strangely pressured and relieved at the same time. What went through my head was the feeling that I might be, at least partly, a girl inside. To what extent (bigender or full-on trans), I am unsure. When I looked in the mirror yesterday, I saw 'myself' and was reminded of my childhood. Today, when I woke up, I felt the same.

    As am I unsure about everything else. I can't help but wonder why these thoughts would suddenly pop into my head after 21 years of existence, as a guy, which (I think) I almost never had a problem with. However, this feels so real. It's the first time I've felt this close to myself in months. And yet, it seems far-fetched to think I would only think this now: was it a deeply buried secret, or just an idea I picked up on the parade and started wearing it like a piece of trendy clothing? Can these thoughts actually be genuine? I plan on waiting and watching to see what happens.

    Another question that arises is, why in the world would I envision a girl in my fantasy, if there is a chance I envisioned myself as what I wished to appear? How the heck is fantasising about other people and yourself connected?

    There it is, my story. I am sorry if anyone finds any aspect of this odd, poorly explained or, though I hope not, offensive. I hope anyone of you might find something to say, not necessarily to help, but just to talk, I haven't felt this isolated in a long time, because I don't want to tell anyone about this in real life (yet).

    tl;dr: I am a 21 year old biological male who has just now started to think that they might be trans or bigender, and I am wondering why I would only come to think of this so late in my life.

    Thanks for any opinions and answers, and sorry for the long post. :slight_smile:
     
    #1 Disintegration, Jun 19, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2017
  2. Maxandcheese

    Regular Member

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    Hello! So I read your story, and first off I would like to say that it is perfectly normal to start questioning your gender later on in life! Many people do so, even sometimes when they are in their 80s or older, but their identity is still perfectly valid! Not every trans or nonbinary person knows their entire life that they aren't cisgender, and figure it out later on. Personally, I only started questioning my gender identity 2 or so years ago, and felt perfectly fine being a girl when I was little.
    Seeing the pride parade could have sparked something in you. Seeing people like you, who aren't cis and who are trans and nonbinary, may have switched on a sort of light bulb in your brain, helping you start to think about your identity. I started to question my identity when I saw a YouTube animation featuring nonbinary characters! I think it may be something about it making you think, not it making you want to be part of some sort of "trend". And since you seem to have been feeling this way for a while, since you were a kid even, I have no doubt that what you are feeling is completely real and valid!
    Discovering your identity is a long and complicated process (and one that I am still going through as well). Maybe looking for other stories by people with similar experiences to you could help!
    I hope this helps a bit! :slight_smile:
     
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  3. Disintegration

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Haha, I wonder how many more ways your life can be turned around just by living?
    Thanks for sharing your story, I always feel some kind of kind warmth inside me when I hear about other people's life experiences.

    I'll be following this forum for more info. I have a positive feeling something good will come out of this after all.

    Of course it helps, and I'm really thankful for it :slight_smile:
     
  4. Maxandcheese

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    No problem! I'm always happy to help! :slight_smile: