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Can you be gay and still be in a (good) opposite gender relationship?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ynot201013, Jun 24, 2020.

  1. ynot201013

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    Hi everyone,

    I hope this makes sense. I'm a guy and came out as bisexual to myself and to some people some years ago. I've only dated girls but have had sexual experiences with guys. I am in a two-year long relationship with a great girl. For the last few months I've noticed that I keep having more and more thoughts about men, and honestly if I wasn't in a relationship I would not even consider dating a woman at this point. The girl that I am with is amazing, and our relationship is great in every aspect, including sex. I'm just worried that I might regret staying in an opposite sex relationship and later figure out that I should have been with a man all that time.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    I suppose it depends on your definition of good...can it be pleasant? Yes, probably. Can you be truly fulfilled and connected? No, probably not.

    I can’t give a you a bisexual perspective though, so hopefully somebody else will be along soon.

    I would suggest that you take some time to think about what you want your life to look like, possibly even write it down. There’s no rush, and when you’re ready, talk to your girlfriend about how you’re feeling.
     
  3. lucas78

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    I'm just starting my own journey, but do remember it's ok to have different levels of interest in different genders, or in different specific partners.

    It sounds kind of like you might be in a happy enough place, which is *being really excited about being bi* and wanting to be with men because they're shiny and new. If you still find your primary relationship fun and fulfilling including in the sex department, and you're both getting a lot out of it, I wouldn't worry too much for now but would warn you to keep an eye on how you feel.

    That said if you're losing interest in your primary opposite-sex relationship, I strongly recommend talking to her about it and about what you want from her and what you want from guys. Maybe you just want different things from her than you want from guys, but you still like to be with her just not sexually, and that's ok -- *if* she's ok with that. But maybe you really just aren't interested and would actually be happy with another arrangement, or maybe she's not ok with the limited level of interest you can express.

    There's no right answer. You're going to have to talk it out and figure it out for yourselves, and it may be a painful process.
     
  4. Chip

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    One thing to be thoughtful of is the shift you've seen, and the perspective you now have. Sexual attraction and orientation are confusing and imprecise, and intermixed with our emotional wants and perceptions of ourself.

    So what I think I am hearing is that you don't want to lose this person you've been in a relationship and care about. And at the same time, you couldn't imagine going out with or seeking a new relationship with a woman.

    That leaves a couple of possibilities: Some folks are "gay except for this person". They, for whatever reason, feel a bond and connection to one person of the opposite sex. And that can work in the long term. But more commonly, for folks in your position, they start to become aware of their same-sex attraction, feel their opposite-sex attraction decreasing, and eventually realize that they simply don't feel the same sexual connection to the person they're with. This doesn't mean they care any less or love them any less as a person. But at that point, what you really have is a deep, meaningful friendship rather than a sexual attraction/relationship.

    So there's no clear answer. But sometimes, just by thinking the uncomfortable thoughts, things begin to clarify. The one piece I would say is that if you see the trend with it going in the direction of attraction to men, and that's continuing to get stronger in every way, it may not work out in the long term to be with a woman. There's really no way to predict for sure. But it's something to consider and to discuss openly with your partner. Here's why: If, 5 years down the road, you feel like you want and need to be in a relationship with a guy (which is not uncommon for heterosexually married folks coming out later in life), then your partner is stuck, 5 years later, starting anew. And that isn't really fair to her. Now... if she agrees to things for now, then that's cool, but the problem is that often people agree to that and essentially kick the can down the road hoping it won't come up again later.

    It's a lot to think about with no clear answers. I wish I had more to suggest.
     
  5. dl72

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    There is nothing wrong with that, but I think you really should look at what makes you happy. That is all that matters.
     
    #5 dl72, Jun 28, 2020 at 7:49 PM
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2020 at 7:51 PM
  6. dl72

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    You should do what you feel is right for both of you.
     
    #6 dl72, Jun 28, 2020 at 7:50 PM
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2020 at 7:53 PM
  7. Chip

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    Ultimately -- and this is difficult -- in this situation, I think you have to first look out for your own needs. Even if it makes things not OK for the person you are with. Ultimately, neither of you are going to be happy if you are in a relationship where you can't actually love the person you are with. Both of you deserve better.

    That's why it's important to do the self-exploration to find out what you really want as a first step.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    Completely agree with this.

    So many people worry about the pain they might cause by ending the relationship, but fail to see the pain that both parties might suffer by staying in the relationship. Resentment and the feeling of being unfulfilled are not easy to live with and keeping up a pretence is exhausting and suffocating. I know, I was with my ex for three years after I started questioning my sexuality.
     
    #8 LostInDaydreams, Jun 30, 2020 at 2:39 AM
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2020 at 2:41 AM