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Can you be gay and not like butt stuff... asking for a friend

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by riley02, Apr 12, 2019 at 6:34 AM.

  1. riley02

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    Hi, so I have a “straight” friend who I’ve know since kindergarten, so I know pretty much everything about him and how he reacts and when he’s lying. If you’ve seen any of my other posts this is the guy who has A) send me nudes on more that one occasion. And B) just kissed me in a drunken encounter. But back to my original question. This guy has always been very verbal that he thinks butt stuff Is gross, even if it’s with a girl. Whenever he says this, which is honestly quit often for such a statement, he seems pretty convincing. But the question is, even if he doesn’t like butt stuff he could still be gay right? Like there are plenty of other ways to, how do I say this, get intimate without involving the the bum area. Now my question is, if he can be gay with out liking butt stuff, how can he convince himself that he is in fact interested in me. I am nearly 85% sure he is bisexual and just doesn’t realize it because he thinks that in order to be gay you need to have gay sex but in my opinion that isn’t true. Any who, if you have any opinions or advice I would greatly appreciate it!
     
  2. I'mStillStanding

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    So you can be into anal gay or straight and you can totally not be into gay or straight. So yea you can be gay and not like “butt stuff” lol however I can tell you there was a lot of stuff I personally “didn’t like” while I was “straight”! I’m not making an assumption about your friends sexuality because I hated when people did that to me, I feel there’s clear signs he’s questioning lol but I’d personally never say that to him if he was my friend. I’m just saying like I wasn’t into it when I was deep in the closet, or into oral, or kissing, or sex really at all. But when I came out I realize I just was closed off sexually because I didn’t want to have to confront my own sexuality. Once that was done I found out just how wrong I was about a lot of stuff.
     
  3. riley02

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    So your saying he doesn’t like it because he’s so far in the closet that his brain sorta just shuts it out?
     
  4. Nickw

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    I agree with @I'mStillStanding.

    When I was young one test I used to give myself was that I tried to imagine anal sex and it was always a turn off. So, I couldn't be gay or bi. Right? Wrong.

    it sounds like your friend is at least questioning his sexuality a bit. That's OK. Maybe just let him figure this out at his own pace.
     
  5. I'mStillStanding

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    Not completely... I’m saying that was true for me. Like I literally wasn’t into anything lol but that was my way of shutting down my sexuality.

    But there are gay guys who aren’t into anal and straight people who are... so you really can’t gauge sexuality based on that.
     
  6. I'mStillStanding

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    But like @Nickw says it sounds like he’s questioning based on what you’ve shared. There’s someone in my life who I feel is questioning based on questions they’ve asked and such. I answer any and everything openly but never push. I feel it’s just best to let them know I am open to any conversation so when they are comfortable they bring it up... it’s a hard thing to come to terms with (or at least it was for me) so I don’t want to push the person I’m close with.

    And I’m not saying you are pushing. I’ve not read anything that’s jumped out like that to me (though the vape thing was a bit interesting I must admit lol). Just keep being there for your friend :slight_smile: gay, straight, bi whatever he maybe you can be an awesome guy in his life :slight_smile:
     
  7. Chierro

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    Okay well, first, no, you don't have to be into anal to be gay. I'll engage in it but it is far from my preference. But I'm gay.

    However, I will also address the more pressing matter: leave the dude's sexuality the fuck alone, man. It does not matter if you think he is gay or bi, for all intents and purposes he is straight until and unless he says otherwise. Sending you nudes and drunkenly kissing you does not tell me at all that he's gay. And I have read your other posts. If he is gay or bi, you are trying to force him out of the closet and literally no one ever wants that to happen to them. Just like...chill.
     
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  8. Chip

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    This is the same guy you've had a whole bunch of posts about, no? If so, on your previous posts, you've made it clear that you've talked to him, kissed him, done everything under the sun to give him the opportunity to admit he's bisexual and/or gay, and he has said no. And it seems like this has been going on for like 2 years.

    So... let it go.

    He might be gay or bi and closeted. He might be straight.

    But in any case, he's not ready to come out, and has repeatedly indicated so to you.

    I think what I said 2 years ago on this still applies... if you push/encourage/cajole him, you might get what you want in the short term... and more likely will destroy the friendship in the process.

    Find someone else who is out and interested. It will be better and healthier for you, and much better for this other person.
     
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  9. riley02

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    Alright I think you made it clear @Chip and @Chierro... thanks
     
  10. riley02

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    You could have said it in a nicer way @Chierro but your still right thanks for everything
     
  11. Inlife88

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    I have heard of a case where two guys got married, but they never have sex because they think it is "gross"
     
  12. Destin

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    Yeah there's gay guys not into that. There's even a word to describe them, which is "side" as opposed to top and bottom. I think it kind of depends on who it's with too. When I thought I was straight I didn't really like anal with girls and it was awkward, and I'll do it with random gay hookups if they want but it still makes me kind of tense. I'm sort of a neat freak too so the concerns about how sanitary it is get to me sometimes. With my boyfriend though it's a much closer and more intimate connection so I like it a lot more with him and can relax completely.
     
  13. riley02

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    Alright well I’m getting pretty different answers. Honestly all I want to do is to just stop thinking about him all together. But he’s all I think about. He even shows up in my dreams, nothing sexual or anything but he is definitely there. And it’s not like I can just ignore him and not talk to him because we’ve been friends for literally ever and I am forced to sit by him every day. Soo now what
     
  14. Contented

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    I feel the same way with my BF in our intimate relationship I am very comfortable and totally enjoy anal. It is such a sensual connection both humbling and empowering at the same time. Couldn’t imagine excluding it from my life.
     
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  15. ThatBorussenGuy

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    Your friend might be aesthetically attracted to men; he may even he romantically attracted to men. But it is very possible to simply not be sexually attracted. It's not far-fetched at all. There's a reason terms like "biromantic" or "homoromantic" exist. It's possible for someone's romantic attraction to be different from their sexual attraction. He may only be sexually attracted to females, but be romantically attracted to both.

    As for being intimate without sex, also possible. There are multiple ways to be intimate with a partner that don't involve sex.
     
    #15 ThatBorussenGuy, Apr 15, 2019 at 5:12 AM
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019 at 5:13 AM
  16. riley02

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    I appreciate all the responses but I’m not sure how this helps me. What can I do specifically to help the situation while also making him feel comfortable?
     
  17. Chip

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    You aren't getting different answers. People are saying that it is theoretically possible for someone to be gay and not enjoy or be intersted in anal sex. That is true.

    What is also true is that your friend has repeatedly told you he isn't gay and isn't interested. So you need to lay off and let go of this whole thing, unless you don't give a crap about his feelings and are willing to risk losing the friendship entirely. There are lots of people in the world who have attractions or crushes on people where, for one reason or another, nothing is ever going to happen. This appears to be one of those situations. So just deal with it and move on.
     
  18. Chip

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    Only problem with this is there's zero credible evidence, support, or recognition from anyone credible in the field for the idea of a separation between romantic and sexual attraction. This is a bogus idea propagated by a tiny-but-vocal group with no basis whatsoever in anything measurable or credible.

    Additionally, "aesthetic" attraction is equally unrecognized as having anything to do with sexual attraction. I'm aesthetically attracted to good architecture. I have no interest in having a relationship with a house.

    Sheesh. I really wish people would not cloud the issues with irrelevant stuff that comes from somebody's Tumblr rantings.
     
  19. Inlife88

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    Take things slow. It will progress over time. After a few time of going out, why not try to hold his hand? Being open and communicating may also work. If things progress, and I hope they do for you, at a point it may seem to be the next logical step to try anal, after a while.
     
  20. Inlife88

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    I do have to agree with Chip in this one. If he has told you that he is not gay and is not interested, then you should respect his decision. If time progresses, things may change, but if you keep trying to convince him, then you could lose him all together, which would be the worst case.