Hi there. More mental health stuff coming your way because aside from here I don't think I have anywhere to discuss my mental health. You're free to ignore this thread. I've been on a small hiatus due to vacations and being in a place where I basically had 20Kb internet connection. That led me to do two things, mainly. First thing : I got back into drawing a bit more, which is good. Secondly, I had a lot of time to think about stuff. That's usually a very risky situation, since spending a lot of time alone thinking can go kinda good, or really bad. I reflected a bit on how my condition evolved. About three years ago I was a depressed slump incapable of doing anything, and who spent days thinking about death, being despaired, sad, and such. That was really what I could call severe depression, which I attributed to loads of internalized homophobia, mostly. That lasted around 1 year and a half, as far as my memory go. Then things slowly changed. Most of the time, I just felt bored. Not despaired, but not good. Just bored and empty, and most often alone. I got used to it. Occasionally, I would have really bad moments where everything would flood back and hurt me. I didn't feel the same despair and sadness of the first year and a half, but rather the self directed rage wrapped in dissociation that I incubated while developing my self harming habits. So for a while, this went on. Since January 2016 I started logging my mood every day (I have stopped at the beginning of August this year) and that's how I noticed the cyclical pattern. Pretty soon, I also noticed that right after, or soon after the destructive outburst, I'd get a kick of energy, motivation, and determination. Eventually those two stages were nicknamed "Damnation" and "Euphoria" (I made my first sketches of that cycle in the beginning of September 2016; it went "Euphoria, Alxithymia (Boredom/Heat), Shock, Damnation (Dissociative Breakdown/Parade/Dissociative Destruction)") and later called "Low" and "High" phases. As of late I'm not feeling depressed. I feel lonely, occasionally hopeless. But that you probably know already. New stuff appeared, lately, like the little voice in my mind (not that kind of voice, just the normal voice I think in) talking and talking and talking endlessly about everything for no reason when I'm trying to focus and calm down. And sometimes those chaotic threads of thoughts lead to my brain thinking that one day it will all end and I'll regret not solving it sooner. This is the most bone chilling thought ever. When that happens, my brain freezes, which is not usual. I stop thinking, I am filled with dread, and I just imagine what it's like not to feel anything, not to think anything, not being able to do anything any more. Sometimes that makes me fear going to sleep. I am becoming obsessed with how little time I have left despite consciously knowing I still probably have 50 years to live at least. I'm kind of used to the cyclical behaviour, I'm even getting used to the fear of death, and the accelerating and gradually more chaotic trains of thoughts. But when I think about how depressed I was three years ago I wonder if just like depression all of that will just go away with enough time, if it's just a behaviour issue due to my age and development. If I were to put it generally : can stuff like that (which is not necessarily mental illnesses but simply behaviours) go away on its own? PS: I wanna try and post here more, but honestly, I don't have that much advice to offer or things to discuss.
Hey welcome back! Some behaviours do go away on their own and some don't. I know for myself that there was a time where I was really afraid of dying and would get panic attacks about it. They still occur but are very rare compared to what they were before,I think though that you also have to ask yourself whether the behaviours are beginning to affect your every-day life. If that's the case it may not be worth just waiting and seeing if it will go away by itself. Is there a time of day when it gets worse? P.S. that was really smart to track your emotions like that.
In terms of how those behaviours affect me, they don't cripple me any more than I have been in the past year and a half. I am not good but I'm not as bad as I used to be. That being said. I still am isolated, feel disconnected from the real world, have not seen anyone who isn't my family in a week and a half, and still have issues sleeping. I can manage to function somewhat through that even with what's being added. I know that the chaotic and frenetic throughts happen whenever I'm not focused on one main activity. I talk to myself. I reflect on stuff, but so fast I can't even form words in my mind. It get particularly bad when I try to fall asleep, at which points it's less like an inner voice debating everything with me and more like an agitated crowd talking like they're reading Wikipedia articles and keep changing page every time there is a link. Just writing "Wikipedia" made me think about links, then <a> HTML tags and the horrible colour they have when you see them in Firefox's page code viewer, then web design, then embedded languages, then SQL injections, then the video I watched on SQL injections, and the horrible shirts the hosts had. Now imagine that this happens but for every noun, every idea. It was always happening but I feel like it's getting worse and worse. Oh, and I don't think I'm having anything close to panick when my brain tries to make me conceptualise death. It's just.. a freeze. Like when you figure out the answer of a really hard question, or when you cut your finger with a butcher knife. It's a small state of shock that will last probably 5 real seconds despite feeling like 15. I'm not too worried about it. I guess I just really hope that one day whatever is messed up in my brain (at least the hyperenergetic/depressive thing, not the rest of what's broken) fixes itself... PS: actually one thing I thought would be interesting to say is that I typically fall asleep due to the mental exhaustion caused by constantly thinking. But it's been like that since I was a kid. It just wasn't that bad before. Also, I did start to log multiple activities because I noticed that I would only have breakdowns on the days where I had played music on my synthetiser the day before. So I was also logging different activities and eventually finely tuned what I had to look for in terms of Euphoria (feeling like my vision is "bright" again, generally chaotic activity, a tendency to switch oral language without realising it) and the darker phases (rainy mood, suicidal thoughts, self harm, disconnection from reality and the feelin that what I see is fake, and also how often I draw and write, to show where the low phase would hinder my activities). That's how I got such a fine detailed scheme of my cycles.
Well the hyper-energetic brain thing is definitely exhausting-- My mind tends to wander too (especially when not focused on a task), but not nearly to the same extent as yours, so I can only imagine how tiring that must be. No wonder you fall asleep because of mental exhaustion. Interestingly,a couple of years ago, when I did some group therapy stuff that was one of the topics so there are definitely ways to help to control it. Most of them were mindfulness techniques,which I've probably mentioned before (I'db e happy to share them with you think you might want to try) In terms of that state of shock, that is usually what starts my panic attack lol. P.S. It is good that you have such a good understanding of your cycles.
Sounds a lot like racing thoughts, commonly found in bipolar disorder's mania spectrum. I can very much relate to it. Your mind is constantly busy analyzing, over-analyzing and trying to make sense of it all. I get that a lot, and I'm a very quiet person in general, even though my mind is racing with flights of ideas and I can form complete conversations in my mind without uttering a single word. It's like my thoughts can't be processed into actual words. It freaks people out that I'm so quiet and it pisses me off when they comment on it because I don't know how else to be. Anyway, back to racing thoughts. Yeah, it can be exhausting, and that's typically why you fall asleep fairly easily. I usually take a while before falling asleep but I then have vivid dreams, sometimes the strangest ones, and wake up in the morning, feeling like I've only gotten 10 minutes of sleep. It sucks. If this is really bothering you, perhaps you should go back to your doctor (psychiatrist) and tell them about your racing thoughts, and request a possible re-evaluation of what's going on with you. Especially since you mention spikes of energy (mania), followed by a low (depression). It can be easily managed by medications. I've been bipolar all my life, but only officially diagnosed +/-7 years ago, and have been on medication since. It needs some adjustments from time to time though but I think we're on a winning combination at the moment because my symptoms have lessened considerably. I'm still quiet and awkward but the racing thoughts don't happen as frequently anymore. So yeah, my advice to you is to go back to your p-doc for a re-evaluation of what's going on with you. Just my 2c
I thought about another thing I could've mentionned which is the fact that for almost a year and a half (Nov '14 to around March '16) I'd consciously work as much as possible on mind draining activities (mainly programming) to pre-exhaust myself because I wanted as little time as possible alone in bed with my depressed thoughts, and those same thoughts would make it hard to fall asleep anyways. I have actually tried mindfulness techniques, and despite how excruciatingly hard it is to focus on what I should do (especially if it's not a recording of instructions I'm listening to. So far I've never been able to do it alone) I'd like to see what other techniques there are. So if you could share, that'd be great. Oh. Sorry to hear that. I haven't had anything close to panick in ages but my brain can sometimes remind me of what it feels like. My brain's kind of a prankster sometimes, who goes against my own will or interest. Actually that knowledge is a waste now. Everything used to be precise as clockwork. 28 days approximately. A few days of high, a long period of blandness, a few days of uncontrollable arousal (contrary to the high, actually. Sorry if TMI), a trigger, slow breakdown, and the explosion of grandiose self destruction. But since June 1st the cycles have been chaotic. They don't last as often, they're not as clear to identify. Sometimes I can have two lows or two highs in a row. It's become a mess.. All of that... sounds terrifyingly close to what I'm living with. I've gotten used to it though, and there are multiple reasons why I can't/wouldn't seek out professional help right now. Too many important things happening to disrupt with medical and psychological care...
I hope things improve for you, and you get to feel like a normal, functioning person again. We're all here to offer support if you feel you need to talk. Hugs
Well that would definitely do it. Yeah mindfulness takes a lot of patience and mental power. One thing that I learnt was to imagine your thoughts as some sort of physical object. I usually think of my thoughts as leaves on a river. So for example, if I was thinking about a test or something I might imagine a leaf with the word test on it. Then I imagine the leaf being taken away on the river. Each thought is anew leaf and the idea is just to watch them float by. Any scenario works so you could imagine cars on a road, clouds in the sky, etc. The idea is to accept that these are the thoughts you are having, acknowledge it and allow it to leave. Another technique that I like that helps to calm the mind is to do a body scan.Start by closing your eyes and relax your breathing. Starting with the tip of your toes and working up towards your head examine the physical sensations in your body. Do your toes feel heavy or light? Do you feel warmth or coolness? Is there any tension? etc. If your mind starts wondering while you're doing this, acknowledge that your mind has wandered and try to go back to the task at hand (and don't be angry or annoyed if your mind wanders because it will-- it is natural). I usually find that doing a body scan before bed can help sleeping. Well like I said, they are very infrequent now and usually don't last very long, so it's all good. Yeah those trickster brains are hard to deal with sometimes lol. Well the fact that you have a change in the cycle is important knowledge too. Was there something that changed in your routine or life or something around the time your cycle started to go out of whack?
Thank you for the hopes. That sounds like a cool one. I should try that one tonight. I have had fairly energetic days and two nights of going to sleep at 3AM, so I am tired. I did that one, and I tried focusing on it, alone, which was painfully difficult. School was about to end, maybe a bit of exam stress but I didn't feel it until way later. Those things have happened in the past and never really disrupted my cycles. I actually went back and checked the data, and things have been a little messy but not as chaotic as I thought. It just happened that I had multiple breakdowns and energetic moments in a row, for some reason. At the end of June, things apparently got back on track.
Well let me know how it goes if you do try it. The body scan is definitely not something that comes easy. I'm glad that things aren't as chaotic as you thought.
Interesting. I think you should make a journal about your feelings for future psycho analysis. You can detail several of your cycles in perfect detail and take long term timelines of trends in your psychological state that could be extremely interesting to review. Anyways, I had fear of death attacks when I was younger. I solved them by figuring out the probabilities I could of different things about death, like what will happen. I realized there is a 100% probability that not only will I die, but I will exist again or even more accurately all States of me still exist and after a long time of contemplating the varies possible multiversal structures that can represent and infinite bubble of infinite bubbles death became something I think of objectively. I'm much more afraid of permanent limb damage because I'll have to live with that even when my life repeats in the multiverse...
I don't know anyone who would be interested in getting a graph of my mood shifts for the past 550 days or so, but okay. Fair enough. Also sorry for the delay. I had a slow day, followed by a couple others where I could simply get nothing done and yet everything was getting done. Like, I would randomly shift between projects and new ideas and not focus on things like checking here, or my social media, drawing, or talking to people at all. At least I wrote a semblance of system kernel and got stuff like HyperGAN to run (ask google), at the cost of going to sleep at 4AM twice in a row... I guess I just had a small high.
I love graphs of data of data and cycles are always very interesting to me (causes of changes in cycles, cascading cycles, etc...) Anyways, good job on getting work done. I have been having trouble being motivated to do much recently also, but hopefully I can get into a decent schedule and keep up with my unending list of responsibilities.
Quick update : I'm starting to see flashes where I seriously injure/hurt myself and I woke up with low energy and no motivation to do anything. Generally, I also sense frustration and anger building up for apparently no reason... so, uh, I guess it's that time again. (EDIT: I figured it was the most relevant thread to update on)
Well just remember that those flashes are just thoughts and don't have to become reality. You'll get through this!
I do know that. And they never become reality, because they're way too extreme for that. But what it means is that I'm going downhill from now until a big crash, and then a new cycle starts.
The worst thing you can do right now is assume that you will crash. It may seem impossible but you have the power to break that cycle before getting to that point. Here's another trick I use sometimes if I get really down. Try going for a walk. On the walk do your best to notice all the things going on around you. Sometimes if we can get out of our headspace and see the world around us it can help.
I've been right for the past year and a half, I know the signs. It's probably not today but it's happening soon enough that the preliminary symptoms are showing up (yes, flashes of self mutilation are only preliminary symptoms, along with sudden spontaneous obsessions, especially with music, decreased energy, motivation, etc; and if the catchy tune blasting in my ears right now is any sign, I have multiple indicators that I'm going downhill). Tried. Failed. I removed cutting from the equation, it did nothing. I tried delaying the final explosion. The cycle still went around as usual. I tried keeping myself out of "that" mindset, but eventually there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's like a handle I cannot reach, tied to a sinusoidal wave, is making my motivation and energy alternate, from very big, to very low, to somewhat mild most of the time, and I have zero control over it. Whatever happens I'll slowly go nuts to the point where I can no longer acknowledge that what is around me is real (it's already happening as I'm writing), where I will have sort a tunnel vision way of thinking, which is what led me to strangulate myself in the past, or even cut. Reality and sense aren't a thing when I enter that last stage. The only way of stopping that is ending the lapse, in whatever way I can, hopefully the least violent and definitive possible. Maybe I should state clearly that contrary to how my cycles were when they started, breakdowns aren't so much about being sad any more. I am slowly detached from reality, filled with frustration because nothing is changing and all the other self defeating junk I bottle up during the lapse adds onto that, anger at myself, and fear because nothing around me makes sense to me, up until my mind literally isn't able to comprehend reality any more. There are some other weird feelings I have which I have no clue how to scribe but do not look so good. I am not feeling sad. The closest word I could use to describe right now is psychotic (focus is difficult, not sleeping enough, withdrawal, delusions, erratic speech (I mean, look I have parenthesis inside of parenthesis, which is correct when in code but is ugly as hell in speech, and yes they're purely self-rethorical but I had to expand on my explanation), and, I guess, suicidal ideation in a way). It's that weird moment when suddenly I go from lacking energy to a gigantic boost (at least in the less depressed ends of lapses; because I have no reason to be depressed right now), which usually coincides with the point where my recollection of events becomes blurry and I usually only remember stuff through evidence of my doing. I'm not myself when I am at the end of a lapse, whatever you tell me, whatever I learn, whatever I want, I'll end up doing what I have always done, because logic, reason and memory do not follow me when I enter that state of insanity. At least I have an answer, it's not going away with time. It's mutating, but it will not leave me. But of course a more hopeful version of me, typically with more motivation and determination, will think that somewhat he'll be able to rid us of that plight but there is no reason for me to believe that because I know that my issues are way too deep for even y'all here to assist me with; I need professional help, of course, and I need it now, but I can't so I guess I'll just go on with each cycle repeating the same process every time and giving quick updates on how it's going and hopefully that way of living won't root itself deep into my mind or else I'm gonna have a really hard time being a functioning adult (if I do live past 20).
I never said you were sad. The point of the walking exercise is to become aware of the reality around you. Yes, you probably do need professional help, and it might become harder for you to function without it. BUT please stop feeding into those feelings (or lack thereof) if you can help it. I don't know if this will help you, but I was recommended this website: https://ecouch.anu.edu.au/new_users/welcome01 and there are some useful things on it (like CBT) that may help.
