Okay so a little backstory...(sorry in advance for it being so long) I have identified as a pan-romantic trans male since I was 14 so going on 5 years. Up until I found the term transgender, I had the usual feminine childhood. Ya know, long hair, dresses, skirts, I was on the volleyball team for my school, etc. When I was 13 I came out to my friends as a lesbian because that's the only thing I knew at the time. After a year the label fell off real quick. I started feeling more and more disconnected with my physical image as well as the things going on in my head. I started dressing in looser clothes that didn't show off my body, I started wearing sports bras more often because they made my chest looking smaller (though they kept growing till I was 18 T-T) and I started doing extensive research on gender and sexual orientation. That's when I found transgender and at the time it fit perfectly. I came out to my family at 16 and it was going well from then on. Fast forward to September of 2018 when I joined the army. Now, I won't go too into detail but i'll point out the big things. During Basic Training, separation of genders were heavily enforced especially for the job i chose (Cavalry Scout, it's one of the combat jobs that was opened for females back in 2016) I understood the separate sleeping bays for safety reasons but aside from that the lines get bleary for what was okay and just unnecessary. Like while we're out in the field, which is SUPPOSED to be a representation of a real life deployment, what's the point of separate sleeping areas (that sometimes move you further away from your team) and labeled porta potties. Aside from that the nighttime routine fucked me up almost immediately. During the first 3 weeks we are giving 30 secs to a minute to do hygiene while being supervised by one of the female drill sergeants. After the three weeks we have about 30 mins to and hour. The dysphoria got so bad for me that I'd try to be the very first person or the very last person. Sometimes I'd just skip it entirely (gross I know). My point is, it was a struggle for me on the gender front. After graduating June of last year (I was held back for an injury) my identity just started to slowly fall apart. I still wear primarily masculine clothes and use more masculine mannerisms but more and more I have been moving away from the masculine side of me and now I feel i'm somewhere in the middle. I still don't identify with my birth gender but i don't entirely identify as a male. There are days I dress to pass as a male. Binder, lose graphic tee and sweatpants is my usual outfit for those kind of days. then there's the days I could care less how people saw me so I would wear tighter pants or a more "fitting" shirt. Then there's the days that are a mix of wearing a binder with a more feminine outfit kind of pulling off the androgynous look. Personally, I've dropped the trans label but I haven't came out as anything different. I still think transgender fits but not to the same degree as before. I've looked into being non-binary and it seems to fit but not completely. I came across Ash Hardell's and Uppercasechase's videos on the topic and it got me thinking. Can't I just be both? I don't have a connection with the gender I was born with, I want to have top surgery at some point n my life as well as take testosterone, so that's where Transgender comes from but I don't feel as though that's all I am as a person. I want to do things with my physical appearance that are socially accepted as female, primarily grow my hair out (I've kept it super short for a long time) because that would make me more comfortable in who I am. I am just looking for opinions or suggestions that could at maybe help me figure this out. Thank you.