I know gay people themselves can have pretty good gaydars, but can someone who is homophobic also be able to pick up on it? I've never faced any homophobia whatsoever outside the internet, but I also don't talk about my sexuality very much and have "come out" to very few people, simply because the topic doesn't come up. But since gaydar is a real thing, perhaps homophobes might have good ones too and be able to tell that I'm gay walking down the street or in class. None have ever done anything. Is it a thing for homophobes to harass or assault people who come across as gay to them before they know for sure?
Yes and no. Yes in the sense that yes, there have been times when homophobes have successfully picked out gays from straights, but no in the sense that these same homophobes often falsely pick out a lot of straights as well. Think of it like witch hunts in colonial New England or Medieval Europe - being a witch isn't a bad thing, it's actually really cool, but people still hated the idea of magic, and accused everyone left and right of being a witch. A lot of muggles (to borrow a Harry Potter term) got burned at the stake, even though they couldn't even do a magic trick. Well, replace witch-hunters with homophobes, muggles with straight people, and witches with gay people, and it's the same thing. Except we can't do magic :-( Also some homophobic people are actually gay on the inside, but repress their homosexuality. This repression drives them crazy, and makes them lash out by constantly trying to out other gay people to deflect any suspicion that could be directed at them. Sometimes they get it right and can out somebody, but they can also get wrong, and falsely claim a straight person is gay. It is a thing for homophobes to harass or assault people who come across as gay to them before they know for sure, it happens. School bullies thrive on this. I can't even count all the trivial things I was bullied for in school because for whatever reason, it could remotely be considered "gay." And I mean trivial, meaningless things that have nothing to do with sexual orientation at all. But after high school, this tends to go down. You can always be randomly attacked, but so can anyone. For the most part, you shouldn't worry about homophobes lurking in the crowd, scanning people with gaydar, and picking us out like magic. Gaydar isn't accurate at all. You of course should protect yourself from bullying, and be careful in the streets, as everyone should, but not to the point where you are paranoid and living in fear. Predatory people like homophobes, and bullies in general, can smell fear a lot better than they can smell gay. So don't let it bring you down.
Well... consider that there's data showing that many (perhaps a majority) of homophobes are closeted poofs. Given that, yes, many homophobes likely do have gaydar at least as well tuned as the average gay person. That said, I agree with Chizu that, for the most part, it's not something to stress about. Yes, homophobic bullies do often taunt people they identify as gay who aren't yet out. And if it happens... you deal with it. There isn't a lot you can do about it, and attempts to throw them off the scent by "acting straight" usually have the effect of making it more obvious that you're gay and hiding it to people with gaydar. (Unsettling to those in the closet, I know, but absolutely true, at least in my experience; the person busily acting hyper straight and talking incessantly about banging chicks is overwhelmingly the dude that several years later is flying out of the closet setting everything in sight on fire with his flaming faggotry... if you'll excuse the expression. )
If someone hates gays strongly enough, they will look for any excuse to attack someone's sexuality. It's not just limited to attacking people they correctly perceive as gay, it includes straight people that they think look and act gay. A straight man can be a good dancer, he can have a gentle voice, and he can even have a close, affectionate friendship with another man. It's still homophobia to call him a faggot for those reasons, even if he is only attracted to women. This is kind of why I don't like the term "gaydar" because it implies that some of us are trying to hide our sexuality. If someone says to me "I can tell you're gay, I've got a good gaydar" it feels like they are accusing me of putting on a disguise to blend in with the straight crowd. It also tells me they are looking for the same kind of signs in my behavior that my homophobic bullies looked for when I was at school.
The few really homophobic people I know, do not have very good gaydar. Because if they had they sure as hell wouldn't be friends with me even if I am only bi. Even a stuck clock is right twice a day, buts its wrong the rest of the time.
I do believe the majority of homophobes don't have good gaydar. The fact that many of them think it's a choice shows they don't understand how sexuality works at all. That, along with the fact that in all the coming out stories I've read I've never seen a homophobe be like "I suspected". And the fact that I've never been gaydar'd. But I started this thread wondering about if there are some who do have good gaydars.
I don't think it's that. Unless you happen to be wearing an enormous rainbow flag or a shirt that says "I'm Gay and Fabulous", there are an awful lot of gay guys (and lesbians, for that matter) that, to the average person, don't come across as gay or lesbian. But those same people will almost certainly be picked out by someone with good gaydar. I know a number of people with impeccable gaydar (a couple who reliably pick people out several years before they come out). I think gaydar makes people nervous because they don't like the fact that they may not be able to hide this aspect of themselves. And they probably *are* seeing the same signs that homophobic bullies see because... as I've said before, the majority of homophobic bullies are, themselves, closeted poofs. (There's actually a couple of interesting studies looking at this.) They see in others what they are afraid of within themselves. My own gaydar with guys is pretty decent, but it is abysmally bad with lesbians. I have other gay friends whose lesbian gaydar is as good as their gaydar. When you talk to people about gaydar, sure there are the stereotypical signs. But there are other signs, difficult to describe, that are difficult or impossible to describe. Some describe it as just a sense or an energy. Others describe subtle body language. What I find most interesting is that the people who are deeply closeted and desperately trying to hide their gayness and trying to act super masculine/straight are often the most obvious, simply because of their attempts to hide. There are people who are gay but don't trip anyone's gaydar... but those folks are generally pretty rare, at least among those I know.
I think it might be an evolutionary trait. It would make sense if we were able to subconsciously tell apart potential rivals versus potential mates. Things like sensing pheromones... they might not even be able to tell what about this person is different, or why they stand out. Isn't it funny how things like "acting straight" end up having the reverse effect?
It is... and seeing it in real life is always somewhere between comical and sad. These folks are trying so desperately to keep their secret that they're falling all over themselves trying to act straight, and often making a caricature of what a genuinely straight person acts like. If people just are themselves, they're generally going to be a lot more inconspicuous than if they intentionally try to be hyper masculine.
OMG, I am fairly new to this but I would be scared if someone would point out my bisexuality, I wouldn't know what to say.
Fortunately, most people aren't that abrupt. And as for the ones who are... well, that's always an individual call, but often if they know, likely others have figured it out as well, so it might just be time to own up to it.
I wouldn't worry about this. The fact of the matter is that, in my experience, gay people have a tacit agreement not to acknowledge how obvious most closeted people are. My gaydar is pretty spot on; so's my husband's. If a straight guy asks either of us if he ever gives off a gay vibe the answer would be something along the lines of: well, I mean you are wearing that shirt. A closeted gay guy asks the same question and the answer is always: no, never, why do you ask? It's really one of the only times I still allow myself to lie.
This. Definitely. Why are you worried? What do you think they may specifically pick up on? What kind of friends and acquaintances are in your circle? The so called gaydar is often misused and abused like some kind of power that someone is dangling over the suspected LGBT person. If it's a G/L/B person doing it, they are trying to shame the other person with it. It must mean they have shame issue themselves, though they'll deny it. If a person uses their gaydar just to understand what's going on around them, to befriend someone, or to figure out who might be receptive to getting better acquainted, then that's totally okay. I think some most homophobes have gaydar. They're vigilant. It's even more interesting why they would. Some could have it because they're really conservative and religious and they are protecting their circle from potential invading imposters. Others have it because they are repressed.
Perhaps you are right, well regarding my circle of friends I don't have any (only coworkers) since I spend a lot of time working. I tend to be very reserved, I hope that I could change that.
