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Came out to therapist today

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by maybgayguy, Aug 11, 2020.

  1. maybgayguy

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    Thanks Lara! I agree that my wife deserves to have that too. I haven't been able to give her that.

    I hope you are doing well with everything.
     
  2. Contented

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    I think it’s almost universal for those of us coming out later in life after long term heterosexual relations to want to spare our partners and family pain caused by our actions. However in most cases I don’t think it’s really possible. Once same sex attraction is acknowledged and admitted your world starts to change. You start to change as you realize that your desires for a same sex relation are closer and closer. It becomes almost impossible to provide the emotional and sexually support your straight partners needs and desires. Nor is it possible for them to provide you as well. For most the only real solution is allowing your partner the freedom to find someone who can love them the way you no longer can or want to. Being gay is not for wimps, it’s takes real courage to embrace your authentic self and live that way. Keep moving forward it is the only direction that works.
     
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  3. maybgayguy

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    This is EXACTLY how I feel since coming out to myself and in the last two weeks since coming out to my therapist. I have been connecting with some other gay men through some other sites and apps. It has been really nice. I am enjoying it. I haven’t done anything in person yet some of them want more than chatting.
     
  4. Nickw

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    Hey Maybgayguy

    I know what the temptations can be like once you start to chat with other guys on apps. The pressure to hook up can be so strong. I know that I had justified cheating on my wife. But, I didn't follow through. It was a HUGE deal for my wife that I had not gone behind her back as we worked through my coming out. I don't want to sound judgmental. But, cheating is a bad idea. Even visiting the Apps might be a problem for some spouses even though it seems pretty tame to just chat.
     
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  5. maybgayguy

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    I agree and I am not going to do anything before I come out to my wife. I know from enough stories that the cheating can be the most destructive thing. That being said, I really do feel that I need to connect and explore a bit. I don’t think I can get a sense of that without some exploration - even if it is not physical. To this end, porn and some chatting with other guys that understand my situation is invaluable.

    Also, I am not sure how much to share with my wife. I really don’t think she needs to know everything. Again, I am not going to meet up with anyone but I am not sure she needs to know all the times I went to a gay bar, chatted online or what types of gay porn I like.
     
    #25 maybgayguy, Aug 15, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2020
  6. Nickw

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    I agree that your wife doesn’t need details.

    Exploration IS important especially since you don’t have a lot of experience. They way I look at these things is to put myself in my wife’s situation. If my wife were chatting with other men on line and meeting them in bars I would feel as if that was dishonest and I would feel it was cheating even if she didn’t have sex.

    My wife, on the other hand, was unconcerned when I told her I had almost met a guy for a hand job. She thought it was funny.

    But, the one thing she has not been happy with through this whole thing is that I didn’t respect her enough to confide in her.

    You know your wife and what she would consider a breach of the marriage. So, maybe, how far you go should be based on that?
     
  7. maybgayguy

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    Thanks for your response!

    I realize that this might be a somewhat controversial view but I think the gay vs. straight part is different here. If we were both straight, yeah, that would probably hurt. I do think I could get past that if she ended up telling me AND it would be much easier if she had not been physical with another man. This is a bit tricky for me as I think I would be ok if she was doing this given my exact circumstances.

    However, if she was seeing women as she thought she might be a lesbian, I would see that as different. Again, I am not talking about actual sex.

    FWIW, I am sure many spouses would be angry to find out their spouse is posting or consistently reading this website too.
     
  8. Contented

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    This is one of the issues we face once we start to embrace our same next attraction. It begins to get stronger and stronger and we start to fight it. It is almost impossible to do so. For me it’s was like a train gathering speed and rushing towards fulfilling my long buried desires to be with a man. I thought I could control its speed but I was wrong. Turned out I wanted this so badly it started to consume me. Like other have advised tell your wife before this express train to your sexual liberation leaves the station. In the long run as painful as it might be it is better for both of you to be honest with her now. It doesn’t get easy as your desires increase and your stress and unhappiness begin to mount. This is not easy but it is the absolute right thing to do as it allows you to begin the real transition to the gay life you desire.
     
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  9. Joolz66

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    Sage words, and once that train starts its gets faster and faster
     
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