1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Came out to therapist today

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by maybgayguy, Aug 11, 2020.

  1. maybgayguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2015
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    MN
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I had a second session with my therapist today and we went into depth about my sexuality. It felt really wonderful to come out to be honest.

    I have a wife and two kids whom I love dearly. In so many ways, my life is perfect. I don’t what I will say to my wife but I know I have to tell her. I am still struggling with with knowing the best path forward. I realize that I need to come out before I have the answers. I don’t know whether I can stay in a straight marriage, whether I can be married to a woman and still see men (open relationship), or whether I need to separate and date men exclusively. Of course, I realize that my wife may have her own answers too.

    I have been here before and told a therapist only to run back in the closet. It feels exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I am just worn down by this struggle.
     
  2. HM03

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2013
    Messages:
    1,973
    Likes Received:
    262
    Location:
    Pergatory
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Congrats!! Therapy is what helped me get the ball rolling for my coming out. I hope therapy is able to help guide you and give suggestions for what is best for you :slight_smile:
     
  3. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    958
    Likes Received:
    1,247
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You have made a very significant step towards your embracing your true self. Many like myself have found in the course of coming out that it was impossible emotionally and physically to stay in a straight relationship. Each person path is unique and only you can know what is right for you. With the assistance of therapist they can help you sort out your feelings and help determine what you decide is best for you. I can only rely my experience that once I came to terms with my homosexuality the only real path for me was to get out of my straight relationship as fast as I could. Only then did I start to feel whole and real.
     
    Lucky in Life likes this.
  4. maybgayguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2015
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    MN
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you!

    Thanks Contented. It is a really tough thing. Like many on here, I am married to a woman and have kids. That will make things difficult. That being said, the desire to be with another man sexually and romantically is overwhelming and it has been for some time.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,993
    Likes Received:
    1,310
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Congratulations! That’s big step. My therapist supported me with finding the best steps forward. Hopefully yours will help you with that aspect too.
     
  6. JessNC

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2020
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Greensboro, NC USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So glad you are able to share this experience with us. I have also been worn down by feeling torn between my het life and same sex desire. It is a struggle and it does wear one down. Be kind to yourself and remember that it is your path to walk as you go forward.
     
    SevnButton, maybgayguy and Bastion like this.
  7. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    41
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    So what are the best steps in your opinion if one wants to move forward?
     
  8. KeLeWi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2020
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    15
    Location:
    Albuquerque
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Congratulations! The path of your journey is, indeed, one with many challenges. Your therapist will be such an important resource as you figure out what routes to take. Your story is similar to mine. I was fortunate to have a family that was determined to support and love me through the transition to living a completely gay life. Although divorced, my ex and I remain the closest of friends. Whatever path you and your family take, I know that living your authentic self will be worth it. My best to you!
     
    maybgayguy likes this.
  9. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,993
    Likes Received:
    1,310
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I don’t think there one best way forward. My therapist helped me to identify the best steps for me.

    When I first met with my therapist, she was encouraging me to speak to my (then) partner about how I was feeling. I knew I couldn’t do this because I feared his reaction, so therapy stopped for about eight months. During in that time I became aware that he was emotionally abusive. I went back to my therapist and every week we established what my next steps would be. So, I didn’t actually tell him about my sexuality in the end. I didn’t even tell him I was planning on leaving. He went to work one day and I’d moved out before he’d got home. I was then dealing (from a distance) with the fallout for months.

    Other people are able to speak to their partners, but struggle to reach an understanding so end up taking action on their own. Others have constructive conversations and find a way forward together. There’s no one right way to approach this situation. Perhaps you could mindmap what you want your life to look like and write down the steps you need to take in order to achieve each goal.
     
    #9 LostInDaydreams, Aug 12, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2020
    Bastion likes this.
  10. maybgayguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2015
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    MN
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Wow. So sorry that you had to deal with an abusive partner. I can't imagine.

    This is my third therapist. My first told me never to tell my wife. Years later, I saw a second one (this time a gay man) and, again, was close to coming out but chickened out. Now I am on number 3. It is a bit embarrassing to be honest. I hate conflict. Part of what happened with the second therapist was it was actually quite a relief being out to him. It took a lot of pressure off. This feeling can be bring so much pressure and talking to him lifted that a bit. So I thought I could just go on in the closet. I was really wrong.
     
  11. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,137
    Likes Received:
    1,124
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey @maybgayguy

    Coming out to your therapist is a significant milestone. I know that it felt really good when I did that. Keeping that sort of a secret would jeopardize so much of what we get out of therapy. But, it takes trust to get there.

    With the help of your therapist, you can start to build a process for coming out. It is a process for many of us and there is so much to consider especially with a family. The important thing is to avoid stalling out again. I did that and every time I did it was harder the next time. That said, short breaks from the hand wringing and worrying are great tools to utilize. Many of us get into obsessing over details or we build up these narratives that may, or may not, have anything to do with what eventually transpires.

    It is really important, right now, to take a little bit of time for yourself everyday. I used biking for this. You may have other tools that help you relax.

    Best luck
     
    maybgayguy likes this.
  12. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    958
    Likes Received:
    1,247
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The key point I think everyone is try to relay is that now after making the big step in admitting your homosexuality to your therapist that you keep moving forward on your path to be the authentic gay person you are inside. This unfortunately is only one important step in many towards your goal and desires. As you can see each of our coming out stories are different with many different variables. One thing that is consistent that we all worked through the pain and discomfort in order to free ourselves to be who we really are. In my case I did finally tell my partner. She did not take it well and there wasn’t a great deal of debate regarding the next step. I know I caused her a great of pain and I understand her anger and frustration. That being said I had to be honest with her. I could no longer provide her with what she needed to be complete just as she no longer fulfilled my emotional and sexual needs. The parting of the ways was inevitable and acrimonious however once done I was a happy free man to explore my same sex attraction without the heavy baggage of a heterosexual relationship. I have never looked back frankly.
     
    #12 Contented, Aug 12, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2020
    maybgayguy likes this.
  13. JessNC

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2020
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Greensboro, NC USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think I know what you mean about feeling embarassed about being on your 3rd therapist. Still, be kind to yourself and trust yourself. No two paths are the same. And, frankly, if there was a contest for the most therapists seen by the folks on this site, I expect 3 wouldn't take home the prize. Hah.
     
    Nickw and maybgayguy like this.
  14. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    41
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    @maybgayguy

    The thing to keep in mind is that you are not alone in this. A lot of people in this section of the forums are finding themselves in similar situations. And a lot of us love our wives and family. And I think we married who we married because we wanted to and were attracted to them at the time. Maybe we still are in some ways that’s what makes it so difficult. The choice. Sooner or later we have to decide to either talk and work it out if possible or end things and move on. For now it’s good you are in therapy. That means you are trying to figure things out and move forward but take the the time you need. Take a breather and short breaks like @Nickw suggested to ease the stress and worry. I exercise and swim to relax my mind a bit. I find it helpful.
     
    SevnButton, Nickw and maybgayguy like this.
  15. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,140
    Likes Received:
    912
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi @maybgayguy - Yes, the path is yours. It's similar to the paths that many of us are on, but everyone is at least a little different. I hope you don't feel you need to rush. I think it's better to consistently move gently in the right direction -- but that's my path. :slight_smile: Good on you, man!
    =Sevn
     
    maybgayguy likes this.
  16. Vesta

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2015
    Messages:
    299
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wales, UK.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congratulations on coming out to your therapist!

    I can't comment much on what you've said about your wife and marriage, as I've never been in a heterosexual marriage. However, you mentioned that you've come out to a therapist before and run back into the closet. Was there any particular reason for this? Did your previous therapist put you off? Or are you currently in fear of how things will turn out between you and your wife?
     
  17. maybgayguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2015
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    MN
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi Vesta,

    Thanks for the note and the question. I think it was the fear of how things would turn out with my wife. Also, when I came out there was a sense of relief and so I felt a bit better. I mistook that feeling better with “well I am feeling better so I can just not worry about it and thus stay in the closet.” The problem is, telling one random person (a therapist) feels better for only so long.
     
  18. Vesta

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2015
    Messages:
    299
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wales, UK.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's very understandable. You could consider confiding in a really close friend if you know they're LGBT+ friendly. They may be able to shed some light on how to proceed, and it would solidify your coming out a little more so you're not compelled to go back into the closet. :slight_smile:
     
    maybgayguy likes this.
  19. Denial

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2018
    Messages:
    458
    Likes Received:
    24
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Great job coming out to your therapist! Your situation sounds like a difficult one to be in. I hope whatever happens you feel okay. Wishing you the best!
     
    maybgayguy likes this.
  20. LaraB

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    24
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Well done. I did it the other way round and told my husband and it took me 9 months from that to get a therapist.

    There’s no easy way to do it. Just be honest. It will be hard but then it’s done. She deserves a chance to have a genuine romantic relationship too, so it’s not selfish, it’s just how things are.

    I hope it goes well, keep posting.
     
    Bastion likes this.