Hello! I have recently come out to myself and accepted that I can no longer bargain my way out of being gay (e.g. by thinking that I'm straight/bi/asexual etc, or convincing myself that it's okay if I like other guys as long as I try to forget about my feelings as much as possible). I don't want to be gay and I still want to bargain, but I know that there's nothing I can do about it. As you can tell, I'm still struggling to fully accept my sexuality: describing myself as gay certainly makes me feel uncomfortable. The thought of going on a dating app or a date also unnerves me (I'm definitely not ready for that kind of thing, mind), as does the idea of, say, purchasing a book about homosexuality from a book store (on the basis that the store assistant will presume that I'm gay). I no longer exaggerate my masculinity in front of other people, but I'm still very self-concious about how I put myself across. Internalised homophobia and feelings of shame are obvious issues, and I also have problems when it comes to censoring and suppressing my thoughts about other men. Saying the words "I'm gay" out loud to anyone, including myself, is my biggest fear, and I'm concerned that I will never be able to do that (deep down, I've acknowledged that there's a strong chance that I'll always be a closet case). And, as much as I hate myself for it, I'm probably still at the stage where I'd prefer to die than come out to my family (I have no suicidal thoughts at this present time, though). Does anyone have any advice? Thanks for reading!
I can understand all the fears you're experiencing, and I think most of us who come to terms with our sexuality a little later than our teens (which is common now) struggle with the same feelings and fears you're experiencing. It's pretty common. So the best thing to do is exactly what you're doing: talk about it in a community where you're anonymous, and where you can feel safe discussing the fears. As we go through the process of accepting this loss of our identity as straight, there are stages we go through (which happen with any loss): denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. The stages can last minutes or sometimes years. They also aren't always linear. And it sounds like you're somewhere between bargaining ("OK, I'm gay but I'll stay closeted") and acceptance. Which... again, is pretty normal. I think if you were to ask the folks here about their coming out process, many will tell you they couldn't have imagined coming out. There's a lot of shame, fear of rejection, fear of loss associated with that. (Thank you, religious bigots and media.) And I can say that most everyone who has that fear later decides to face it, to come out in spite of it, and ends up much, much happier. If you want to consider getting a book, I highly recommend Joe Kort's marvelous "Ten Smart Things People Can Do to Find Real Love". It has almost nothing to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding and accepting yourself. (It is also not the same as his similarly-titled "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives", which is also good, but the former is better.) And in the meantime... stick around, read some posts, contribute to the conversation, and talk about your fears. That's the best way to work through them.
Chip is right in everything that he has said. Most of us have felt exactly the same way you do now. In my younger years when I was struggling I couldn't imagine coming out either and kept trying to tell myself I was straight even though my natural thoughts and actions said otherwise the whole time. Eventually though it got to the point where I was exhausted from putting up a facade and living a lie to myself and those around me. I had a similar dilemma before coming out in regard to going to a book store and purchasing a gay-related book. The thought of it made me very nervous because like you, I felt that it would stick the "gay" label on me by whoever seen me just looking in the gay section as well as the cashier who'd be seeing the book. But one day I built up the courage to do it and felt pretty accomplished afterward. Nobody paid any attention to me and could care less what I was looking at or buying. Spending time within the community, be it online or in person helps out a great deal since you realize there are many people out there who feel exactly the same way and have been through similar struggles/things. It can be a long and difficult road at times, but once you truly find self-acceptance it is very liberating. We are who we are and we will always be this way no matter how hard we try to change it or deny it. After realizing that and living truthfully for about 10 years now I couldn't be happier in life as a gay person. You just have to take it one day at a time.
Thanks, Chip; I'll keep a look out for those books! Yeah, I'm definitely at the "OK, I'm gay but I'll stay closeted" stage (it's comforting to know that reaching that stage at the age of 31 isn't uncommon, though), but I'll stick around and try to contribute as much as possible. Cheers too, Lance, for your words of assurance. Trying to build enough courage to, say, integrate with the LGBT+ community in person or purchase a gay-related book from a store seems like a reasonable objective for the time being. I'm pleased that you found happiness and self-acceptance!
I’m struggling with self acceptance too. I’m bisexual, I can write it, say it out loud to two people but still struggle with loads of negative thoughts. Does it get better? Sometimes I feel like my heart has accepted it more than my mind. Some moments of some days it doesn’t bother me, but today it does.
Well done for coming out to two people; that's really good news! But, yes, I totally get the issues with negative thoughts and poor self-acceptance (the bit about your heart accepting it more than your mind certainly rings true to me). My biggest problem is that I keep using the recurring thought of being a homoromantic asexual as a bargaining chip and coping mechanism (in a "it's OK if I like other guys, as long as I only want to cuddle them and appreciate their aesthetic beauty" sort of way). I'm admittedly a bit vanilla - given the choice, I probably would choose cuddles and kisses over sex - but it just complicates things and only succeeded into dragging me even further into the closet. Deep down, I know that I'm gay but, pretty much every day, I still get a voice in my head telling me that I'm a homoromantic asexual. There are plenty of people who are genuinely asexual, of course, but my thoughts are probably down to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity more than anything else (and I feel guilty about having them because I'm doing the asexual community a disservice). I'm certainly guilty of obsessing over labels too much.
Yeah, because you can get yourself off, but can't cuddle yourself. I wouldn't beat yourself up over appropriating other people's asexuality, although it shows you are a considerate person. Obsessing? Ha, join the club. It's hard to be a conscious being and not. I will say that if/when you develop feelings for someone, the abstract, uninteresting idea of sex becomes more concrete and interesting.
Congratulations on the progress you have made, finisterre. Coming out is not as linear a process as we might want it to be. Lance and Chip's advice is really good and I don't know what more I can add, except keep on keeping on. You are making progress, even if it may not seem like you are. You know, it's funny, but as someone who came out to himself in the last year of school I never really thought 'I'll stay closeted forever'. I think because then a more pressing fear was someone finding out and outing me/using it against me. So, I wanted to come out totally from the get-go (though, as I posted elsewhere, in practice I am not *fully* there yet). Be interested to know how common this experience is, but I suspect for many yours is the more common. ANYWAY ... I remember feeling afraid to check certain books out at the bookshop! It is not one that I share today, I can't remember exactly when that changed.* However, even though my parents know about my sexuality, I wouldn't openly discuss gay books I read around them. I also have an uncle staying with me at the moment who doesn't know. Rationally, he'd probably be fine, but my fear doesn't quite yet know that, lol. For me, though, bookshop assistants are not people my brain is afraid of (anymore, at least). But, this happens. Now for sex. I did not throw myself into sex either, and even briefly wondered if I was asexual, too! But I realised that shyness around sex is not asexuality. I have sex now (and enjoy it! ) but I was certainly scared of it for a while. As with most things that scare us, the thing that gets rid of it is exposure. That said, there's no pressure. I also don't think you are hurting the asexual community in any way. Many who turn out to be gay think they're bi, or ace, first, and many trans people think they're gay first, etc. This is a long ramble but I had a lot of thoughts on this (even if my *advice* is mostly, listen to everyone else!) *Fear dissipates the more time you spend around people who are not homophobic, and the more you are able to feel relaxed. Where you can, do your best to seek people like this out.
I'm 50 and I feel your pain finisterre. I however after about 18 years of discreet self exploration (whether it be with gay porn, chat rooms, discreet hookups) have decided to stop living in the shadows and pretending to be straight. Not just pretending...straight lying to myself. I've always lived an athletic masculine public life but I've now made it my mission to take my life into my own hands. I recently came out to two woman that I used to casually date. I trusted them. I told them that I wanted to talk about something and they were all ears. I simply said "I'm gay" and they were SO sweet about it that I scrolled through my contacts looking for more people to tell! I realized that I couldn't trust everyone so that's it for now. It was very liberating and a great first step. It felt so great to finally say those words.I recommend finding someone in YOUR life that you can tell. Good luck.
It's good to hear from you, FutureNow, and I'm really pleased that you are finding the coming out process so liberating. Thanks for your encouragement and kind words, and I wish you all the best! Thanks, beenthrdonetht; what you’ve written makes a lot of sense and has really helped. I do lack an intuitive feeling when it comes to relationships etc and, because I don’t have any experience of them, it’s probably easier to base my own feelings on conjecture. But, from what you’ve written, this doesn’t sound uncommon or anything to be concerned about, which is good. Thanks, Isaac! It’s reassuring to know that it’s not uncommon to start questioning my sexuality again after coming out to myself. I remember when I got my first proper office job, about a decade ago, and behaved in a manner that was slightly boorish. I was never loutish or vulgar, but I exaggerated my more masculine traits to such a ridiculous degree (I’m still embarrassed by this) and unconsciously downplayed traits that were more cultured/refined. I hadn’t even considered the possibility of being gay at that point, which demonstrates just how violently in denial I was about my sexuality. I eventually realised that I’m most comfortable being pretty much anything but an alpha male, though, and thus I try to present myself a bit more authentically these days. It doesn’t sound like much, I know, but that was a big step forward. And, yes, I need to surround myself with more people who aren’t homophobic. Like you, I lived in fear at school: I remember the irony of being heavily into football as a teenager, and repeatedly being called gay/queer (on the basis that I was bookish and introverted) and kicked in the nether regions/shins by those who absolutely hated the sport. I still resent the fact that they knew I was gay before I had even an inkling of it. My family don’t seem particularly at ease with homosexuality either: one sibling has a tendency to call gay people “creepy” and her husband comes from the Middle East (he’s a nice enough guy, mind), while my other brother-in-law’s homophobia has been noted by others (again, he’s otherwise a nice guy). I also remember my mum discouraging me from applying to universities in Brighton and Manchester: I inevitably studied in the city that allegedly has the highest female to male ratio, and later rented a flat with a friend who once told me: “I don’t know what I'd do if I ever met a gay person.” Heck, even when I was studying for my MA, there was a lot of casual homophobia being bandied about, which I remember finding really unnerving. A problem with getting exposure to sex is that I’m reluctant to cuddle/kiss etc or be in a relationship while closeted, mainly because it genuinely doesn’t seem fair on the other person (essentially, I want to protect him from potentially getting hurt or upset), and that’s probably a strong enough indication that I’m not emotionally ready for that kind of thing. I am fine with being single and don’t see it as a huge issue, although the sheer amount of pressure that I put on myself to handle this whole process in the most dignified way imaginable just ends up manifesting into a misguided sense of nobility and chronic need to overcompensate. However, I have no intention of rushing into anything and, as Lance mentioned, taking it each day at a time seems like the most sensible approach. I’m currently compiling a short reading list of gay-related books (recommendations are always welcome!) and hoping to visit a certain Waterstones section in the near future, so I’m trying to regard the coming out process as a work in progress. I’m just trying to be as open-minded and pragmatic as possible, really. (I’m sorry for rambling on, btw!)
There are so many amazing books out there to help you navigate coming out, but I would highly suggest reading some Young Adult gay literature. Sounds silly, but it can be such a healing process. It will let you see your coming out differently, maybe see yourself in books like never before, etc. Some of the writing won't be super sophisticated, but take it for what it is and enjoy it.
Thanks! This is an area that I have overlooked, but I'll definitely make sure to read at least one YA title. I think that looking at things from a different perspective will really help, so your suggestion comes much appreciated.
