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Came out to my wife, she left

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CodeGuy, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. Jeff

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    Yes Code, you are young, smart and brave. I would agree that 5 years is a long relationship, and the pain and loneliness is a real thing.

    I feel for you and would gladly go to lunch with you if we were in the same city, just to get you out of the house. I hope you can meet up with a friend who knows what you are going through just to not be alone for a bit.
     
  2. bingostring

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    You are brave, and well done...

    She needed 'space' and took it. So don't judge her too harshly for wanting to leave.

    You have anyone you can talk to ..?

    In time you will look back on this as a pivotal and positive phase in your life and you'll be proud of yourself... as are we !!!
     
  3. CodeGuy

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    It's been nearly 24 hours. I still don't have any appetite, and I'm still very sad. I don't know why I imagined this was going to be easier. I thought she would still be here and I would just sleep on the couch for a few days with her giving me the silent treatment, and we'd eventually talk about everything.

    But she had every right to leave.
     
  4. Jeff

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    She just might be back, she might buy another one-way ticket back for a while. It is rather unknown at the moment.

    I think the unknown makes it that much harder.
     
  5. CodeGuy

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    I think you're right, Jeff. If she said she would be back in a week (or a month even, whatever), I probably wouldn't be stressing quite as much.
     
  6. skiff

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    If you own a home she has to come back. Financial bungee cords?
     
  7. CodeGuy

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    Feeling really confused right now. Researching into mixed orientation marriages. Some say it can work. Not sure if she's even open to the idea.
     
  8. skiff

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    Hi,

    Are you truly open to the idea or passing through a stage of grief? Are you negotiating with your grief in an attempt to mitigate it?

    ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2013 at 12:50 PM ----------

    Let this settle in before you start looking for answers.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2013 at 12:52 PM ----------

    Get your butt busy. How bout a good hike to wear yourself out and get some good sleep?
     
  9. Italy or Bust

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    I know just what you mean about treating her crappy and distantly. She deserves the truth, and now she has it. It is not her fault, and not yours either. It is what it is, and pretending fixes nothing. Keeping quiet prolongs it and puts off the inevitable. My wife has reacted similarly, by accelerating the move out (mine). She is sometimes kind, sometimes cruel, sometimes upbeat, sometimes in the dumps. She and your wife are entitled to their feelings. They are dealing with a gutshot, and they are working through it best they can. You and I must also do the same. Plan ahead, be sad, be hopeful when able, and build for your future. Peace and love, my friend.
     
  10. Love2read

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    Google grieving.
    It can happen to you when relationships end as well.
    I'm not a doctor, but your symptoms sound the same as mine right now and this is what I have been told that I am going through. It's most likely your wife may be as well.
    Mine started last Saturday, and it is getting better little by little. Although relapse like moments keep popping up then and now.
    The feeling in your gut like you've been kicked starts to dissipate.
    Hang in there. :slight_smile:
     
    #30 Love2read, Mar 23, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2013
  11. RainbowMan

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    Just read this entire thread (my EC time has been limited the last several days!) and figured that I'd offer a few comments. Such a mix of emotions going through my head right now.

    First, congrats on doing what had to be done - as you've correctly indicated, it would have hurt more if you had waited longer, and you realize that. Not many people would be as strong and courageous as you.

    The reaction of your wife is shocking to me, while at the same time understandable. She's got a lot to process, and it's going to take her some time to do it.

    I'll second (third? fourth? :grin:) the advice that you get involved in LGBT events in the area. In NYC, Meetup is a completely awesome way for non-scene things to happen - i.e. photography meetups, board game meetups, etc. This will help in expanding your social circle at least. I'm quite the regular at the LGBT board games meetup, and didn't even think I *liked* board games prior to my first meetup. It's really something I enjoy, so who knows, you might even find a new hobby out of it :slight_smile:

    Your username is also interesting - can I assume that you work in technology? Fellow tech geek here :grin:
     
  12. Gaysibling

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    Congratulations... it cannot have been easy to take this huge step. Whatever else happens with you and with your wife you are both now free to face the future... that can be both scary and exhilarating.. but at least, together or apart, you will be free to be who you are. ..and she will be free to decide what, if any, part she wants to play in your life. I wish you strength to see yourself through the change ahead.
     
  13. Jeff

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    I have also researched in depth into that subject. From her reaction as you wrote it, I get the sense she is not open to that.

    I think that you need to really focus on the few good things here. Because you have just gone through something very hard. Your wife's reaction was very very painful to you. Us here, we could even feel that pain. I know I felt like I was in your home, and could see this go down. It was like I watched it in a movie.

    Ultimately would you want an open marriage? Maybe for a while, but not as a perm thing, I would if I were you get into the idea of a split, and how to handle that. Then if she decides that you both should take this slow, and see where and how you can work together to lessen the pain, consider those options, and feel some relief there, and go with it.

    But since you have kicked down the closet door, and gone through a day or more of hell, you should try and move on from the current hurt and thinking.

    She has caused you to mentally go into these areas of possibilities because she split without much talk. That is too bad, because it speaks of imo not a good ending for both of you being together. I don't know her or you, but it seems not good here for open anything.
     
  14. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi CodeGuy

    As I said in my earlier post I am thinking of you both at difficult time and your predicament was forefront in my mind when I came out to my wife a few days after you. Even knowing that what happened to you may have happened to me I still went ahead and told my wife because I felt it was the right thing to do and would be the best thing ultimately.

    We have agreed to try the Mixed Orientation Marriage route. We accept that it won’t be easy and may ultimately fail but we are going to give it our best shot. As we learn more of this I will keep you updated on our progress, what works and what doesn’t.

    Thinking of you Sale Gay Guy
     
  15. Homosexual

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    wow some story. you're a brave man. I'm not sure if I'll ever admit to my wife.
     
  16. Chloe

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    I can't think of any advice to add, so I'll just let you know there's at least one more person who cares about you and admires what you've been able to do. Best wishes on working through this difficult time.
     
  17. TrangNhi2154

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    Wow. It must be very difficult, but you did a great job. I'm glad that you did confessed your wife, so you guys can find your true love. Both of you deserve to have a true love. I know that you're overwhelm, and I can tell you a thing. Everything about life is always uncertain, but the things will get better give it time it ain't easy. I hope you have a best luck, your "wife", too