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Came out to my wife, she left

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CodeGuy, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. CodeGuy

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    It had been on the tip of my tongue for the past several days. Once I realized I was gay, I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. She deserved to know the truth. At least if I was in her position I would want to know the truth.

    In the shower this morning I was pretty much crying about the whole situation, for the umpteenth time. Then I took my time shaving, with watery eyes. The moment felt as right as it would ever get. Wife's last Friday of her vacation, so I thought we could take as much time as we might need to talk things through.

    I called off work, and I went and bought breakfast from our favorite place, and I left it on the dining table. Got our two dogs out of the bedroom and took them outside again. She was awake when I came back in. She immediately asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to tell her just yet -- I was hoping to eat breakfast together first.

    I started bawling and blubbered out that I was going to tell her what's wrong now. I'm pretty sure she knew something was up, because I've been more distant than usual. I sobbed on her shoulder for a few minutes and somehow managed to look her in the face and tell her, "I'm gay."

    I cried so hard. I was blubbering about how perfect she's been the whole relationship and how she didn't deserve to be treated the way I've treated her (I've been cold and distant to her for far too long).

    Finally she spoke. She asked me how I knew, and I had to pause for a moment and gather my words. I told her that because I grew up in such homophobic environments, even the idea of looking at a man was simply not an option; and as we got out of those toxic environments, and I realized that it's okay to look at men, I realized that's what I want. I told her that I haven't cheated on her and I don't intend to.

    I cried some more.

    I told her that she did everything right in our relationship, and this was in no way her fault. "I know," she stoically replied.

    After a while of silence, she asked me what my plan was. I started to tell her that we have a few options: first, we could go to counseling -- and she cut me off there, saying that there was no point because this was "unfixable." That stung a bit, but I let it go.

    The rest of the conversation is a bit blurry in spite of having happened in the past three hours. So the rest of the post probably isn't quite in the order it happened.

    She got out the laptop, then got her credit card out of her purse. I figured she was buying an airplane ticket, but I wasn't sure if it was to her best friend's place or to her parents. After some more silence, she told me to promise her "not to do anything stupid" while she was gone. With complete confidence, I told her I wouldn't. I'm going to be fine, and the dogs will be fine, I said. I asked her when she was coming back, and she said that she just bought a one-way ticket. Ouch.

    I told her that I want to make sure that she's as well taken care of as possible. She was quick to reply that that wasn't important.

    She asked what I'm going to tell my parents. I don't plan on telling them anytime soon. I already have a poor relationship with them, and I think I would prefer a poor relationship where we speak just a couple times a year, rather than no relationship.

    She asked me what I wanted her to tell her family (also with a history of homophobia). I told her that this is her life too, and she can tell them the truth. She said she didn't want them to hate me, and that it wouldn't be fair to me. I suggested she just tell them she isn't ready to talk about it yet.

    I told her it's okay if she hates me now, but I don't hate her. She said she didn't hate me either, but her whole life is fucked up now. She sacrificed too much to be with me, and she doesn't have anything out here in San Francisco, she said. We've been out here for about 18 months, and we haven't made any friends outside of work. That's just kind of how things are when you're in your late twenties nowadays I think.

    Somewhere in there I told her that I hope we can still be a part of each others' lives, but I would completely understand if she didn't want that.

    She asked how soon we should make it happen -- presumably referring to divorce, a word that neither of us spoke today. I told her to take her time back with her family, think about things, and just let her head clear for a bit, and then we can take it from there.

    She packed her suitcase, and she kissed our dogs goodbye. She started to cry more, then. I told her that I don't think she should stay in the midwest, but if she does choose to, we'll make sure the dogs get out there with her. We hugged each other and cried some more.

    As she walked out the door with her suitcase, she told me again not to do anything stupid, and again I confidently promised that I wouldn't.

    The last thing I said to her was that she was a strong woman and that she was going to come out on top of this. She replied with a "we'll see" or something similar.
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Congratulations. Even though it's hard right now, this is really for the best.

    It's clear that you care about each other. In the end, I think you will still be friends.

    Have you considered getting involved in some kind of social activity? You mentioned that you haven't made any friends in San Francisco. Of course people don't make friends outside of work if they don't do anything outside of work. I think it would be a good idea for you to get involved in an activity for gay people, so that you can make some new friends. What sort of things are you interested in?
     
  3. CodeGuy

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    Thanks Ianthe! It does hurt a lot, but I think the longer I put it off, the more it would hurt. I'm sure the next several months are going to be crazy, but she and I are both young enough that I think we will bounce back in a reasonable time frame.

    I think part of the reason we didn't make friends out here yet is that we both felt some obligation to be home together in evenings. Or when I would hang out with people after work, she'd text me asking when I would be home, etc.

    For the immediate future, I'm going to just spend some time alone. I need to find some more inner peace for a bit. I'll be ready soon to go out and be active. I am in San Francisco after all, so I don't think I'll have much trouble finding any gay-friendly groups :slight_smile:
     
  4. skiff

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    Oh man, what mixed emotions you must have! Your courage is inspiring.

    Nobody could have predicted her response. Pragmatic, decisive, short sightedness. If it is out of character for her she may be back for a softer landing.

    We are all here for you.
     
    #4 skiff, Mar 22, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2013
  5. CodeGuy

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    Thanks for the kind words, skiff. You may call me courageous but I'm not sure this is something I could have done without the support of EC.
     
  6. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi Codeguy,

    My thoughts are with you both at this dificult time but I'm sure it's for the best, I hope it all works out OK.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  7. Italy or Bust

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    Oh my goodness, I feel your pain. I'm in a similar, but not exactly the same, place. Moving into a spare room until end of April, then I'm out of the house and into an apartment. My wife is hot and cold. Sometimes supportive, sometimes nasty. It is her choice to react her way.

    You did the right thing. You'll see.
     
  8. skiff

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    Hey CodeGuy,

    You want us to keep this line open tonight?

    I bet a number of us would gladly be with you here if there is nobody for you.

    We are all brothers in this.
     
  9. Jeff

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    Is she quitting her job with no advance notice? While I think you did not wait one min. to long to break the news, and it is great and respectable that you did it. These kinds of sudden reactions are what is frightening.

    But I guess you can't expect someone to just say, oh gee, ok, we'll get through this. A woman who finds out that he man is into men, cannot hope to compete with that. So I can imagine the hurt being almost like finding you in bed with another person.
     
  10. PeteNJ

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    Ok -- well, you did the hardest thing -- you told the truth about yourself. No pussy footing around, no long drawn out discussions.

    Now you own this, she owns how she feels.

    I know its hard, having been through it. Take a deep breath, then start putting one foot in front of the other to build the rest of your life.

    HUGS

    Pete
     
  11. greatwhale

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    in solidarity with my brothers above, we are with you tonight Codeguy!
     
  12. nikom87

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    I echo what everyone said above. Coming out to a spouse is scary. Stay strong and know that you did the right thing. (*hug*)
     
  13. Chip

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    Wow. Congrats on making a very tough decision. It was absolutely the right and ethical thing to do, and the only way to handle it.

    I have a suspicion (maybe you've already addressed this) that your wife already suspected. I think her response was probably a healthy one, to get away and give herself time to think and regroup. I'm sure you already know about the five stages of loss, and it sounds like she's doing OK so far in processing them.

    And as you realize, you'll probably have a bit of a rough ride with her as she processes her anger... but it also sounds like she's trying to be a decent person about things, and that's good.

    The only thing I'd suggest is being cautious about how you enter the gay scene in SF. I know an *awful* lot of people who come from elsewhere to SF and get caught up in the club/bar scene, get sucked into drug issues (which are epidemic in the club scene in SF), and various other things... the temptation might be to plunge in, but just be cautious, because it can really be vicious there for "fresh meat." Personally, I'd avoid that scene altogether.

    There are, however, lots of great resources in SF to meet gay men that don't involve that sort of crowd. Meetup.com might be a good place to look... there are hiking groups, climbing, running, all sorts of sporting groups for gay men, along with dinner groups, board game nights... all sorts of stuff where you can connect with people in a lower key environment than the typical Castro crowd.

    And I'm sure you have all sorts of mixed feelings as well. Let those emotions be there and give yourself permission to feel them fully... they've been locked up for a long time. I think you'll feel a sense of relief pretty soon :slight_smile:
     
  14. CodeGuy

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    So I decided to go in to work for the last few hours of the day. Came home, took the dogs out for walks. I'm feeling pretty down right now. She was my best friend, and I'm really going to miss her. I feel like I'm still in shock over the whole thing. Right now I feel like I should have kept my mouth shut... but if I had, I would be feeling angry and trapped, and I'd be treating her poorly. She was always so happy to see me in spite of how distant I always acted. It's still probably best in the long run that we split (she deserves to be treated so much better), but I feel like the immediate future holds a lot of pain and tears.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2013 at 07:29 PM ----------

    Thanks for the advice. Right now, it feels like it's going to be a long, long time before I get into the gay scene at all. Clubs and bars have never really been my thing, but I will be extra cautious if I find myself there.
     
  15. greatwhale

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    I am going through the pain and the tears right now, the divorce, moving out, the whole damn thing, but I know that what we are going through is like the first day of Spring in Montreal: the snow is still on the ground but the days are slowly getting brighter, the days are slightly warmer and new beginnings are all around us.

    Be strong and know that you are not alone!
     
  16. skiff

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    You have any friends around you?
     
  17. CodeGuy

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    Nope, just me and the dogs tonight. :icon_sad: I was going to go on EC chat but I'm not a full member. :confused:
     
  18. skiff

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    I have meant to try chat... It does not work on my iPhone.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2013 at 06:57 PM ----------

    This is a tough time to be alone. Get into a social activity as Chip suggested.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2013 at 06:59 PM ----------

    There is an upside. You are young and there are no kids. It is hard enough without age and kids.
     
  19. Love2read

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    Possibly look into talking to a therapist to help you work through some of the emotional issues that may come up. I know some people don't care for therapy but with the right therapist it gives you someone to talk through any emotional or guilt issues you may be feeling because of this. Especially if you don't have people that you don't feel comfortable discussing this with.
     
  20. Cool Bananas

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    Thank you for telling us your story, it might help a few others in the future. I guess right now you are feeling very low but eventually these feelings will pass and in the long run you will feel better for it.