1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Came out to my wife last night

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ryan89, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. Ryan89

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    NH
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Edit: Not sure if this belonged in coming out advice or stories...
    My wife and I have been together for four years, married for two. I had come out as bi years before i met her, and I told her upfront about that. She didnt have a problem with it.
    Long story short, I finally came to terms with what I am only a few days ago. My wife and I had a lot of problems over the years, but we always overcame everything, and it made us extremely loving and close. When I told her I am gay, she screamed at me. How could I do this to her? How could I not have known I was gay? Then it turned into her examining every detail of our relationship, asking me questions about it. Did I lie every time i told her she was pretty? Was I ever attracted to her? How could I have sex with her if Im not sexually attracted to her?
    All while crying and screaming, and throwing things at me. A teddy bear I gave her when we were dating. It being so close to Valentine's day, she threw the gifts she had already bought at me. Of course, she had worked hard to get me the sweetest gift I would have ever gotten...a book of love coupons, custom made with cartoon pictures of us, and full of cute stuff from our relationship. I was already falling apart by that point, but seeing that, and hearing her read each of them out loud, killed me. I know I will remember those coupons, and the devastating guilt they caused, for the rest of my life.
    I ended up with a packed suitcase, at my mom's house, after my wife told me she still wants to stay married to me. She wants me to stay married to her, and either be celibate, or find a way to enjoy sex with her.
    I told her I needed time to think and figure out what I wanted to do. I was less than 20 mins into my 3 hour drive to my mom's when I knew it could never work, although I still cant fully admit it to myself.
    Im fresh off an hour long phone call, where I told her the truth...that I dont see any way that I can make her happy, without making myself unhappy. She said "I dont make you happy?" She doesnt understand, and I have tried as hard as I can to explain everything to her. She spent the entire call saying the worst things she could ever say to me. I dont mean insults, I can deal with that, she just kept verbally whipping me for ruining her life and being selfish. That hurts so much because its exactly what Ive been saying to beat myself up over this, and Ive been beating myself up almost non-stop. Its really hard to convince myself that Im doing the right thing, when Im hurting her so badly, and we both think the same horrible things about me. Its making me really hate the fact that Im gay. I dont want to be like this. I thought i was bi all this time, but I was really just contributing to the stereotype of the gay man who just hasnt realized it yet. (Sorry, those of you who are actually bi). Coming out sucks, but having to do it twice in my life, and the second time Im destroying a marriage and the life that was built along with it.
    Any advice anyone has...Im all ears. My mom and stepfather are the only other people who know Im gay, and they could not possibly be any more supportive and kind. However, I feel like I need to interact with other people who have been through this. I need to feel like Im not the biggest POS in the world, and that being gay will eventually not be such a hellish nightmare.
     
    #1 Ryan89, Feb 13, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
    BiBarefeet and Toromova like this.
  2. Pole star

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2017
    Messages:
    289
    Likes Received:
    146
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am sorry to hear what you are feeling. Please stay strong and don't beat yourself about it. This will pass and you will feel better although it may not seem so at the moment. It sounds cliched but take one day at a time.
    Do not blame yourself. You have been honest and this will help in the long run. It is better than continuing to live a lie. Even your wife will appreciate that but she will need time to process all this. So give her time.
    I haven't been in your situation but I am sure there will be others on EC who will give you their wisdom.
    Please keep in touch with us here on EC. Venting your feelings here really works and we will be glad to help.
    Sending you ''hugs''.
     
    #2 Pole star, Feb 14, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2018
  3. Ryan89

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    NH
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you. I feel a bit better than I did last night, but still really bad. Venting and the support Ive been getting so far are helping.

    Ive talked to my wife since I made my OP, and she is calmer. I knew that she would be more understanding when everything settled a bit. She has gay friends, so she knows I cant help it. She just cant understand how I can love her, how i can say she makes me happy, and feel like I need to be with a man instead of her. Trying to explain it feels like Im explaining color to a blind person...I just dont have the words to explain it.

    If Im not careful, this will quickly turn into a 3,000 word rant, so I'll end it here...
     
  4. wickedwitch

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2016
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    74
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I have not had any experience with this, but when I was researching something I was writing I came across the book "Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi?" by Joe Kort. Perhaps it might be helpful to your wife? Hope so.

    Sending hugs.
     
    Ryan89 and spartafc like this.
  5. spartafc

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2018
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    a blue island in red tx, usa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hugs, Ryan. I know that this is hard. And I hear you about not wanting to be the stereotypical guy who was bi until he realized he was actually gay. (I know that all too well -- I was that bisexual guy for 20+ years!). You were not lying to her. You weren't even lying to yourself. Denial is a very, very powerful thing. It's there to keep us functioning so we don't have to deal with something that is otherwise too painful.

    I second wickedwitch's recommendation of Joe Kort's book above. I've read a number of blog posts by him -- he definitely knows what's up, and frankly, it might even be useful for you to read as well as your wife.
     
  6. Ryan89

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    NH
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    thank you both. I'll look into that book, if you think it will help.
     
  7. Toromova

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2018
    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Virginia USA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Ryan, sorry to hear this. It also scares me a bit because I’m that stereotypical bi guy who has realized he is gay. I too need to come out to my wife and the worry I have is about the pain I will cause her. And like you again, even if my wife wants to stay together, I don’t think I will be able to. I’ve thought the most terrible things about myself (selfish, hurtful, thoughtless, cruel) I could keep going on & on but it sounds like you know.

    You showed a lot of courage doing this though. How did you dig down and find that courage? Can that be the same courage that allows you to go on?

    I love my wife as I am certain you love yours, it’s why what you did and what I have to do hurts us so badly too. I don’t know how I will ever be as brave as you were. Good luck.
     
  8. Ryan89

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    NH
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    My love for my wife is ultimately what pushed me to do it.
    Once I knew Im gay, it tainted every single aspect of our relationship. I couldnt even give her a kiss without feeling like a liar. There are a LOT of cute things we always did and said to each other (every night, I would tuck her in and give her butterfly kisses on her nose, for example), and doing those things when I knew I had a secret that would hurt her...I couldnt bring myself to keep that up for more than a single night, and I almost couldnt even do that.
    I agonized over the decision, but you have to be honest. If you love your wife, and it sounds like you do, you need to treat her the way youd want her to treat you if your positions were reversed. Anything less is doing her, and yourself, a disservice, and the longer you wait, the harder its going to be when you finally do it...because Id bet money you will be asked "how long have you known?".

    The guilt is the worst part of all of it. Remind yourself that you are doing the right thing (though that wont be much comfort). It will be a living hell in the short term, but once its over, you will both be able to pursue happiness in a way that you cant together.
    You cant make her happy, if you arent happy. Hiding it shouldnt even be an option, because sooner or later, the truth will out.

    I cant predict what will happen when you do come out, but try to give her what she needs. Let her know that you being gay doesnt mean you dont care about her. Let her know that youre there for her, and youre not just gonna abandon her. Maybe she will be angry, and need to scream insults at you for a while. Sometimes, grieving people need to be angry, but it usually passes. Somehow, Ive managed to get my wife to the point where we're talking about our situation for what it really is...a painful situation that neither of us can help, and we just have to grieve over losing what we had. We talked about how terrible we're both doing, and it was almost like we bonded over the pain we were sharing.

    This answer quickly turned into a rant, but I think theres some good information and advice in there. I hope it helps you.
     
    Toromova likes this.
  9. Toromova

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2018
    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Virginia USA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Don’t worry about sounding like a rant, all of my posts tend to do that because it’s a complicated situation. What you’re saying makes so much sense and yet (I’m sure you felt this too) it almost seems like doing the right thing by defying logic. What you said in your original post about having ups and downs, it sounds so much like my marriage. I wonder now that I’ve solidified my orientation over the years how many of those problems stemmed from me holding this secret. My wife has known for years that I’m bi, she used to be cool with it, I think that the threat of this coming moment has scared her into not being as cool about it.

    It’s Valentines night, I don’t know what expectations she has still for the night. I don’t want this to be the night she remembers for years to come for that reason.

    Like I said before, I need to courage you had to bravely face this. When I have worked that up I will do it. Hopefully it’s soon.