1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Came out to my parents, but I don't think they get it.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by CyberStar, Feb 1, 2015.

  1. CyberStar

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2014
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Death Star
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    So I came out to.my parents as transgender last weekend. At the time, they were really understanding, and theyactually had a real conversation with me about it. I felt great. But since then, mydelression has come back and im starting to wonder if anything really changed. They seem to only want me to express my gender identity in private (in which case whats the point) while ignoring the fact that my expression is too subtle for most people to notice; and they act like I am entirely male. Still, they keep telling me that over seventeen years they saw no sign of this ( there were a few but I mostly didnt figure anything out or act on it until I was a teenager, and then I was too secretive around my parents to tell them, plus I thought something was wrong with me...) And they don't want me to come out to anyone else.

    When I came out I told them I had picd Ashley for a name. I am still referred to as 'he' and 'Dakota' - even in private.

    And still, the depression weighs me down, day after day, though my parents act like its supposed to magically disappear or something...

    I just don't think they get it.
     
  2. BradThePug

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    6,432
    Likes Received:
    236
    Location:
    Northeast Ohio
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You might want to try to have a conversation with them about this. When I told my parents, it took them a while to understand what they had to do to help me out best. When I told my parents how their actions made me feel, they began to try harder with using the right name and pronouns. It takes parents some time to adjust and accept that their child is transgender, so I would not lose hope yet.

    On a total sidenote, your chosen name is my birth name...lol.
     
  3. Lazuri

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2015
    Messages:
    2,710
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Stockholm, Sweden
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Brad is right.

    It's easy to forget that while you've had time to consider this, they have not. They do not have insight into this problem, they have not done the research you have done, they do not understand. It is up to you to make them understand.

    But you did a good job coming out to them in the first place and I'm proud of you. Now just hang in there, Ash.
     
  4. WillowRose

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2014
    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kentuckiana
    This is hard for them, and it will take them a while to wrap their minds around it all. You can also try making the distinction between "still adjusting to the idea" and "being deliberate asshats." From what you've said, it's more the former than the latter in your case.

    But either way the "one year rule" probably applies: at some point soon, let them know that they've got a year (counting from when you tell them this) to work through their lack of understanding. Kind of like Brad suggests, speak to them in terms of, "When you say X, I feel Y," and (unless they appear to be deliberately not trying to learn and understand), provide them with some basic Trans101 material. Also, if you can locate one, the contact information of a friends-and-family support group (in the US that would be something like PFLAG; don't know the Swedish equivalent.).

    Mostly, though, congratulations and hurrah for doing the hard work of having that first, difficult conversation. That's huge, and yay for you!
     
  5. jay777

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2014
    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    #5 jay777, Feb 2, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2015
  6. Andrew99

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    3,149
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Arizona
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
  7. CyberStar

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2014
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Death Star
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Well. Since I last was on here, things went well for a bit, then went sideways. My mom let me go see a movie, and my parents were pretty chill about the whole thing.

    But. My parents freak out when I want to wear my eye makeup (somebody will see! The fact that you went around wearing eyeliner and mascara for a whole day at school and nobody noticed, and I had to point it out before they noticed, notwithstanding). But what I'm worried about at the moment is that my parents found my stash of clothes: an XXL t-shirt (DIY dress - except it was one size too small), some leggings, and some ankle leggings. (There was also a camisole, but I was wearing it at the time so they didn't find it.) So, my parents flipped and started ranting about the "deal" that we made where they let me go on the computer if I do my schoolwork and be "open and honest". It was a slanted deal at the outset, and I have since discovered it was even more heavily slanted in their favor than I thought, but I was happy to take it because it was progress - it showed they actually were trying to trust me, sort of. But then they found this, and griped at me about "breaking my end of the deal", and my "hateful [coming out] letter", ect. In response, I said something about how I understand rude but not hateful. (They forced me out. And I have some form of depression, and was angry and scared when I wrote it... so of course it's not going to be the most polite thing in the world.I mean, come on - I almost had a frickin' panic attack at my job before I came home.)
    And so my mom doesn't want to talk to me. And they also said they made me an appointment for depression, but won't tell me when; and also they avoid the subject as much as possible. What they expect me to do, basically, is hide my gender identity from EVERYONE. My god, I did that for SO LONG... Nobody even had so much as a clue. I hid this even from myself... And I can't do it anymore. My depression is grinding me down to nothing, and if I keep denying myself to myself and letting other people control me and coerce me into not being me, I will lose it. I don't know what will happen, but it won't be pretty if it does.
    My life is so screwed up...

    Resources: I wanted to get them some, but that would mean that I would have to do something in school that isn't schoolwork, which would get me in trouble. So if I get them some, they gotta be good. Any suggestions?

    As for the behavior of my parents, there is a long back history. Our current situation cut us all into the shape of [insert worst expletive you know here]. I was rather reckless and headstrong as a child, and I did stupid stuff. I let peer pressure get to my head. And so I lost my parents trust. (If I had a time machine, I would either go back and fix it, or, if that turned out to be horrible, I would shoot myself. Ever since then, my life has turned to !&@%.) The problem is, they went on School Board mode - they dropped the banhammer for every minor single offence, and I had everything taken away. And got really angry. Probably worsened and/or caused my depression, but that's another story. And now they still constantly use the banhammer. They aren't doing it intentionally, but they are being total [expletive of choice goes here].

    Is there a way to be extremely blunt without cracking and letting my emotions take control? Because when I let my pain show, I say stuff that my parents don't approve of and they end communication and just yell at me. I need to be blunt and direct but not rude in the slightest, or they won't listen.

    Sorry about the rambling post.

    Brad - Really? LOL... this crazy life we lead :slight_smile:
     
  8. jay777

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2014
    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I can only say what I would do.
    Its your choice what you do, since you know the people involved best.

    How to Practice Nonviolent Communication: 4 Steps (with Pictures)
    This is a communications strategy which states needs and facts, without getting agressive or reproachful.
    Its basically ok to state ones needs and emotions.
    This is like the basis of a negotiation.
    Needs of them could also be stated. Like gettings this on a road where things become nicer for all involved.
    It might take a bit of practice, or mental training, to keep to facts and not lash out agressively.
    But it might help, since clear facts cannot be easily disregarded, and people have legitimate needs.
    This might make it possible for them to state some of their fears, so that you could talk about it.


    I would kind of come clean and explain.
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony...expression/166973-when-things-go-wrong.html#3
    There is a brochure from the british national healt service included, which is a source to be regarded and could be shown.

    I'd say its biological, its likely not going away.
    It gives you disphoria, and since you have depression, you could ask for a gender therapist to get this all sorted out and help you through it. (Or you could look for a therapist who also has gender on their list, or ask your therapist for a referral. Some therapists might be covered if connected with depression.)
    And you could make it clear that this would get you all on a more stable basis and is not some immature stuff but a real ailment of yours that needs some tending to.

    Some things you might do over time:
    You might do something nice, get some flowers for your mother from time to time (without expectation), to show you're a different person.
    You might ask if you can do something in the household.
    You could show you are someone who can be responsible and reliable. This might take time, but you could show some of these from time to time to reassure them.

    Just take the time you need... you will reach your goals in time...


    If you feel you need some help, reach out, or talk to a trans helpline.
    Transgender Hotline

    hugs
     
  9. Michael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2014
    Messages:
    2,563
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    AS long as you depend on them (financially), you need to get along with them, which means that you need to win their trust back... Or at least to give you the benefit of the doubt.

    Nice...

    ... Not nice. I've been there, my problem was the lenght of my hair. I had the nerve to shave it, and for a while they refused to be seen in public with me unless I was wearing a hat or something (and we are not precisely talking fedoras here).
    The way they are dealing with it is just pathetic. They are acting as if they found drugs on your room, as if you had a nasty habit you need to get rid of.
    You've got zero privacy and less than zero understanding, this might be related to the fact that they don't trust you, but it doesn't mean it's ok to do it.
    I'd get out of that place, see if I can get a job and move out. The problem is that you might need to put your school on hold, and this can have negative consequences for your own future.

    Is there any chance for you to spend some time (weeks, months) with other relatives? Distance might help you both.

    Look, this is about your own good, and they were not good at keeping their part of that deal, so why should you? Try to get an (adult) ally : A gender therapist, a teacher or a counselor who is LGBT friendly. Don't do this on your own. (*hug*)
     
  10. CyberStar

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2014
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Death Star
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    I also think it would be good to get away for a while, but there's nowhere I can go. My nearest relatives are a thousand miles away.

    As for the way they are dealing with it: read the letter attached to this post. Keep in mind that I wrote this with depression, while angry and scared (I almost had a panic attack that night before I went home). Their reaction? "That was a hateful and nasty letter" ect. ect. ect. Really? I deliberately went back to edit it and toned it down so it would be merely rude, rather than mean, but apparently they can't see that... But it's neither here nor there I suppose.

    What I'm currently worried about, though, is me. I think I finally lost it. There are times when I look in the mirror and genuinely don't recognize myself for a few minutes (and it's not gender dysphoria - I recognize myself as my twin brother. This is different). Sometimes, after a lot of stress, my mind just snaps. I have thought some pretty crazy things. But the really bad thing is that I think I'm right on the edge of being suicidal. I keep having these thoughts. I wanted to slash myself with a box cutter at my job the other day. I brushed it off as ridiculous, but that's just one example. It keeps happening. The other day, I missed the bus. I kept wanting to throw myself out in front of a car on the three-mile walk home. When I'm rational, I wonder what the hell I was thinking. But these days, I'm not all that rational anymore. I spend most of my time running solely off my emotions. This worries me. I'm not me anymore; I'm not Ashley. I'm someone else. And I don't know what to do.
     
  11. Michael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2014
    Messages:
    2,563
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    These thoughts are a sign that you are blottling up pressure. The one about the box cutter might have seemed very tempting. I think it's the instinct to get rid of poison. But it doesn't matter you call it pressure or poison, the point is that it is inside of you and it is growing : You need to let it out, maybe not at once, but let a bit out everyday, don't allow it to build itself up.
    You can control it, believe me, even if it seems to you like something beyond your control, I tell you that you will learn to control it.

    You need to start right now : Bite a pillow, hit something with your fists, scream... Find safe places and safe ways to do this. It seems irrational, but it helps when it's too much.

    There is another exercise : Take your phone and make a recording. Say whatever you feel, insult the people you hate, tell them why, and curse like a sailor, let your anger run wild and free... Outside.

    You heard though the day a lot of voices telling you negative stuff about yourself. What about the voices telling you how good you are? You've got a voice, and when you are trapped in such a shitty enviroment, you need to hear your own voice as often as you can.
    This simple thing can save your life, so please give it a try. Hear yourself. Go and ask yourself questions. Get to know yourself. Allow yourself to be completly egocentrical. Build yourself a kingdom and be the queen there for a while, and then when you go back you'll see how shallow and ridiculous and small everything around you is.

    You are not someone else. I believe the more we are under pressure, the more we force ourselves to keep it quiet, to tame it, not to be annoying, the more those feelings and thoughts will seem stronger and at some point will seem just overpowering, until you don't recognize anything anymore. You can make this stop. It's going to take effort, and guts, and maybe (if you are that kind of person) to get angry, as angry as you can get, and demand your power back.

    I need to close my eyes sometimes when I'm confronted with my actual reflection. I just can't stand it, and I'm aware that I can't, I know it's going to beat me, so I close my eyes or look somewhere else. This gets worse when I'm under pressure, so when I hear the bells I know I need my plan B to deal with it. What do I feel? What do I want? What will do me some good, right here and right now?

    It can be as silly as breathing deeper, or closing my eyes, or putting on my earplugs and just not be there for a minute or two. To me it's about stop thinking. I empty my mind from all thoughts (and this is really hard for me, it took me years and patience, but works like a charm).

    You can go to a public bathroom and do this, and then come back. Nobody will question you for going to the bathroom. And then later you could go and treat yourself. You don't need to go back home after work, you can go for a walk and check out stuff you really love, even if you can't afford it right now. Just to look at the stuff, the things that makes you most happy, the things that you want for yourself.

    You need to know where your limits are, and what triggers situations and thoughts that do only harm. You don't need to confront those things when you are not sure you can win. There is some games that you better don't play at all, if you want to win them. You can't control what others say to you, but you can control how you take them. Imagine you are on an island, and between you and the rest of the people there is a lot of water. They can't reach you, because they are not trying to swimm to you, right? They are only shouting from the other side.

    You are not on your own here. I feel you on what you wrote, and I think you don't deserve this. There is more people out there who will care about you, not only on EC. What you are going through right now will one day be a memory, part of a past, and you'll be on a different level, among different people. I know because I've been there, and sometimes I'm still there, we all are...

    You could try the transline if you need a friendly ear or quick advice (I'm stealing here Jay's idea, sorry, but I think it's worth a try, even if you are not at the edge, to chat with some folks who are on the same boat is always nice)
    Trans Lifeline - (877) 565-8860 - Transgender Crisis Hotline

    Try some of the ideas I gave you, and don't hesitate to hit my wall. I'll try my best to help you.

    Stay strong.

    ---------- Post added 4th Feb 2015 at 09:47 PM ----------
     
    #11 Michael, Feb 4, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2015
  12. CyberStar

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2014
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Death Star
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Well. Yesterday was hectic. I will post the full details once i have a keyboard, but for nilow ill say this.

    I told my counselor. It ended with going to the ER. It was nuts. But I felt like we got somewhere, and thwt was a massive relief. I fel stable again.

    More later (possibly edit post) when i have access to a real keyboard. This is too long for a phone. But i thought id let you all kniw.
     
  13. Michael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2014
    Messages:
    2,563
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    (!) :thumbsup:


    (*hug*)