I'd been questioning since I came to know the LGBT existed. And I came out 3 years back to a couple of progressive friends. So the entire process has pretty smooth but I've suddenly been questioning again. So I'll list down everything I currently know about my sexuality. 1. A middle schooler used to regularly have me flash him on the school bus during the 2nd grade. May have been some touching. Not consciously traumatised by it though. 2. In the fourth grade, had these weird skinship sessions with a male friend. We'd touch each other's privates and hug? 3. Never knowingly crushed on anyone. But wanted to be really close friends with 2 guys (including the one from the fourth grade) and one girl. I'd get jealous if they'd hang out with others too much. Never thought about dating them though. 4. Dated a girl in High School. Mostly to prove I'm straight to homophobes. Didn't really love her and didn't like to cuddle, hold hands or do other cutsey stuff. Had oral sex (both ways) along with fingering/handjobs with her many times. Didn't go any further because I wanted to save myself for someone I actually love (still cringe about it). I don't feel bad about it because she later revealed she wanted me as a status symbol (worked out to look butch because I'd be called feminine, quadrilingual because well... Indian, not ugly, can sing and play a classical instrument, not exactly stupid either and most importantly some girls she hated had a thing for me). 5. Came out to some friends. They thought I liked both sexes because I'm horny and want more action. 5. Jump to the present. Been questioning again for the past few weeks. Realised that I've got two kinds of sexual fantasies : Gay ones- I'm an active participant. See myself both topping and bottoming but currently inclined towards the latter. Also these occur more frequently than the straight ones. Straight ones- Don't see myself actively participating. Instead imagine myself in the body of another male during sex with his partner. Can be a friend who's recently shared his experience, a character from a novel or an actor I see on screen. Never imagined myself with a woman. (Can it be due to an internised desire to be like them, as in straight? Like I'm trying to imagine what it would be like?) 6. Can't currently see myself dating anyone seriously or ever marrying (Aromantic?). But see myself smiling at gay couples on TV, interviews or even stories here on EC and going "that'd be nice". (Hopefully not because it would also be the best 'Fuck You' to my conservative family). NEVER felt that way about dating girls. Phew but that's about it. Although it's pretty natural and common, I don't want to be one of those gay men who go through a transitional bisexual/denial phase but I've got to accept whatever it is. So could I get some advice if you've been interested enough to read till here?
