I have been thinking about what my life would look like if I had a boyfriend and was open abot it with my family... Has anyone here came out and stayed with their spouse? What does your arrangement look like? How do you navigate relationships with your same sex partners....
Hi @Atreu, welcome to EC. I've not stayed with my spouse, I came out and we separated, but we did talk about every single alternative in terms of staying together and opening our marriage. One thought we had was living together more as best friends and coparents and having time out with other people. In the end this isn't what either of us wanted, but I think in certain circumstances, it could be a possibility. But I'm wondering, what do you want? What life can you picture being fulfilling for you?
I know for me that would never have worked. Once I embraced my homosexuality I lost all interest in even trying to be in a mixed relationship. I wanted out and shortly there after got out. Best thing I ever did. I would have been completely and totally unhappy living a lie after coming out. Just my experience however.
Hey Atreu I am married and out to my wife. I'm bisexual and my wife is open to me having friends with benefits arrangements. I'm middle aged and have no financial constraints and no children. So, I have time for both a primary relationship and secondary, more friendship sort of relationships that include intimacy, with men. So, it works for me. I've loved being married and my only regret was that I kept my sexuality a secret. But, I am not sure this whole arrangement would have worked 15 years ago when life was more hectic. I'm of the mindset that life can be lived at any age. I was pretty cool with waiting to experience m2m intimacy till later in life until I turned 55. Then it seemed more urgent.
Atreu.....Hello and a very big welcome to empty closets! I am gay, out to my wife and we are staying together. However, I believe strongly that every situation is different...what works for me is unique to my marriage...I not suggesting that it would work for anyone else. My wife and I have been married for 40 years. I came out to her 3 years ago. We have 3 sons and 4 1/2 grandchildren. We have built a life together, we do love each other and are best friends. My love for her is not the same as a straight man's would be, but nonetheless, I do love her...emotional not sexually. Health issues caused the end of our sex life about 20 years ago. It was actually a big relief to me as having sex with her had become almost impossible..not because of the health issues...I just couldn't deal with it anymore. This was about fifteen years before I began to understand that I was gay, although I didn't accept that I was and always had been gay until Dec. 2014. I did not want a divorce as I had no intention of breaking up my family to have a boyfriend or hookups. At the time my need for sex was almost non-existent. Later on I found out that my testosterone levels were extremely low and I started having T shots once a month. After the T took effect there was a significant increase in my libido. I consider myself to be "auto-sexual". To me it is far more than just masturbation...it is sex. My wife knows and is fine with it. Would I like to have a relationship with a guy? Yes. But my relationship with my wife, sons and grandkids is far more important to me, so I forgo thinking about a same-sex relationship. I'm not sure that this is the answer that you're looking for. I don't think that what has worked for me would work for very many others. But this is working for me and I am happy with it! .....David
That is a very nice thought Atreu. What is in your mind similar with what is in my mind. I am married with 2 kids, wife almost knows who I am but I need to explore myself to find my true soul. I am planning to go out of my country. I am 40s now and I wanna rest of my life with my hubby. Hopefully I will find my true love and grow together until the end of the day. Please update always your journey, I am watching you from my country. I need your experience to make strong my thoughts for divorce with my wife. Greeting from Indonesia
It's a good question. What do I want? If I'm being honest I'd like to live with my wife and kids but also have a relationship with a man. Maybe this means opening up my marriage. I do have friends that have done it with some success. They are both straight but I imagine it's the same. I'm really interested to talk to more people who have open marriages. I'm sure they all look somewhat different.
Hi again I think that an open marriage can work and lots of people do it, but it takes massive amounts of communication and honesty. It would have to take lots of thought and conversation to come up with sn arrangement that works for you and your wife, and respect for eachother' needs. You mention that you know s couple who make an open marriage work. I would say it's my instinct that there likely *are* differences to what they're doing and what you're considering. It's likely that they entered into that dynamic because they have some reason that they feel a need for being nonmonogamous; in the case of one partner coming out though, there may be very different feelings surrounding the motivation to open the marriage. I'm just mentioning this as another thought to keep in mind, in terms of being sensitive in how you talk about it with your wife. For example will she feel great and liberated that she can explore her sexuality with other people or will she feel that she's not enough for you and scared that you'll leave her...or both? A lot of the people I know who have come out and done the open marriage, the straightbpsrtber doesn't actually date or doesn't want to... it's important to talk it all out together. Another thought, how do you manage feelings? What if you fall in love with a man?
I have been out to my wife for several years and she is open and accepting of my fwb. We set up a few rules and are open with communication. Yes it can work for some. I have known several that are not as lucky as me
I came out to my wife 11 days ago. I think I'm bisexual and closer to the straight end of the spectrum (although I don't really know). It's clear to me that no form of open relationship would work for us.
Hey Atreu If you are still reading these posts. I wanted to add something to my post that is very important and Sevnbutton's post reminded me. When I came out to my wife, one of the first responses was "you had twice the temptations and still stay with me". Followed by "marriage is monogamy". This was all quite friendly, but the message was clear. "You can be bi but you cannot have sex with men". To be honest, I was OK with that. I had come out and that caused our relationship to flourish. About 3 months after disclosure my wife asked me if I wanted to have sex with men. I responded. "Of course, that's what being bisexual means". About a month later she asked "Do you wish you could have sex with men" and I responded affirmatively. This went on...a little at a time...until one day she just said "You should try it with a guy". I nearly spilled my wine....we were both pretty lose that evening. Of course this turned me on and she saw and laughed and I let it go for awhile. Maybe another couple weeks. Then I told her really needed to explore and we had another wine filled evening discussing rules. My point is that opening a marriage is not "hey honey I'm bi and this is my boyfriend". That rarely works. In my experience, you have to do some marriage rebuilding after disclosure. You have to re-develop trust. And, you have to communicate often....really often. But, you also cannot get frustrated, angry or give up hope. It's hard to do because we get so excited coming out and it is a let down to have our wives not so happy about it all.
Of course she is not happy about it. You just told a person they are not able to fill you needs. It sounds like she needed time to process. You two are talking that is good news You will have to have rules about relationships. We have a don’t ask don’t tell approach. But is she asks where or who I have been with I am always honest
I just can’t imagine being out to my wife and her accepting it. I think she has suspicions though. Maybe I’m wrong. Regardless, I’m not going to do it. Luckily for me, I’m closer to straight than gay, so the urges and desires are not so overwhelming
The one thing that has become really clear to me is that there is absolutely not a single solution that works for everyone. Even among the guys who have been posting here and who have worked out an understanding with their wives, every solution seems to be different. It depends on your personal values, desires, where you are on the gay-straight spectrum, whether kids are involved, and on and on. Then all those factors apply to the spouse as well. After all is said and done, it IS possible to stay married while being something other than totally straight, but it's not guaranteed. With the benefit of others' experience, you have to figure out your own path.
