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Came out 7 years ago, here's what's happened since...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by WhatLiesAhead, Jul 1, 2018.

  1. WhatLiesAhead

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    First off, I need to thank this community once again. I honestly don't know what my life would have been like had I not read the countless stories of others dealing with the same pain, frustration and thankfully in many cases, eventual relief that comes with being in the closest and then coming out. It's been quite a while since I last checked in here, but something sparked a memory last night and figured it might be helpful for others in a similar boat to hear an update on how things have gone in the nearly 7 years since I came out while in my mid 20's. If you're curious, or bored, or both, my first post from all the way back in 2011 tells my back story: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/finally-coming-out.283164/

    It's crazy to think it's been so many years since I closed that chapter of my life and started a new one. Reflecting back right now, all the feelings of being in the closet suddenly feel very fresh again. Maybe more than any, that sense of loneliness and isolation that came from seeing everyone who used to be central to my life, and vice versa, start to develop new lives of their own, with not much to show for myself. I've never been great at expressing my feelings to others, maybe not even to myself. So to look back and read what I had wrote then, to put myself back in a mindset that, to some extent I've forgotten, has been both refreshing and scary.

    I spent the first few months of my newfound freedom going out of my way to tell those who needed to know. I also spent that time realizing and accepting that a friend who I'd fallen for was straight. That took a toll but I did eventually manage to let it go and as the initial coming out euphoria was wearing off, I decided to try dating for the first time in my life. It was a challenge at first, learning everything in my mid/late 20's that most learn in high school. I didn't know exactly what to look for or how to look for it. I figured already being 27 years old by then, that I needed to take a more serious approach with the intent of finding someone for the long run. The result was a year or so mostly filled with disappointment. Disappointment initially that my straight crush wouldn't be able to simply fill the void I'd just created. Disappointment that my attempts at dating had thus far not yielded any great results. Disappointment that when I did finally meet someone I was interested in, he wasn't looking for anything serious yet and I basically scared him off. I started to wonder if it was all worth it. Did I come out for nothing?

    Things took a turn at the end of 2013 when only for the second time in nearly two years I went out with someone who gave me that, maybe there could be something there, feeling. I think I posted about it a few times after he friend-zoned me. Right place, wrong time type of thing. He had just gotten out of a relationship and finished up school, so he needed some freedom. My feelings for him were very strong which made it difficult to justify staying friends. However, we had developed such a close bond, were seeing each other so often, and I didn't have any other gay friends locally. He introduced me to dancing and going out, and just having a good time. Hanging out together had opened me up in ways I'd never been before; it let me discover a new side of myself, one I really enjoyed. So despite being let down, there wasn't much debate in my mind whether or not to stay friends with him. Ironically I soon began to discover the same, "me time," that he needed, I probably needed as well. This was a good chance for me to stop taking things so seriously, become more comfortable with who I was (and with being openly gay in general) and let go a bit... dating included. I spent the prior two years so laser focused on finding a life-long partner that anything short felt like a miserable failure. Over the course of our friendship, I learned a valuable life lesson: focus less on the finish line and just enjoy the ride. I began to date with a more relaxed attitude and it made for a much more enjoyable time in my life. I look back on those months now very fondly, and as a period that I probably needed before I'd be able to be in a sustainable relationship.

    Fast forward a few more months and though my feelings never totally died, they did subside enough such that we were easily able to maintain our close friendship, discuss our dating lives, etc. So naturally right after getting myself into a good place with all this, things changed out of nowhere. Like so many of these types of stories, it starts with a night out drinking and him coming back to crash at my place, as he had many times before. Except this time he settled in to go to sleep in my bed as opposed to the couch. I was a little surprised but even that had happened once before so I didn't think much of it at that point. It wasn't til I crawled in and he started kissing me that I realized this was a littttttle different from before. That's all that happened that night, and in the morning neither of us even said a word of it. We said our goodbyes and that was that. Of course a wide range of feelings and emotions rushed right back into my body; something I yearned for so much earlier that year had actually happened. But at the same time, I was left wondering: did it even mean anything? After a week of neither of us saying anything about it I began to just write it off in my mind. I actually started to think I might have just dreamed up the whole thing. Then finally, a text conversation turned flirty and he brought it up - phew, it wasn't a dream! A few days later we had prearranged plans to meet up for a happy hour at a bar. Last min, he suggested watching a movie at my apartment instead and I probably don't have to spell out where things went from there. I'll spare everyone the details; the short version is we soon after decided to give dating a shot. The first year had its fair share of ups and downs, but we stayed together through it. Incredibly, it's now been almost 4 years and while no relationship is perfect, things are really good.

    When I first joined this forum in 2011, I made my user name "whatliesahead" at a time when I truly had no clue what the future had in store. It was a time when I was in the process of, rather suddenly and unexpectedly, throwing away nearly a decade of convincing myself that I couldn't come out, nor did I need to. A decade of thinking if I focused on my studies and career, that I could look past anything else I may miss out on in life. I can't even believe I'm the same person who wrote that first post. Writing this and reflecting back on my journey has been an incredible reminder of how lucky I am and how grateful I always need to be. Admittedly, I catch myself here and there becoming almost too comfortable with how things ended up and I never want to take anything I have for granted. If it weren't for the encouragement of a close friend and this community, I really don't know if I would ever have come out. So for anyone who read to this point (thanks btw) and can relate to any part of my story, I'll conclude with this common but so so SO true saying: It can and does get better. I know everyone's situation is different and relatively speaking, I had it good (I thank my lucky stars often for this every day). But if its possible, you just have to have some faith in yourself and those around, and just take the plunge. We all deserve a chance at love and a fulfilling, honest life. I can't believe I ever thought otherwise.
     
    Weightless, quebec, Rakkitora and 2 others like this.
  2. quebec

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    WhatLiesAhead.....I am so glad that you took the time to make this post. We so need to hear these kind of stories. There are so many here on empty closets that are still "fighting the good fight". It is so easy to feel like the battle will never end. Hearing your story has really encouraged me and I think it will help many other also! Thank You So Very Much!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. Thereishope

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    Truly inspiring, thank you for sharing your story!!!
     
  4. Lost4

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    Thanks, I needed this :slight_smile:
     
  5. jj2047

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    Thanks for sharing your story! I enjoyed reading your post!
     
  6. pasinhose

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    I think what I got out of this....and this is so true when it come to attraction, sexuality, love...is that doesn't matter if you are gay or straight or what have you......its complicated but worth enduring to find that happiness. the key is that honesty within yourself as to who you are sexually. embrace that and good things do happen.
     
  7. Rin311

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    Thanks for writing this. I’m really happy to read that you have found what you’re looking for. It’s easy to think we won’t. Take care.