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... But This Isn't Going Well

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SevnButton, Apr 11, 2019.

  1. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    This thread is so awesome in that is encapsulates so many different viewpoints and perspectives... and I think the key to understanding this situation for anyone in it is to realize that there are really almost never two situations that are exactly the same.

    The piece that's been addressed that I'd like to reiterate is that there's no obligation for the spouse of someone coming out to "meet them halfway". That's great if it happens, and at the same time, when we come out to someone we are married to, we're baslcally (assuming they have no conscious awareness or suspicions) throwing their whole world into disarray. Regardless of whether people choose to stay together or not... nothing will ever be the same.

    Now... some spouses will try their damdest to pretend that nothing has changed, to keep things where they are, or to 'bargain' by agreeing to an open marriage, but very, very few such situations actually work, at least without an awful lot of strife in getting to that place. And arguably, the spouses that agree to such an arrangement may be doing it from a "something is better than nothing" perspective that often comes from a place of lack of their own sense of worthiness.

    So we have to expect that most spouses will go through periods of anger and depression, that may or may not alternate with periods of understanding and compassion. And we have to also accept that a spouse may find it too difficult and too painful to stay in an open marriage; in spite of understanding that a spouse is bisexual, it may not be possible for many people to, in a healthy way, accept that their monogamous marriage isn't monogamous any longer.

    Of course... there are exceptions. And we can hope to cultivate honest communication and find a middle ground that works for both people. However, I don't think it's reasonable to expect that this will always be the case. The hard part is walking into the unknown and giving up the familiar. In most cases, and certainly in almost every case we've heard about here at EC, people are ultimately happier when they live authentically, and most of the time (but not always), that does result in marriages ending.

    In any case, though, communication and authenticity is always the key to getting through it. You can't always ensure that your spouse will be equally supportive and authentic, but you can do your part. And as far as the kids go, I do think that telling them is the right choice; otherwise, they sense the discomfort and anger, and, depending on their ages, are more likely to blame it on themselves if no one shares what's going on, so it's best to get it out in the open to prevent more stress than is necessary.
     
  2. Nickw

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    @Chip brought up, and reiterated, a number of very valuable points.

    I think it is important, however, to point out that there may be significant differences between coming out as gay and coming out as bisexual.

    @SevnButton has never indicated that he wants to have intimacy with a man while married. Even though I was curious about it, I never suggested opening my marriage with my wife. It was her idea because she loved me and thought I should experience this.

    For many bisexuals, it is OK to have same sex attractions and remain, happily, in an opposite sex marriage. Where the rub comes in is having to hide this part of us from our spouses. It is also important, for some of us, to engage with other gay men in a platonic way.

    The other thing I often hear is that the same sex attractions and desires amp up in concert with a declining sex life with our spouses. Sometimes, often, this gets blamed on the bisexual. But, in my case, the lack of straight sex just made me more aware of my need for any intimacy. And, gay sex was a new and exciting possibility.

    I would give up all intimate contact with men in a heartbeat if my wife asked me to. But, I would not give up my attraction to men. They are completely different things. One request is asking us to honor a relationship. The other request is asking us to not be who we really are.

    My attraction to men has NOTHING to do with how I feel about my wife. I expect that my wife would give me the benefit of the doubt and try to understand this. This is where I see an obligation that our spouses should have in the marriage.
     
    #42 Nickw, Apr 15, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019
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  3. SevnButton

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    These are great perspectives, all of them, and I deeply appreciate the contributions. I am really in the thick of things right now, and it's tough. I know I have laid a huge burden at my wife's feet and it is a huge thing to ask her to accept. She goes between anger and lashing out, and amazing gestures of kindness and helpfulness. I have to believe there's a way through this mess. Truth is right now I don't know how it will all work out.

    One thing that is becoming really clear is that there absolutely is not a one-size-fits-all solution. That's exactly why all the diverse contributions to this thread are so very helpful.
     
    #43 SevnButton, Apr 16, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2019
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  4. mattblack

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    I only really have one thought on what you; you shouldn’t under any circumstances underestimate the amount of hurt she feels in this situation.