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Burnt out on men... Am I a lesbian?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bibeauty28, Dec 13, 2015.

  1. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    I've only ever been in relationships and gone on dates with men. And honestly, I have only ever known two men in my lifetime that I can call 'good' men. These two men are in their fifties and like father figures to me.

    Anyway, the last relationship I was in was when I was 25. I'm 30 now. I've only been on one date from then to now. It was with a man and I hated it. Not only because I'm burnt out on men but because he was nowhere near my type but I wanted to go out so said yes when he asked me on a date. I felt like I was WAY overdue for one.

    I just came out to everyone this year as bisexual. But I just don't know if the identifier 'bisexual' fits anymore. Ever since I heard the word bisexual late in middle school I thought I knew that's what I was. But now, these past months.. I don't know anymore.

    I might be a lesbian. Although I've never been with a woman I have kissed a few and felt a feeling that I never gotten when kissing or even having sex with men.

    When I have sex dreams it's only ever with women.

    But I might not be a lesbian because I feel definite lust when I watch a movie with men like Chris Hemsworth in them. lol I think he's a dream boat! But I would never want to be in a relationship with even him. I feel like he would be a let-down. Just like every man I've ever been with. Just a disappointment and not worth all the trouble.

    Don't get me wrong! I really like sex with men. I like that masculine vibe during sex. But I am not attracted to men anymore. Not at all. I'm not sure that what I felt for any of my then boyfriends was even attraction. At least maybe not in the way straight women feel attraction towards men.

    All I know is that I really want to be in a relationship with a woman. At least ONCE in my life. I feel like I won't have lived unless that happens. I want to fall in love again and I can't see that happening with a man. And honestly, I don't want to fall in love with a man at all. All the men I have chosen to be with have been just like my father; complete failures at being good people and all around jerks. Any man I have ever picked to be with all had waaay more bad qualities then good ones. I know, my fault.

    I've never been in a good relationship with a man. I think that's why I'm completely burnt out on them and want nothing to do with them.

    So am I a lesbian? Or pan? Or bi, leaning more towards women? I know labels are just labels but I kind of would really like to figure this out.

    Maybe if/when I meet the right woman none of this will matter. Just feels like that day will never come. Ugh. :bang:
     
  2. CapColors

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    You sound bi to me. Lesbians typically don't enjoy sex with men.

    But being bi and preferring to date women is a totally fine thing to be. Find yourself a nice lady and call yourself whatever you feel like at that point.
     
  3. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    Thank you, CapColors. :icon_bigg

    I read a lot of your comments in threads and always like/agree with/trust what you have to say.

    I appreciate your comment. (*hug*)
     
  4. CapColors

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    I totally get the feeling of still loving sex with a man but feeling like I'll never date one again, TBH. My feeling at this point is: are they worth the hassle given that I like women too? And my inclination is "not really." Doesn't make me gay though.

    That being said I've heard from many people on the forum who are like "I'm bi but I call myself gay because that's how I identify (now)." They have lots of reasons. There's nothing wrong with that, if that's the way you end up feeling.
     
  5. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    Wow, what you said really resonates with me and makes perfect sense. I think that is exactly what I am - I'm bi because I'm attracted to both men and women, I just choose to not be with men. Awesome!

    This has been on my mind for months. I'm glad to put it to rest now. Really, thank you.
     
  6. CapColors

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  7. Sorrel

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    Hi bibeauty28! Your post made me think of an article written by someone who identifies as a lesbian, but who is having sex with both men and women. I like it because it talks about labels and describes what it's like to really explore a label and to own it in a personal way. There are so many options for us, both when it comes to behaviour and identification. Here it is.
     
  8. BaldOldGoat

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    Sounds as though you may be in the same boat as several of us here: same sex for relationships, but not opposed to the idea of heterosexual intercourse itself (a/k/a "homoromantic" or "gay-identified bisexual").
     
  9. rachael1954

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    I too wonder if it's the bad experiences with men that made me just feel "over it" and want to give this girl thing a try?

    There's a whole communication breakdown between men and women, a whole gender expectation of who does the chores, and who gets to pick what goes on TV. Maybe it's just I picked a wrong guy, but I'm not going to end my marriage over petty arguments, chores, and TV. But with a woman everything JUST RUNS SMOOTHLY... like a well-oiled machine. You feel like the other person knows where you're coming from... this quote really gets me:

    It's the whole "girlfriend" thing a Girlfriend can provide. So I totally understand your point of view, 100%. Promise me one day if you find the answer to let us know. Cuz I ain't getting anywhere close to finding an answer...
     
    #9 rachael1954, Dec 16, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2015
  10. pasinhose

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    bibeauty28, what I have learned after many years is that sexuality is fluid. you may identify with one type or category but let me ask you this. do you find you have more sympathy with the same sex on issues you would not have before? do you notice that they are increasing, decreasing, stagnant or maybe its not even a relevant question. reason I bring this up is that I identified years ago with being straight yet there was this odd sympathy with gay men if and when there was some sort of teasing or making fun of 'fags'. I thought it strange at the time but it grew and grew to the point where I wanted to 'try' things with another man. I can say that it was not straightforward (pardon the pun) but the feelings intensified over ....years. I can continue this reply with even more detail but just wanted to get your thoughts before I do or if this reply makes sense in some way to you. always want to help.
     
  11. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    Thanks everybody!

    Sorrel - The link you gave me was very interesting! Although what was in the link makes sense to me and I can relate, Idk if I'm really ready to call myself a lesbian. Just doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm more a bisexual that has beef with men.. haha (Awesome profile pic btw)

    BaldOldGoat - Gay identified bisexual... Yeah! I could go with that! Thank you :slight_smile:

    rachael1954 - I love what you had to say! You're so right! Good quote btw. And I promise I'll let you know if I ever fully understand/figure this out lol

    pasinhose - I am definitely more sympathetic towards women than men... by far! I haven't been with a woman (Only every got to second base with a few) but I know I want to be. I feel this intense need to have a same sex partner. I feel like it would feed my soul somehow, ya know?

    You're all great for responding to my inquiry. I feel like I have some more soul searching to do but I'm closer to an answer for myself then I ever have been. So, thank you all. (*hug*)
     
  12. guest500

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    Well, bibeauty, if you are not married or attached, then now is the time to experiment and figure things out that way. Those of us who are married (with kids, in my case) don't have that luxury!