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Burning my bridges

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Cinnamoon, Oct 29, 2022.

  1. Cinnamoon

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    Hey so before this year I didn't know how to meet anyone new, and over the last 12 months I've started chatting to people more than I ever have before. It's come with massive challenges for me though. Today I reached out to someone on an app I hadn't chatted to in ages, but I forgot that they'd asked me for a photo of myself before and I blocked them in panic. They treated me pretty badly today and blocked me back, but I'm wondering if I deserve this kind of treatment.

    I blocked someone else recently who got upset at me for not spending more time with them but they made me uncomfortable in some ways, and I blocked another guy who spent more time talking to me than he did to his boyfriend and it made me uncomfortable. I've blocked countless other people, most of whom I felt wouldn't miss me in their lives, but I'm only just realising what a massive mistake I've made by doing all this.

    I'm scared to show myself on apps, and for ages struggled with anxiety and mistrust of people which still affects me today. Even at school I ghosted people, friends, I shut people down, shut people off and justified it in some way. But now I'm wondering if I'm just a bad person and don't deserve any kind of second chance to do better.

    I don't know whether to reach out to some of the people I blocked again, people from my past, or to leave them be. Even things like social media and facebook I struggle with for example, I don't like putting photos of myself up online and I'm just paranoid in so many ways when it comes to interacting with people.

    I wish I could be better than this, my life and my head feel like such a mess and I just wish I could be a better person. I don't know if I deserve the chance, but I've been totally blind for a long time and even though I'm becoming slightly more self aware, I'm questioning how many more blind spots there are in my judgement I haven't even discovered yet.

    I don't know what to do about all this.
     
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  2. Chip

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    If you block people on apps who are politely asking to get to know you better, who want to understand you, and if you ghosted friends and shut people down... then people are going to behave in appropriate ways when responding to those behaviors.

    This is something one definitely needs to address in therapy. There's a lot here you are describing and it's not likely to be something you can solve by yourself.
     
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  3. Cinnamoon

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    Guess I do deserve it then, thanks
     
  4. Cinnamoon

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    I'm sorry but I was a bit upset by that response, just because this is a very personal issue for me. I'm not saying you're wrong. I've just signed up for betterhelp, I'm on a very low income at the moment but I think they offer some support for that. I know I've done the wrong thing over time but I never meant to be harmful to anyone and handling this is upsetting for me. I understand the ways they react might seem appropriate but I don't think there's a lot of understanding or desire to understand the reasons people like me have for the things we do which is also upsetting. But thank you for your reply.
     
  5. mnguy

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    It sounds like you can learn from what happened and try to do it differently with other people. Show them understanding and give some reason to stop talking. What if you told the first guy you didn't want to send a pic yet, you're shy, need more time? Would he instablock you and you'd feel bad? Is it a defense mechanism to block first? It sounds like a lot of games people try to play on there, yuck what a hassle. People play games irl too. The other two guys, why not communicate what you're feeling/thinking so they know what's up and have a convo? That's probably not how it really works, as I just read about it, wishful thinking by me. At least say what you don't like and they can block you if they want. Laugh at them if they block for silly or unknown reasons. It's their issue, not you, unless you incited it, which they should tell you otherwise you are left wondering what's up.

    You can make a new profile to start fresh. Since you didn't share pics much, guys won't know it's you if it makes sense to try again or all new guys. I don't think I take good face pics and don't like to share them either. People you know can find you and hate on you and your profile; they're such dicks, and not in the good way haha. Apparently there are rules to the apps that no one tells you. I think one is that you need some pics ready to send asap bc if a guy asks and you're too slow, some will block. You have to be hot enough or you get blocked. Hmm, probably need some social media links so they know you're real. It's all to much for me, but wish you well!

    Can you share one of the struggles you alluded to, reasons you have for the things you do? It is upsetting when others don't understand us and we can't or it's too hard to explain what we think/feel. Maybe you've tried to share with others and they don't get it, shut you down, say you're wrong, blame you or say you have to change. Hugs, buddy!
     
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  6. Cinnamoon

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    Thank you. Yeah, I unblocked all the recent people I could find on my phone, I'm talking to a few of them again and I accept that I won't be talking to some of the others. I'll try not to block people again unless it's for my safety, but it's easy to feel like we're not a good match or don't add anything to each others lives and to feel like I'm doing the right thing by cutting off communication.

    I don't think I'm going to use that app again. There are others, but as a shy, quiet introvert without much of a social media presence and who doesn't really take photos of themselves often, it's hard to put myself out there. I know I've got to try at some point to help myself with these feelings of loneliness, but I've been putting it off for a long time.

    I guess I worry about money, my mental health generally, family issues, social issues, work issues, it gets too overwhelming sometimes and I just feel like shutting down and I guess that affects my interactions with other people too.
     
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  7. BiGemini87

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    As someone with social anxiety, I get it. Blocking them might not have been the best reaction, but it's one I've done a couple of times myself when I likewise got spooked. I can see that you didn't intend it maliciously, and I think one of the comments above is right--it does sound like a defense mechanism; like a subconscious, "I'm going to push them away before they do that to me" thing. It also sounds like you're uneasy about setting boundaries, and again--I get it. It can be incredibly hard to set boundaries if you've had people throw fits about it in the past, so it's easier to just cut out the middle man, right?

    But however hard it might be, I think it's in your best interest to voice those boundaries as clearly as you can, same with your intentions and what you're looking for, etc. If someone crosses the line, you can gently remind them; if they keep forgetting or worse, are dismissive or defensive about it, then you tell them they've made you uncomfortable and that if they can't respect your boundaries, you think it's best you go your separate ways. Give them a chance or two to better their behaviour, but beyond that, you don't owe them further chances or justification.

    It also sounds (from your most recent post), that you're getting better about the blocking thing in general. You're making the effort, so there's satisfaction to be had in that. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Cinnamoon

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    Yeah. It's like I'm going to be hurt by this interaction if it carries on, so I might as well end it. Which isn't always the healthiest thing to do straight away.

    I'm not very good at voicing my boundaries it's true, because I've always tried to please people and I don't like confrontation. But I'm learning that sometimes it's kinder overall to be honest about boundaries so people clearly know what you are willing to accept from a relationship or friendship and what you're not.

    Thank you though =) I'm trying to get better, I've always been so used to people coming and going from my life that the idea of having a consistent partner or friends is sort of alien to me in some ways. Which again makes it easier to block people when sometimes I shouldn't.
     
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  9. Nameerf76

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    I have had similar experiences - I have social anxiety, PTSD and I'm starting to wonder if I have Avoidant Personality Disorder as well! Or if it's part of the flight response from the Anxiety (and yes, people pleasing and avoiding confrontation!)
    I often get spooked in social interactions and just disappear - particularly online or on apps - it's very hard to read cues online - and for both parties to misinterpret each other!
    I've taken to being super up-front about my Anxiety and trying to explain to people why I sometimes take ages to get back to them etc. (ruminating over what to say and how it might be interpreted!). Some people get scared off or don't want to deal with some stranger's mental health problems - which I totally understand - everyone has their own struggles they're dealing with too..! But many people are relieved and often tell you about THEIR anxiety or depression too...
     
  10. Cinnamoon

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    To be honest I'm actually usually pretty responsive to people, when I'm feeling more or less okay. And I have opened up to people. But when I do, some people, including those close to me like my ex and a friend I sometimes talk to, have told me I'm trauma dumping and it's inappropriate. But other friends and other people say it's healthy to share. I know context matters but I think trauma dumping is a pretty problematic label to be honest. I feel like people should be willing to hear each other out. I try to be appropriate in terms of my conversation, but I do think telling people they shouldn't be able to share their suffering with others who can listen to them is pretty harsh.

    Sorry, went on a bit of a vent there.
     
  11. FireFox

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    How I see that is when someone is having a hard time and just need someone to rant to or with even if there isn't much of a constructive back and forth it can still be theraputic but if someone comes out with ''trauma dumping'' especially when there are some quite deep personal issues I don't think they could ever be of any meaningful assistance, I do find that quite harsh especially in that scenario.
     
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  12. Cinnamoon

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    Thank you. I guess not everyone understands what it's like to feel like this. So they don't know how to respond. Trauma dumping as a term makes sense but it does seem a bit harsh to me too
     
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