1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Bromance Advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BromanceAdvice, Jan 15, 2017.

  1. BromanceAdvice

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Need Advice about a Bromance

    I am a 49 y/o man who has been married for 28 years. I love my wife and, and wouldn’t choose another woman. I have 2 grown children, which I deeply love. However, since a young teen, I have had curiosity about men. When I started dating in the late 70s, I pushed that curiosity down; not allowing it surface for me to act upon.

    After marrying her, I continued to push down those feelings, until recently when I met a man named Mark who is 30 y/o. (Yes, much younger - I know.) My initial engagement with this man was when my company hired him to update our landscaping.

    When I first met him in-person, I experienced a feeling I have never felt in my life. I couldn’t breath or move; I stammered over my words and lost all intelligence I gained over the years. As they explain in the movies - everything around him was blurry; all I saw was him. That first meeting was 4 months ago, since then our interaction has increased due to the project.

    One night after dinner, I walked him back to his apartment, which was close to the restaurant. When saying goodbye to me, he leaned over and hugged me, which surprised me because we had a professional relationship up to that point. The hug he presented to me was not a normal hug; it was a squeeze that lasted for a longer period than a friendly hug, especially since he placed us cheek-to-cheek. To my surprise, during the hug, he turned and kissed my cheek, which created a reaction from me to pull away with surprise. Truly, I regret the breaking the embrace, which was the most amazing hug I ever experienced.

    At that time, the feelings I had for him and pushed down for 4 months immediately surfaced. So, my next reaction was to quickly return the embrace with that same force he offered me during the first hug, but this time, I kissed his cheek, which he graciously received. At that moment, he pulled away, positioned his face in front of mine, stared into my eyes and kissed me on the lips. Well…I quickly accepted, but slipped him the tongue, because I thought that was the direction we were headed. He quickly pulled away and said, “You tried to French kiss me.” I was shocked by him being offended, since he’s been making all the moves. After apologizing, he asked me not to slip the tongue again. However, he once again embraced me and kissed me on the lips multiple times with a closed mouth. After the embrace was broken, he said goodbye and entered his apartment.

    After that experience, we had dinner and beverages multiple times with the goodbye the same; he tightly hugging me and kissing me on the lips with a closed mouth. However, one time, during the embrace and closed-lip kiss, he said, “I love you”. I MELTED! My heart fell to my feet, and I lost my breath. I literally almost fainted. I thought this was it; he truly loves me, so I lifted his shirt to caress his chest while kissing him (with a closed mouth)…and he freaked and said, “No - I’m not gay!” and asked me to stop. He said he loved me but only as a friend.

    Needless to say, by this time, I was very confused by our relationship, but felt I needed to set the record straight. So I told him that only did I love him, but was “in love” with him. He quickly explained that he did not have any sexual feelings for me…just intellectual. He claimed he had a strong platonic love for me, not sexual. He claimed that were connected like non other he shared relationships. Needless to say, i was confused because we have watched TV together while holding hands. Even though he has placed his hand on my leg for an extended period of time, he strongly proclaims he is not gay and that he would NEVER want to see me naked and/or touch me naked. The closet we have been skin-to-skin is when he took off his shirt and and showed me his tats. When I admired them, he said to stop staring at his body. Again - mixed messages. Bottom line - he says we have a Bromance - and only that.

    So, my question to you is…what are your thoughts concerning this situation? You are not going to hurt my feelings. I am very confused. I think of him 24/7; something I never did with my wife or anyone else. I want to be with him all the time. My heart hurts when I’m not with him and hurts even more when I relive his words of not wanting to be with me.

    Please offer you honest, candid input and advice. I need your guidance or I’m going to go nuts because I can’t focus on my life and career. I love him! Is this JUST a Bromance or is does he truly have sexual feelings for me?
     
  2. warholwendy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2014
    Messages:
    407
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Midwestern US
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Honestly he sounds like he kinda led you on unless he's doing some sort of hipster "men should be able to kiss each other platonically" thing.
     
  3. BromanceAdvice

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks for the reply. He does admit to being a hipster and my assumption is that kissing me is okay without any ties.

    ---------- Post added 15th Jan 2017 at 06:20 PM ----------

    Warholwend - another thing...he keep reminding me that he wants a platonic relationship. Even though he holds my hand, kisses me and cuddles...he says he would never desire being naked. I find that very odd - or is that just me?

    ---------- Post added 15th Jan 2017 at 06:26 PM ----------

    Warholwend - for the reply. He does admit to being a hipster and my assumption is that kissing me is okay without any ties. Another thing...he keep reminding me that he wants a platonic relationship. Even though he holds my hand, kisses me and cuddles...he says he would never desire being naked. I find that very odd - or is that just me?
     
  4. bookreader

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2,748
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Suburbs
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Have you talked to your wife about this? She should at least know you've been curious about guys. I understand that being gay wasn't probably great in the 70s. Do you still love her?
     
  5. Sky123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Re: Need Advice about a Bromance

    Hey Bromance advice,

    This situation is so frustrating because you feel like you find an endless list of examples to why he likes you and yet their behaviour doesn't add up. I'm in a similar situation to you and even though my situation hasn't been resolved, I strongly suggest having a break. By that I mean reduce the amount of time you meet and speak. It will honestly give you so much more clarity.

    In terms of your friend liking you, honestly no one can give you that answer except him. He obviously cares very deeply for you and is very comfortable around you. Could it be something more? Potentially, but I honestly think a break will help you for the time being. As I feel the answers you're looking for, he won't immediately give to you/you may not like what he has to say.
     
  6. BromanceAdvice

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    i love her deeply, but haven't yet had the courage to tell her about my feelings/curiosity for men.
     
  7. bookreader

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2,748
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Suburbs
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Well do you expect to keep this secret until your deathbed?
     
  8. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,589
    Likes Received:
    523
    Location:
    Reno
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Re: Need Advice about a Bromance

    Hi Bromanceadvice,

    I appreciate that you came here to EC looking for advice on this particular situation. I hope that you can also use your visits here to work on yourself and your journey.

    I'm going to give you my honest opinion. You might not like it very much, though, but I think it's important that I don't sugar-coat this and tell you only what you want to hear.

    1. I think he is gay but does not accept himself. Hipster or not, straight guys don't act like this.

    2. I think you are likely gay and are in a difficult position because you are married to your wife, and are in a mixed-orientation marriage. Your wife is unaware of your sexuality, and you are at the beginning of cheating on your wife.

    3. Cheating on your wife isn't going to help you. It will only add to your guilt, shame and fear.

    4. I think you should break off this relationship with this guy. I don't think it's going to go anywhere, and you're already feeling like you're "in love" with him. He isn't going to return your feelings and it will only get more difficult for you to deal with your feelings for him.

    5. You should consider the larger piece of this puzzle: you are coming to the conclusion that you're gay and in a mixed-orientation marriage. You are not alone in this. There are many of us in that exact same situation. I was too. I am now out to all who know me, separated from my wife, and continuing on in my journey to be the real me. The question for you to consider is what you want to do now?

    Six months ago I came out of the closet. To my wife, my children, my friends and co-workers. It's a journey of self-discovery and finally being true to myself. It has been both painful and joyous. I am living proof that there is a way out.

    I don't know if any of this helps you, but you did ask for honesty.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  9. CptPlanet

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2017
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Gunsan
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Re: Need Advice about a Bromance

    Sounds like your friend is just as curious as you are but doesn't want to admit that he is. I would try to stay emotionally reserved in the meanwhile. Honestly, I would ask him to explain what this bromance is cause from the sounds of it...it isn't hetro. Is he only affectionate when you guys drink?

    As far as the feelings you have...you have to do what makes you happy. Tomorrow isn't promised. Ask yourself what really makes you happy and proceed towards that. Small steps if that works for you...trust me I understand how you feel
     
  10. warholwendy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2014
    Messages:
    407
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Midwestern US
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think it's odd too, dude. I'd talk to him about it.
     
  11. Terry Ja

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2017
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Diego CA USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    The guy sounds like he is caught in his own revolving door, or he may think that you're an easy mark to be blackmailed. It looks like he is feeding you morsels every now and then for a hidden purpose. Make no mistake: A guy who goes out on a limb as often as he has sure knows that he is up in a tree.
    Does anyone think that in this society and in this day and age a grown man would kiss, hug, and carry on with another grown man if romance/sex--or a setting up--were not the engine? Don't be a chump. Never let anyone dupe you.
     
  12. BromanceAdvice

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Male
    Re: Need Advice about a Bromance

    Thank you VERY much for your honest input and advice.

    I know what I should do, but heart won't let me. My heart hurts when I'm not with him. I love him so much, I think of him 24/7. Sadly, in the 34 years I've known my wife, that was never the case.

    Yes, his feelings are accelerated when we drink, but don't they say the truth comes out after alcohol consumption. Why do you ask?

    Last night during dinner, I was again confused. He took me to a 5-star restaurant in a club on the top floor of a high-rise overlooking the city. It was extremely romantic. He told me he loved me deeply, but as a friend - total platonic. He swears he does not have gay tendencies. Even when watches porn, he watches one or two women - no men. (Maybe that is a sign he is afraid to watch a man and a woman for the fear of liking the male parts??)

    When we left, I walked him to his door instead of going in, he tightly embraced me; placed me cheek-to-cheek; kissed my cheek; pulled me in front of him; gazed into my eyes - kissed me (closed mouth) on the lips, and said he loved me. I about collapsed.

    On my drive home, he sent me a txt the said, "I love you, brother!" So...am I his brother, or lover? HELP!
     
  13. bookreader

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2,748
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Suburbs
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think he's leading you on and trying to confuse you. I think he needs to figure out his true feelings.
     
  14. gchal00

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2017
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alameda
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is too bizarre. I had to read everything several times. At first I thought he might be European because men from some cultures are somewhat touchy feely. But he is taking it up a notch and shutting you down when you respond. I say that is Narcissism, NOT a Bromance in any way, shape or form.

    Cut it now. Your employer is involved and this could bite you hard at work.

    Honesty in your relationship is important as well, but I am not a relationship expert so no further comment on that topic.

    Everyone has a degree of sexual fluidity. It may be zero meaning you are only attracted to men or women, or it may allow for some curiosity on your part. It's all normal. If you decide to engage in self exploration, no judgement on my part.

    This guy sounds like a world of trouble. I would run.....fast.

    Good luck!
     
  15. Incredibull

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2014
    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey man,

    I think either he is telling the truth and just thinks a kiss and a hug and close connection is part of his relationships. I would ask him if he does this with others. If he does then yes, continue the same relationship (platonic) and take what you can. BUT, recognize it will not go any further than this. If this is not something that you can accept, I understand, then you should avoid him and cut it off and you will feel much better later. Even though it may get awkward for sometime until that fluster feeling wares down, which takes effort on your part.

    If he is a narcissist who wants attention, that is also poison to you. To which you should ignore him (which is a win-win, you focus on yourself and he will want attention and possibly grow to you). Or tell him you are not comfortable with those gestures (because it leads you on) and will be VERY distracting to everything else.

    You made your position clear, regardless of his possibly being closeted.

    I suggest taking time to think of what he represents: A super crush, a friend? And if the relationships that this might impact and see what you have right now and if those relationships will be impacted if you continue this way (I think they will, and personally dont think it is fair to your spouse. I am not sure your comfortability with your spouse, so take this with a grain (or two of salt): Talk to her about your urge for male contact. And see if you can work though it, if anything you will drop a LOT of stress off your shoulders, even if it really was just a fantasy and nothing more. If you can work something out that would be great. Or atleast you have someone to talk to about your struggle. (I would leave this kiss and shirt out of this though :wink:) BUT, something like I have began to notice guys are sometimes attractive and I have. Maybe bi-curious.

    I am BI and I was INCREDIBLY confused until I pursued it and talked about it.

    Be VERY careful with this guy. But I suggest talking to your spouse about you bi-tendousies.


    Good luck man!
     
  16. AlmostBlue

    AlmostBlue Guest

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    It's hard to tell how he truly feels, but what's certain is that he knows that there is a discrepancy in the way you two feel for each other, and yet he is continuing with the confusing relationship and is using you. This shows lack of respect for you and your feelings, and that is really unhealthy. You might be heavily infatuated with this guy, but I would suggest you stay clear of him. If you want to pursue men, you should do so under much less confusing circumstances. Also, I'm concerned that throughout all this, you don't seem to show any concern over how you are at the least, emotionally cheating on your wife. If you want to come to terms with your sexuality fully, then you probably need to address that with your wife, either by communicating with her, or by ending the relationship so that she can pursue her own.