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Broken and unlovable

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by brainwashed, Jan 31, 2020.

  1. brainwashed

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    I've been working with another gay person who has been teasing the hurt out of me.

    This morning it came to me - after tossing and turning all night, working this out. Could it be I subconsciously consider myself unlovable? And could it be I subconsciously consider myself broken?

    Going back eons, I remember times from my childhood where the above prevails in all it's glory. And now these two things if true are still in my life.
     
  2. SevnButton

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    Hi @brainwashed -
    My opinion, in a short answer. Yes subconsciously that's possible. I also believe that we all have some part of us that is broken in our own special ways.

    There is there is also a part of you that is wonderfully whole, compassionate and kind. I have seen it in your posts. My suggestion to you would be to summon that wonderful, whole, compassionate, kind higher self for a moment, reach out to that broken part and give it a big hug. Say 'thank you' because it is a part of you and it's just trying to keep you safe from the abuse you've endured in the past.

    You are loveable. I think you should start by loving yourself. You ARE worthy of that.
     
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  3. NotTooLoud

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    OMG, this really hit a chord with me! I laugh about being gay with a friend all the time, but I think I am the same way. I have felt "not good enough" for my entire life. I think it is time for us to stop!
     
  4. olderwiser

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    "Don't knock yourself, there are plenty of people in this world that will do it for you." I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that from my Father. Now that I am older and I hope much wiser, I see how smart that advice is. Had to quiet the thoughts in my head saying, "You are no good". "You are worthless", "You will never measure up", and... It was not easy however I did it. I get up in the morning with good thoughts and even smile at myself in the mirror. It works...
     
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  5. Mirko

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    Hi, I'd agree that working on being able to love yourself first, no matter what one says or does, is likely going to be a prerequisite for you to feel worthy of love and feel whole.

    One question to explore: do you consider yourself to be worthy of love and belonging?

    Another would be: how would you feel about setting a boundary with the coworker/standing up for yourself?
     
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  6. OnTheHighway

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    “Worthy of love”, this is such a powerful phrase. There are so many things in life can can impede our belief that we are worthy of love; childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse (which I have discussed my own experiences with at length in prior posts), family abandonment, youth bullying or even career set backs just to name a few.

    My own personal journey towards self love, self esteem, self respect and self confidence required I commit myself to be vulnerable, take risks and expose my true self to others. The more vulnerable towards others I made myself the more I felt I was worthy of love. Of course it’s not a straight line, sometimes we take two steps forward and three steps back, but pushing ourselves to start and continue to be vulnerable with others has a profound positive impact on our feelings of being worthy of love.

    The notion of vulnerability and its impact on how we feel seems to be somewhat of an oxymoron, but the risk versus reward proposition is strong. The rewards are higher self worth, self confidence, self love, self respect and self esteem.
     
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  7. Gonsa

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    I can not believe that last night I was talking to my mom about the same subject, she told me her experience, she expend 3 years of psychology threrapy until one day she looks her self in the mirror of her car and realice that she is beautiful, she deserve to be loved, she deserve to be happy and to be with someone who loves her for real, that was on her 30s she told to continue with the psychology treatment, because one day I will look in the mirror and I will see myself, she told me to be ready for it, because when that happen to her, she cryed for 3 hours with a incredible pain in her chest full of emotions that were hidding in her for so long... she said is like to get a sword out of your body and then, everything change, because when you find your self no body will able to hurt you any more, because that person will protect you from everything and everybody.
     
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  8. brainwashed

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    Bingo moment. Yes making yourself vulnerable will help you come out of closet but generally if a person has been hurt then making oneself vulnerable is counter intuitive. This is the crux why making oneself vulnerable is so hard. Because you have been hurt, shammed, call it what you want, it hurts.

    Long ago I hit a finger on my right hand with the handle of a sludge hammer - a strange accident. Broke the finger bone and nearly chopped the finger clear off. (The tip was dangling by a few morsels of raw bleeding flesh.) I actually fear sludge hammers now and am very cautious when using one. (FYI the tip of the finger was sown back on, the bone took root, I'm typing with it now!)

    Ah the word of the day is counter intuitive. And it makes perfect sense that a person exhibits this behavior after being hurt.
     
  9. brainwashed

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    I have come up with a very solid theory why I feel "Broken and unlovable". This feeling I exhibit comes to me via my mom, my primary abuser. She would CONSTANTLY ask me when was I gong to get a girl - aks girlfriend. Reflecting on one particular incident on an ocean beach, I remember tears coming to my eyes when she asked me again, when are you going to get a girl. In my 40s she made the statement, "I do not know what is going to become of you." implying I dont have a girlfriend, a wife, grand kids for her to love, I was in her eyes a broken.

    Lol, the stupid fucking bitch is the one who broke me and she didn't get that. She was so into herself she just didn't get that she was negatively affecting me and others greatly.
     
    #9 brainwashed, Feb 3, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2020
  10. brainwashed

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    And if one is broken then one is unlovable & and runs the risks of not loving them self. To da!
     
    #10 brainwashed, Feb 3, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2020
  11. OnTheHighway

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    I appreciate the “counter intuitive” nature of making ourselves vulnerable (I like how you put it better than the term I used). I would suggest you try and bifurcation the experience you had being hurt with the need to be vulnerable. You had no choice when you were hurt, but you need to be proactive making yourself vulnerable. In one instance, what was done to you previously you had no control over, in the other you have complete control. In other words, your now in control where previously you were not.

    Just as we are in control of various aspects of our lives with the decisions we make, you can take control of your own emotional well being.

    The question for yourself then is: do you want to take control? For me, I prefer to have control than allow historical events dictate my path in life from here forward.
     
  12. OnTheHighway

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    This sounds like a familiar theme, our parents own self interest taking priority over their children’s well being. Far to common unfortunately. See my last post. Do you want that to continue to be in control of your future direction?
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    We humans have an uncanny ability to adopt and heal. What’s broken can be fixed. When we adopt and heal, we can love ourselves and see how others can love us just the same.
     
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  14. brainwashed

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    Agree 100% I see my current me stepping up to the plate very soon. There's a fire inside, its burning baby!
     
  15. brainwashed

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    The sneaky part is it didn't seem the parents were putting their intensest in front of their kids, but this is indeed the case. Wow this is a shocking revelation.

    Continue to be in control is not going to happen. The writing is on the wall.
     
  16. brainwashed

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    Wow I sure hope so.
     
  17. OnTheHighway

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    I have realized we can be our own worse enemy in this regard. For others to love us, first we need to love ourselves, second we need to let others in and let them love us,
     
  18. Mirko

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    Reading over your further responses, I wonder have you had a chance to read any of Brene Brown's work on vulnerability and shame?
     
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  19. OnTheHighway

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    And she has some Ted talks about shame and vulnerability which provide a good overview.
     
  20. Mirko

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    Yes, her TED talks are great. I agree, take a look at them as well if you haven't had the chance yet. It would be worthwhile to watch them in chronological order as they tend to build on the themes of the preceeding - at least that's what I found and found it to be more helpful in thinking more deeply about things. :slight_smile: