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Bridging romance & sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by blagh, Sep 19, 2019.

  1. blagh

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    Still struggling with what I’ve been calling bisexuality, but still unsure.

    I’ve seen it mentioned that some people report having sexual fantasies about the same sex, but no equivalent romantic inclinations. I can say that rings true for me as well, in that I’ve had same-sex desire, but there’s no accompanying sense of butterflies in the stomach or a flutter of the heart like I have with the opposite sex. It’s almost like I get aroused but there are no feelings attached to it - certainly not the same ones as with the opposite sex.

    I’ve also seen it said that this may be a sign of denial or repression - but honestly, if I’m capable of those feelings with the same sex, they’re just not emerging. They certainly don’t emerge the way they do with the opposite sex - and isn’t it meant to be natural, unconscious and entirely out of our control?

    Anyone have any input on this? As usual, it’s massively confusing.
     
  2. Goya

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    This has been the same for me until I accepted my sexuality and a massive crush that I have actually had (but not admitted to myself) for a year and a half. Once I accepted it that crush turned into feelings... now I’m a bit screwed lol
     
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  3. silverhalo

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    The reason it is complicated is because society leads us to assume that we are straight until proven otherwise. Sometimes the subconcious mind blocks the romantic type feelings from coming through and at first the sexual ones come through. I would say allow your mind to explore your same sex feelings as much as possible, let your mind just go wherever it wants and then see what comes from it. How do you feel about your same sex feelings?
     
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  4. blagh

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    I'm having trouble accepting them as real. Part of me wants them to be real, but it just feels impossible.

    Today, I was in a gym, and there was a guy who was smiling and laughing and having a good time - and all of a sudden, there was an urge to walk over and kiss him on the lips. I instinctively felt like it would be nice, until a moment later I knew he wouldn't appreciate it and it would create a scene lol, so I obviously never did anything.

    I've only had two sexual encounters with men - the first was hot and intense, but rather "out-of-body". The second there was zero sexual chemistry between us, but it was very loving and intimate.

    It's tough to just let myself go and allow my instincts to run loose, since I think I learned at a very young age to just not do that. It's just tough to be natural, I think - you learn that people will take advantage of it and belittle you or make you feel awful about yourself. I just don't know.
     
  5. Kwekie

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    I would say my experience and my experience of other peoples experiences, would be that repression gives out last on emotions. For whatever reason, to a lot of people, its easier to do a gay sex act than it is to actually say you love a man. Like, way harder. So many people ive met, on this forum or otherwise, who gradually just progress into normal healthy acceptance, but for a while

    "sure i might be attracted to some guys but I wouldnt do anything sexual"
    "sure id do something sexual, but not something intimate!"
    "sure id be WILLING to do something intimate, but it just so happens I dont want to!"
    "Ok maybe I want to but I wouldnt say i LOVE other guys or that i desire that per se"

    and on and on it goes lol.
     
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  6. Hope4love

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    it was the same for me before accepting my sexuality, but after that it got even worse, I regret not acting on all my gay crushes I had had on the past, because I don't feel romantic attraction to the same sex anymore, I'm not sure if it's a mental block or maybe I haven't fully accepted it
     
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  7. Aldia

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    I totally get you. but at the same time, let me tell a story I didnyt shere until now. Back in college I had this friend who was with me in our track and field team. In competed in the same categories and in our second year of college in became together something like managers of the team, in charge of locating tracks for our competetions, organizing the logistics to get the team to other towns to compte, etc. So it meant a lot of time spent together. I am finally able to recognize now that at some point I would long for a message from him even if it was solely about competition stuff, but often we would talk about other things for a very long time. At the end of that year we were having dinner together after a training session and at some tpoint he mentioned that who was going to travel to some other country with someone he called his "best friend". Boy, did that sting. At the time I brushed it off like it was nothing, but now I can see it was plain old jealousy. I dont know, but maybe this blockage regarding romantic feelings towards the same sex is so internalized in ourselves by society that only a cosntant and intense day by day contatct with a person is able to overcome it.
     
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  8. cjmiller

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    For a long time I was never looked at another guy and thought they were attractive. I really only had sexual fantasies of faceless men. It wasn't until I accepted my sexuality did I start to notice types of men and feel real attraction towards my type.
     
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  9. Contented

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    I can only speak to my experience. As I came to acknowledge my same sex attraction I concluded it was only a sexual thing and not emotional. In short order however I found that I wanted more. I wanted a relationship I wanted romance the whole nine yards with another man. I wanted the kissing, the hugging the cuddling along with the best sex I had ever experienced. Within a short period I fell in love with him and wanted him in my life exclusively. Once I reached this point I had to come out to the world. I wake up every day thankful for a love so complete and satisfying in every way I still feel like I am in a dream. For me the key to happiness was loving another man!
     
  10. silverhalo

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    It's definitely tough, nobody will say it is easy, I think when you have these postive moments you have to try and let yourself enjoy them, I mean I am not saying go and kiss the guy but just allow yourself to imagine it in your head. Sure the part of your mind that doesnt want it to happen will shut it down as it did today but hopefully each time you can enjoy it for a bit longer and a bit longer until the enjoyment is more common than not.
     
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  11. Goya

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    Can I just say how beautiful this is. *wipes tear from eye
     
  12. Contented

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    Goya thank you. I continue to contribute because I think it is so important for us later in lifers to know there is peace , contentment and happiness possible at the end of our coming to terms with our same sex attraction. Even 3 years into my evolution as an openly gay man EC is a resource and sounding board. It is such an important way station on the road to our sexual liberation. While all our stories are different I hope that at least my contributions help those still struggling with their journey. All I know for sure is that it possible to find all you need in a same sex relationship and live the life we choose.
     
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  13. Goya

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    Well you’ve helped me today. Recent acceptance has me a little crazy right now. Both good (feeling free, liberated) and bad/different (what to do with current long term relationship that has been unfulfilling it certain ways maybe due to this and a hardcore attraction to another female that’s way out of control) your story makes me hopeful and a little less scared about what might be, whatever that is. I wish you the best for the future, your relationship sounds like a gift.
     
  14. Hope4love

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    t
    the most beautiful thing I heard today, thanks for sharing
     
  15. out2019

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    I think the emotional part is tougher because we can write off sex and a kink or fetish -or some compulsion we have... and its also isolated to sex acts..
    Accepting romantic means dating, living together, living as a gay man, and in some ways that seems like more of a conscious choice.

    like others here I thought it was just sexual. It wasn't until I came here and started accepting my sexuality that I realized how much I craved romantic intimacy with a man. A couple of things helped:

    a. someone here said "imagine coming home to someone you love and kissing them' I never allowed myself to even think that before and when I did, I was floored- I imagined a man and I couldn't believe how good it felt to imagine that.. Oh THIS is how straight people feel about hetero relationships! :slight_smile: right there, I knew I was gay.

    b.someone said imagine going out on a date staring intimately into someones eyes and holding their hands.. again I never allowed myself to do this, when I finally did, i couldn't believe how good it felt to think about doing that with a guy.
     
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  16. Contented

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    Out2019 coming home to your BF and going out on romantic dates are even better when you actually do it. You will be amazed that reality is so much better. I would never have believed that another man’s kiss or his touch could so incredibly sensual, sexy and erotic if I had experienced it first hand. It is mind blowing knowing that I am sharing my life with a man that made me feel so complete. We are proud to be openly gay men living in a loving relationship. It is our effort to show whoever might be watching that gay is as normal as anything else and love is love period.
     
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  17. out2019

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    I look forward to the day I experience it!