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Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by StellarJ1, Jul 2, 2014.

  1. StellarJ1

    Regular Member

    Aug 13, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    I had my first kiss with a man the other day. It was a total stranger, lol, that I met on the street on my way to my car. Within a few minutes we were kissing.

    It was serendipitous and immediately followed an incredible conversation I had with a new friend where I confessed that I feel like a woman, and I am totally afraid to be seen that way.

    This was the bigger breakthrough, actually, although I am ecstatic for both.

    It requires that I am brave enough to let go of my old self. It is a death. It is hard to let go.
    I think we all know how disappointing it can feel to realize that we are not going to have the life that we wanted to have so badly as a straight person. Part of me hasn't been able to let go of this fantasy.

    This confession is even more powerful than telling someone that I am gay, for some reason.
    It is the embodiment of me that feels so wonderful. The expression.

    In my head, it feels so off limits to let this out. But it is going to have to happen. It is the next step in the process. I am going to have to share this with some people to make it more real.

    Accepting that I feel like a woman seems so right. It's presents a total unpredictability to my world that I am going to have to be okay with, because it seems in concert with who I really am. It may not be what I want, but it is alive, and that makes it worth it.

    I have been down for awhile, so this was a great relief.

    I think it is mostly that I am giving up on this lie that I try to sell myself and others on. I cannot do it anymore. It's too hard. There is a certain way that is me, and I have to accept it for life to get better.