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Boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore..

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Male Streisand, May 13, 2019.

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  1. Male Streisand

    Male Streisand
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    Hi, before I get into any of the details, I’ll explain our relationship first.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now and the last few months our sex has changed. He doesn’t want to kiss me anymore, he never starts it anymore, and when we do do it, he never finishes.

    He says that he’s stressed about work and hates waking up and having to go to his shitty job. I understand that, his mom worked there as well and things didn’t end well with her and the boss, so there is tension at his work everyday. He says it’s a toxic environment and that he is mentally and physically drained. I understand that and I’ve seen it myself from when he is on leave compared to when he is working. He is really down and depressed. At least he gets excited to see me.

    Last week Friday he got suspended at work for no reason, purely because his boss is an asshole. Luckily my boyfriend has a lot of evidence about the company and his boss to take him down and the company too. He and his mom were the only competent people working there.

    We see each other once a week as we live 50km apart from each other. And I am a hairdresser, so I work every Saturday. So we stay together Saturday and Sunday as we both live with our parents.

    We used to have very passionate sex, when we first did it, he would really go at me and make my skin shiver to the touch. (Warning:This might get graphic)
    He used to kiss my body up and down and blow me, he would kiss my neck until it’s blood red. He was usually open to try anything that I would, obviously within reason, if he was uncomfortable he would tell me and we’d change what we do. I think we communicate quite well with each other, but some things are still either awkward or just unclear with each other. I think we’re still figuring out what we like to do with/to each other.

    I am usually the bottom, but he loves it as well. We used to always have sex where I’m laying on the bed and he’s standing, then we changed to him laying down and me riding him. And that worked well for us. It was something different and exciting. We used to occasionally switch between the two, depending on our mood. However when he bottoms, he will not ride me. He is a larger man, so I think he is afraid of hurting me, or doesn’t like the idea of him jiggling. I get that, he has not exactly said that, but I assume that’s why he doesn’t want to ride.

    Now in the last few months, he doesn’t want to do anything, he says I’m obsessed with sex. He made it very clear that sex isn’t everything to him, he’s fine with not having sex for extended periods of time, I sometimes feel like I need to remind him that he’s not single, and he can have sex with me whenever he wants. I’m not someone who will refuse to do it, especially with him. He does so much for me that I feel like that’s the only way I can repay him.

    We’re in a rut when it comes to our sex life. I feel like I don’t know what to do to make him finish. He used to always finish, and it’s the most attractive thing to me, seeing him feel the utmost pleasure, it’s better than me finishing to be honest. I don’t know when is the right time anymore, because he’s always tired, but he still get still gets hard all the time when we’re laying in bed together, and then he doesn’t want me to do anything about it. And lately, I feel like I’ve been forcing him to have sex with me. And we discussed it, he said he feels pressured to do it and finish. And that broke my heart. So I told him I’ll wait until he’s ready again, and then he should start it. He said it might be a while, but I didn’t expect it to be a month and still nothing. Last weekend I tried it again, because I thought he could use a stress reliever from what’s happening at work. And he went with it, but I could see he wasn’t feeling it. And he didn’t finish, I practically had to beg him to try and stand and do it, he just kept telling me it’s not gonna change anything.

    I want to talk to him about it again, and that I know he doesn’t want to do it, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have the urge to do it. I want to ask that at least once in a while he blows me and I try blow him, not have sex, just blow each other. Until he feels like he can have sex again. It feels so weird to say that. This has really been getting me down, I’ve felt like he doesn’t want me anymore, that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, but he keeps reassuring me that it’s not the case. It’s his work bringing him down and affecting his mood and energy. It just feels like he might only have sex with me in 6 months from now. That he might forget entirely about sex. I like to have sex with him because I feel so close and connected to him, but now that he doesn’t show any interest in it, it doesn’t feel like it used to. Luckily he still touches me and makes me feel loved and wanted, so I know he still wants me.

    I’m just lost and confused. I’m scared it’s gonna be 6months or longer and he still won’t want to have sex. I don’t think it’s healthy for our relationship to not have sex for a long period of time. I’m scared of growing apart. I’m probably overreacting, but I don't want us to be that couple who only has sex on our anniversary once a year. I want us to be passionate about it again. I think now that he’s not going to work he might feel better, but I think the stress of finding a new job might get to him even more.

    What should I do? I don’t know how to go on with this situation or how to fix it. I’m scared if we leave it too long, he might not want it at all and forget about it, or I might burst and he won’t care and just say that I’m too obsessed with sex. All I want is to have a fun sex life where we try new things every once in a while and always finish.
    I could really use some advice about this.

    Thank you.
     
    #1 Male Streisand, May 13, 2019
  2. Daliahsun

    Daliahsun
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    I don’t have an answer for you, but I do want to tell you I’ve been there. And I’m experiencing something similar now.
    It’s not selfish to want sex. It’s a drive you feel. It’s a connection you crave. And it’s heartbreaking when you feel like your the only one interested. It makes you feel rejected, like maybe something is wrong with you.
    Different people have different sex drives and I know people end up in relationships where they aren’t well matched that way all the time.
    The problem is that neither of you is wrong. He shouldn’t have to feel pressured, and you shouldn’t have to be sex starved.
    I know for me... masterbation helps some but my eye wanders and I feel rejected and unhappy about it.
    I hope you find a good answer!
     
    #2 Daliahsun, May 14, 2019
  3. Lia444

    Lia444
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    Not sure if a women’s perspective will help but I would say to not pressure him, as if you’re not in the mood then you’re not in the mood and he will just feel worse. Instead try and help him relax and take his mind off the stress. So cosy nights in, bath or shower together, candle light, cook for him. Maybe spend a night or weekend away?
     
    #3 Lia444, May 15, 2019
  4. MzMrAlexa

    MzMrAlexa
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    That's tough and I think that many of us have been there (I know I certainly have). The truth is that while everyone say's leave work at work and home at home we all have a finite capacity for separating the two and if you're really stressed it bleeds over into everything else. For some it creates apathy and for others it creates extremes.

    While understanding that doesn't make it any easier, if the situation continues I would suggest that you and your boyfriend look and find ways to make changes in your life to reduce the stress levels and a job change might be necessary. It's hard to see the forest for the trees, but from what you're describing it sounds like your BF is in a toxic work environment that he has no control over and that that situation likely won't change anytime soon. If that is indeed the case and it's not one of those situations where things will change sometime in the foreseeable future (as in waiting it out for a new boss/manager because they get moved around every so often), then he might want to consider looking at other career options and working towards them.

    In other words start focusing on the things that you can change instead of the things that you can't, even if it doesn't seem like you have many options. That may sound a little futile, especially if things are tough all around, but it is also empowering and the act of doing so in itself can make a world of difference because now instead of the stress just building up you now have a place to put that energy where you might be able to effect a positive change. (in other words just the act alone can be helpful in getting rid of stress... similar to being stuck in traffic and taking the long way around, it still may take longer to get to your destination, but at least your moving).

    One more thing that I've found helps me is the old saying "This too shall pass". So when things are tough remember that sooner or later they will get better and that often helps to let go of some of the negative, and by the same token remembering this when things are great helps remind us to live in and appreciate the moment as well. Hope this helps!
     
    #4 MzMrAlexa, May 18, 2019
    Last edited: May 18, 2019
  5. smha2041

    smha2041
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    Hello,

    I have had a similar experience in the past. My boyfriend at the time, was losing interest in sex and it would become less frequent. At one point he said that he had low sex drive, and on another occasion said I was sex obsessed. We would have sex once a month and sometimes go as long as two months without sex, I was always the one initiating it. I patiently waited but either way I wasn't feeling good about the situation and was getting frustrated. Against my better judgment, I suggested to open the relationship in the hopes that it would spice things up. Here is what I discovered:
    - His sex drive shot over the roof
    - I hated the fact that my boyfriend was getting it on with other guys, I really felt that I was the problem (I wasn't)
    - Eventually he admitted that he enjoys having multiple sex partners, but he still loved me. (This point really fucked with my head!)
    - We started having sex on a regular basis (but I kept questioning if this arrangement was worth it)
    I tried my best to accept this and enjoy it, in reality I was very miserable. While open relationships work for some couples, I knew that it wasn't for me. I eventually told him I wasn't happy with this and asked to be monogamous again. He pushed back that he's happy with this, and that I was also benefiting from it (by having regular sex). Not being satisfied with the current situation, I broke up with him a week later (I am skipping through a lot btw).

    Lessons learned:
    - Don't be ashamed for wanting sex frequently. Also if I want it, I should ask for it instead of hoping my partner would notice.
    - Speak up about it, and try to work with my partner on the issue. If he's still not interested and not willing to acknowledge the issue, then maybe this is not the right relationship.
    - Don't try to change the rules or patch them up instead of working at the root cause of the issue. (i.e. don't have a baby thinking it will save a marriage)

    I think these lessons apply to anything shared in a relationship. But it really comes down to clear communications and being on the same page with your partner. I wish you best of luck.
     
    #5 smha2041, May 23, 2019
    MzMrAlexa likes this.
  6. Lover83

    Lover83
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    Wow! From you description you must be an amazing girlfriend, I got jealous just reading what you wrote...
    Anyway, my best guess is that there is nothing wrong with you. He might be clinically depressed and until that is resolved his sex drive will be very low. If you love him give him some time and advice him to see a doctor.
    Or maybe he is not interested in you anymore...
    Hope is the first one because you really do sound like an amazing girlfriend
     
    #6 Lover83, Jun 8, 2019
  7. gayfish96

    gayfish96
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    I second this.

    If I had a BF, I would hold his hand, kiss him, give him a big hug every time I see him, give him a bath, rub his back, rub his feet, make him dinner, ask him about his day, put on a movie.

    If he rejected all that, I wouldn't be able to keep from breaking down in tears. I can do without sex, but not without intimacy. It brings up memories of when straight guys would use me for sex.
     
    #7 gayfish96, Jun 11, 2019
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