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boyfriend committed suicide

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Tyler N, Sep 14, 2017.

  1. Tyler N

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    about 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend (I guess technically ex boyfriend) of 2 years committed suicide. Since that day, my depression has spiraled down, and I haven't come out of my room but 4 times. I can't help but feel like I made him do it, I broke up with him 2 days before he did it. I just can't get that thought out of my head, "you made him do it" "you killed him" I don't even know if I can take any more. Any advice would help I guess.
     
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  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey Tyler N,

    I'm so sorry to hear this.:frowning2: Suicide is always very tragic.

    Something that you have to keep in mind is that suicide, in my opinion, is a personal decision and there is normally a significant history of depression for a person before they even attempt suicide. You certainly didn't cause his suicide and you're certainly not responsible for it.

    Do you have access to a grief counselor or other professional therapist? That kind of support can really help you in dealing with this.
     
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  3. S i l a s

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    Oh my God,
    Big Hugh for you. I am not come from a very modern life with clinical or professional therapist counselor so I don't know the culture of consultation. But I trust to the God and this life is a blessing, life is a gift that we must do the good things. God is over there, watch us forever!
     
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  4. silverhalo

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    Hey that's a really tough thing to deal with. I totally get why you feel responsibility but it really wasn't your fault, people are responsible for their own actions and there must have been other long standing mental health issues for him to have done that. Anyone at any point is completely within their right to end a relationship if that is what they want to do.

    I agree with getting yourself a therapist, you could really use some professional help to work through this.
     
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  5. PatrickUK

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    I'm really sorry to hear about your loss and it's totally understandable that you are struggling to cope right now, but it's really important that you refrain from blaming yourself, because it was not your fault that he died by suicide. No one person is ever responsible for another's decision to end their life.

    Suicide is an incredibly complex issue and people kill themselves when a whole number of distressing factors combine and the floodgates open. Your decision to end the relationship would not have been the single contributing factor and even if you'd stayed together the pre-existing vulnerabilities that your (ex) boyfriend was experiencing would have still bubbled up to the surface. Being in a relationship does not and cannot prevent suicide. We may wish to believe otherwise, but it's sadly incorrect to do so.

    The grief and sense of loss is understandable and you may be asking yourself why he did it. You may never know the precise answer to that question, but he didn't do it because of you. If we go along with that line of thought it suggests we have enough power over another person to stop them doing anything and that's just not true.

    Please don't suffer alone in silence. Talk to someone and consult a therapist if it's overwhelming for you.

    If you would like some resources to read, I can send them across to you. Just let me know.
     
    #5 PatrickUK, Sep 14, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2017
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  6. Aure

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    Sometimes bad things happen and you can't control them. Just think in the butterfly effect. You can be back and change that but another thing could happen instead.
    It must be really hard to lose someone and even more if it's a suicide. You have to be focus on healing, don't let the blame take control of you. Like I said, we can not avoid bad things.
    Imagine that in the world die by suicide thousands of people. All of these people have a reason to commit suicide. Sometimes it's an impulsive act or sometimes something premeditated. All those people have family and friends (a few are completely alone) and all of them feel blame after. Could have been avoided if I had done this or this...? Yes, It could be avoided if you are an abusive person or something like that and that is the reason which he or she commited suicide but in most of cases..it is not their fault. We are humans, we take decisions and we can not control pain and suffering.
    I can not imagine how hard it must be for you but I send you lots of hugs and courage to heal this pain.
     
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  7. BrookeVL

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    I'm really sorry to read this. Pick your head up, it was NOT your fault.
     
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  8. Creativemind

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    I'm going to leave a better comment on this:

    Sorry you're going through this right now, OP. Just know that it is not your fault. Your ex probably suffered from some kind of depression and would have ended things even if you never broke up. It may have just been unfortunate timing and there's nothing you could have done.

    You sound like a good guy, and may I suggest therapy to help you with your grief?
     
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  9. gravechild

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    Look, you didn't point a gun to his head and force him to. Chances are, he was already going through his own issues and breaking up might or might not have added to those. Without more information, its hard to say why he did what he did.

    You've been hit with a double whammy, basically experiencing what people who break up and lose a person close to them. Please don't hesitate to get help.
     
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  10. Gravity

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    Just to echo what some people have said - first, talking about this with others, whether here on EC, with friends (maybe mutual friends), or with a counselor, are all excellent ideas. Definitely don't keep this to yourself.

    As far as your (ex) boyfriend, though - I'm terribly sorry to hear that all of this happened in the way it did, and that you're now feeling like you caused it. It's entirely normal for friends and family of a person who commits suicide to feel guilty in some way, even if they really didn't have any interaction to the person leading up to the suicide. It is important to remember, though, that people break up every day, and not all of them commit suicide - in fact, the vast majority of them don't. Chances are, whether people realized this or not, there was more going on here - perhaps things your boyfriend wasn't telling anybody about. It's incredibly tragic that nobody knew about these things, or that the right people didn't know. But there's nothing that anybody can do to change that now.

    In the meantime, you were part of something good in his life. Try to take comfort in that. And again, if you can talk with people about this, especially people who knew you both, I would absolutely recommend it.
     
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  11. wickedwitch

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    Hi Tyler:

    I'm very sorry for your loss.

    I'd encourage you to read and re-read what PatrickUK has written whenever the thoughts or feelings of being responsible for your friend's actions come to the surface.

    I'm pretty long in the tooth and after many years of volunteering with (and living with) people who struggle with addictions and mental health issues, I can tell you for certain that we simply *do not* have control over other people's behaviour, one way or another, whether they decide to do something helpful or harmful for or to themselves.

    So you ARE NOT to blame.

    Like Patrick says, suicide is a very complex issue and leaves a tremendous effect on those left behind. I'd encourage you to seek some support for yourself through a counselor or therapist. You do not need to be alone with this.

    Sending big hugs.
     
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  12. Tyler N

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