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Bottom shame

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Dec 20, 2018.

  1. PaulKM

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    Hi I am new here but want to say tgst I totally understand. I have only just got involved with a man I love and have only had sex with him for the past 6 months. I was so anxious about who would be top and who the bottom. I became so anxious that I was unable to perform at all. Now I no longer pressure myself. I love this guy deeply but need to know what I am willing to do and what I am comfortable with. For too long I lived in a sexual fantasy world which did not help me when it came to real relationships, now I try to be as real and genuine as I can.
     
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  2. Laconian

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    Thanks to all for this thread. I find it incredibly helpful as I struggle to accept being gay. Bottom shame is a significant part of that struggle. I grew up hearing that it’s only the guy on the bottom who’s queer. I’m still very new to all this and have only really done oral with another man. The concept of a power bottom who is taking a dominant role was new to me, but makes a lot of sense. I’m looking forward to exploring this when I find a trusted partner
     
  3. I'mStillStanding

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    This! Is! Truth! After my first time (literally within moments after), I laughed. My “tutor” was very confused at this outburst of emotion because evidentially laughter isn’t something that is often used to express yourself after sex! Anyway he was like what on earth, all I could say was... well that proves it God made me to take a ___! He burst out laughing with me and we talked for a while. There was some validation in that expirence, like that was the final end all answer to the question on my sexuality (even though I’d already came out to everyone).

    Thank you @TrailDog for mentioning her, I’ve watched one of her ted talks on YouTube (Brene Brown) I laughed and cried! She’s amazing... if your struggling with shame go watch the shame one!
     
  4. Gayhusband

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    How many “bottoms” have ejaculated from the mere thrusting motion of your “top” partner? If you haven’t experienced it you are in for thrill. My ex/partner would tell me not too touch myself at all while he was thrusting. He wouldn’t touch me either (except for the penetration) and to balance himself while thrusting. After A few moments to relax, the rhythmic pounding against my g-spot would entice the most toe curling orgasm I have ever had. I’d beg him not to ejaculate so I could continue to orgasm multiple times before he would just once. No BS! I admit his large penis size was a huge factor, as he was able to reach very deeply inside of me which for me was a “huge plus” .
     
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  5. Contented

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    Count me as one for sure. I started out as a vers top and slowly became a vers bottom for that exact reason. I completely understand those that are exclusive bottoms now. It has nothing to do with dominance and everything to do with pure pleasure.
     
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  6. I'mStillStanding

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    Yup! It’s fantastic. Also, the multiply orgasms, I don’t know why so many people don’t realize men can have them! Research... Practice... Worth it!
     
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  7. Desertcat

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    What is a "Bottom" or a "Top" these designations seem to be ridiculous? Why label yourself? Does this mean that you are the performer of oral or that you are the one who is literally getting it up the "botttom?" Why can't one do/be both?
     
  8. I'mStillStanding

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    You don’t have to use a label for sure. Some prefer too, I do! It saves on any confusion. A bottom is the receiver during anal sex and top is the giver. Oral is separate; there are both who like to give and some who don’t. There is also verse which does both (bottom and top). Then verse top which is normally top but can bottom at times and verse bottom again generally bottoms but can top.
     
  9. Desertcat

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    Why can't one do both? And why the "shame?"
     
  10. I'mStillStanding

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    Some can, but not everyone likes the same things. I prefer to bottom, that is actually all I’ve done with a guy. Some guys have no desire to bottom and that’s their preference.

    The shame part comes into shame of sexuality. It’s different for different people. It can be due religious teachings, family and social pressures, history of abuse... those are just a few. This is not reserved to the gay community either... a lot of straight people have shame when it comes to their sexuality as it relates to sexual desires.
     
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  11. Rade

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    I'm new to this, in general terms a top is the giver and the bottom receives!!! I stupidly thought it was about positions!

    I've recently been a top for the first time, I was a bit nervous but it felt right so I got on with it. It was incredible!!! But I want to be a bottom too, that also makes me anxious until I get used to it!! So much to learn.....
    I think it's important to talk about this subject, especially for us newbees....
     
    #51 Rade, Jan 4, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2019
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  12. Nickw

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    I like both. My thing is that I feel everything should be on the table (or the sofa or hood of my jeep). I don't want to define sexual roles because it is so great to be able to switch it up
    And experience it all.
     
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  13. Rade

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    I was talking with a guy who likes fisting and a screwdriver, I'm completely freaked out and I've blocked him. I'm very open minded but he knew I'm recently out. It feels like some guys look for vulnerable newbees like me......
    What's wrong with some gentle love and sex?
     
    #53 Rade, Jan 5, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2019
  14. PatrickUK

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    Well, that's taking things to a totally different level.
     
  15. Dionysios

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    Good grief, that's certainly taking intimacy to a whole new level! Sounds like the guy is a frustrated proctologist! *laugh* Thank goodness you discovered it now. It seems that a lot of guys have some curious fetishes. Don't get discouraged. In every garden with flowers there are plenty of weeds. You have to keep looking my friend! *smile*
     
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  16. Contented

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    To me bottoming is a true expression of passion and love. I dont equate it with those bizarre practices. For me it the intimate connection with my BF our bodies as one as we experience orgasm together further bonding us together.
     
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  17. Nickw

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    I think there is a element of predatory behavior you have to be careful of when hooking up. It's yet another reason to be so careful with how we use hookup apps.

    There's nothing wrong with wanting gentle love and sex and I think you will find that a lot of guys do.

    You own your experiences and don't need to settle for something you are not comfortable with just to get off.
     
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  18. I'mStillStanding

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    I’m not even sure what screwdriver is??? I have a feeling it’s not vodka and orange juice... I remember when I first went on the app it was to make friends and chat. One guy I had been chatting with asked if I was into watersports... my reply was I love to jet skis and tubing... I haven’t been to the lake in forever... well we were both disappointed after the clarification and I was really freaked out. Another time I was going to hang with a guy and he asked if I had any ice I could bring, I was like I literally live 30 minutes away it’s so hot it’s gonna melt I can grab a bag at Walmart no problem. The plans quickly feel through. A few weeks later I was with mom at a doctors appointment and over these two ladies discussing the boyfriend of one’s daughter. He had been arrested for making some type of meth they called ice. I said way to loudly so that’s why he cancelled our hookup because he wanted drugs and I thought he meant actually ice... I told him I didn’t do drugs! Everyone stared at me I laughed nervously and went back to my magazine from 2009.

    I try not to judge others, I also encourage others to approach newbies and naive people like myself a little differently lol
     
  19. Rade

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    The screwdriver Is literally a screwdriver used as an extreme sex toy I think!! stopped talking to him after that...
    Not my thing.....
    It all part of learning on the app!! Filtering people out.
    I've met two nice guys but one is very occasionally and the other once a week. I'm looking for something a bit more frequently, so keep looking for now.....when I've had enough will take a break from the app. My running and children are very important and my local LGBT community....Jon
     
  20. I'mStillStanding

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    Wait... what?! That can’t be right... that seems extremely dangerous! Like not at all safe or even safe adjacent! Oh! Ok! Yup! Doesn’t seem safe!