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Bottom dysphoria and expectations of being trans

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kodo, Jun 15, 2019.

  1. Kodo

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    Hi all.

    I just wanted to make a thread about bottom dysphoria and the expectations of being trans as this is something that has been on my mind. When I was earlier in transition, I had the idea that I would get all of the surgeries offered to trans men. So far I have been on testosterone for a year and half, and had top surgery last month. People always ask me what surgeries I’ve had or am planning to have and honestly it’s a loaded question.

    I heard a common experience among trans men is that your dysphoria can shift to other parts of your body, such as having worse bottom dysphoria after top surgery. I used to be really insecure about my lack of a dick, for loss of better words. But as my transition went on my comfort in my body overall has kind of overridden that. Of course, I wish I had been born with one. But as I have researched phalloplasty and the other bottom surgeries I got scared. It still feels experimental to me and while the results sometimes turn out really well, there are so many possible complications that could happen. Also I really don’t want the RF scar from phalloplasty on my arm.

    I just got past the initial recovery of top surgery, and I was in a lot of pain. I cried almost every day from pain for the first week. I cannot imagine being in and out of the hospital over the course of a year or more having the multiple surgeries. The pain would just be too much for me. Not to mention I have no support from family to help me through the process.

    While I know the whole “trans enough” thing is a load of shit, I still feel like I am expected - as a trans man - to get bottom surgery as the final step to becoming a “real” man. It is always the question I am asked or the question people ask my friends. “What surgeries has he had?” But it almost seems like what they really want to know is whether I have a dick and if not when am I going to get one. I have been told multiple times things like “if God had wanted you to be a man he would have given you a penis.” Even the masculinity of cis men is called into question based on their size.

    The thing is, if it was just me alone I wouldn’t care about not having a dick. It’s just that there is so much pressure from society and even in some parts of the trans community that my transition isn’t complete until I have the final surgery. I am happy with using a prosthetic for sex, but in my everyday life packing just feels like a bother. I just don’t really know how to feel about it all because everywhere around me there is so much pressure to conform to the “ideal” cisgender body.

    TLDR;
    So while I do not experience a lot of bottom dysphoria, I feel like I should still be wanting bottoms surgery because that is what is expected of trans men. How do you navigate the expectations of being trans in regard to bottom surgery - both in your private and public life?

    Also this thread is not only directed at trans men, anyone feel free to add.
     
  2. Flynn S

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    My experience has been very similar to yours. I started off expecting I'd get all the surgeries and then after T and top decided the results of current options for bottom surgery weren't really worth it.

    That seems to be a very common question trans people are asked and I get that people are curious, but that question is not only transphobic and unreasonably invasive (imagine the look you'd get if you asked a cis person what they had in their pants) but shows the ignorance people have of transgender surgeries. They treat it as if you can walk into any hospital and walk out a couple hours later looking like Thor.

    What I think a lot of people don't understand is that bottom surgery is incredibly expensive, often not covered by insurance, hard to get medical approval for, painful, inconvenient, and the current procedures are not that good - in any case some functionality is lost. Sometimes I wish people knew more about these things, but at the same time I worry that it would only add to the argument that "trans men aren't real men."

    I don't pack for reasons related to my mental health, but every time I admit that to another trans guy I get weird looks, as if my transness is called into question because I don't pack. I can't count the number of times both men and women have talked about penis size. The idea that your masculinity is based on your size is not only something men uphold but women too. I've never been in a romantic relationship before and I think this is a large part of why. Even post top and T I still don't feel "enough" of a man to be seen in any sort of sexual/romantic way.

    I don't think there's anything wrong not wanting bottom surgery or being reluctant to have it. I actually think there's a large portion of trans men who opt not to get bottom surgery at all.
     
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  3. Crisalide

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    It's your precious body. Don't go through anything with the body just to please someone else or pressured by society. Otherwise you would regret it.
     
  4. BradThePug

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    Yeah, there are a lot of expectations when it comes to transgender men and bottom surgery it always does seem like people expect everybody to do it. Bottom surgery was always something that I never wanted. When I told people that the only things I want done was top surgery and a histo, they are always surprised. Some even go as far as asking why I transitioned if I was not going to get the surgery. I think it comes down to the obsession that some have with "having the right parts". We even see this in some states law. Some states you cannot get the sex on your birth certificate changed if you have not had bottom surgery.

    As for the original part of the question, I would do what makes you comfortable. If you don't want to have the surgery, then it is not something that you have to do. You shouldn't let others expectations determine what you want to do with your body.
     
    #4 BradThePug, Jun 15, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
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