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Born with a Curse

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by DAXIII, Aug 8, 2015.

  1. DAXIII

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    Being gay is a curse, there is simply no other word to describe it. My life would have been much easier and clearer if I were straight.

    So far I hate it more than anything else and the more I expose myself to them the more I hate it. It feels like men were only meant to be with women and that men are incapable of loving other men.

    But these damn feelings keep arising inside of me. I can't stop from looking at guys or being attracted to them. It's pain. Why try to engage in something that was never meant to happen in the first place? Their love is fake, it doesn't really exist.

    Is there any way of dealing with such a blight upon ones existence?
     
  2. resu

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    Being gay is neither good nor bad. The only negatives are from social/religious discrimination by some people, and it seems you've internalized a lot of that negativity. It's quite easy to find examples of men who love men in long-term relationships (even marriages now). Who are you to say that their love is fake? IMO, you should try to see how to reframe your sexuality from a curse into a blessing. It's all about mindset.
     
  3. DAXIII

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    There is no way to do that. What exactly about being gay is a blessing?
     
  4. InLoveWithAGirl

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    As far as the blessing, I think what they meant is you need to accept your feelings and then start enjoying them.

    Like one blessing of being in a same-sex relationship is that you might understand your partner's mind better. Like, for me as a lesbian, I understand really well how sensitive girl's can be, while I've noticed that the guys I dated (tried very hard to be strait for a while) just didn't get it.

    Another blessing is that you will understand your partner's body because it is very similar to yours. You can, excuse me for saying this, pleasure them very well because you will know what makes that type of body react.

    Furthermore, accepting it means that your inner turmoil won't be as prevalent. You will feel better, happier, more secure and less stressed because the worry will turn from 'god i hate being this way!'to 'oh crap I'm late to my date! It's a good thing my partner is so understanding'
     
  5. DAXIII

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    But I cannot, my feelings are the very thing causing me distress. There is nothing to enjoy about them, they are something that I dread.

    As for the blessing, PLEASE! I have Asperger's, I have no idea how the mind of someone else works.

    As for the body, it is not similar to mine at all. No amount of touch from someone else get's me off, I usually have to use my imagination or do it myself in the end. But when I touch them they seem to go wild at some places, not me. So no, you are most incorrect in your statements.
     
  6. InLoveWithAGirl

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    Well, it was really meant in general. I don't know you personally so I didn't completely understand. And I apologize if that was inconsiderate.

    I just wanted to clarify some good points because there is usually something good that can come of things.

    And about your feelings being the cause of your distress, that is exactly why you have to work through them and accept them. Or reject them, but if they are true feelings, they wont be rejected so easily.
     
  7. DAXIII

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    They are true feelings, but I try my best to remind myself that such things are impossible to happen.
     
  8. CodeForLife

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    I don't think there's necessarily anything special about being born gay. It seems that you've justified to yourself over time though that being gay is bad. I'm not sure it's good or bad, it just is.

    Obviously, you'll have more struggles in the world. But the real question is, is it worse to suppress the truth and brood about it for the rest of your life or accept yourself for who you are, stand in your truth, and just deal with it head on. I personally think the lesser of two evils (I use that word loosely here...) is the option: accept yourself for who you are and move forward.

    I can't say that I'm best at following this advice though. I'm past the point of acceptance. Yes, I'm gay. But I really don't want everyone around me to perceive me differently because of this, so I feel really uncomfortable telling anyone I know this. I, myself, know this to be the truth though. Right now, that's enough, but it's getting harder to feel normal around people when I feel like I'm living a lie on the outside.
     
  9. Andrew99

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    Being gay is a blessing because it makes us different and stand out from society. It's no different then being 7 feet tall or 3 feet tall.

    You can choose to hate yourself and your life will be miserable but if u just love yourself then things won't be so bad. If people aren't nice to you because of it then stand up for yourself and don't change for anyone! Hold your head up high. :thumbsup:

    Look I know the struggles about worrying if you won't be accepted by someone but if you're not then fuck um! You're better off without them! If you can surround yourself by people who make you feel good about yourself. Is there someone holding you back is there a ton of people holding you back? Or do you just not wanna be gay because you don't think it's "normal"? Because we can't all be the same. Life would be boring if we were.
     
  10. DAXIII

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    Standing out would not be a blessing especially when it gets me nowhere with anyone. Being gay makes that a curse as well as having aspergers. How can I possible love a blight upon existence? If everyone was the same then we wouldn't have any problems in the world. I wouldn't have to play the guessing game with people and I would not have to worry about rejection. To think of it as boring is selfish.
     
  11. AKTodd

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    There are no curses, there are no blessings, there are only events. Existence has no meaning and no purpose except those you choose to impose upon it. Therefore it is meaningless to talk about what is or is not 'meant to be'.

    Why are you feeling so negative about your feelings? Hatred doesn't simply spontaneously appear out of nothing and for no reason - so what is the cause of your negative feelings on this matter?

    Also, you might consider that your negative feelings about your sexuality, or just sheer tension, are making it hard for you to get off with another guy. The most important sex organ you have is between your ears.

    As far as same-sex love being fake - I've been in love with another man for almost 20 years now. You can try to argue that my feelings are 'fake', but I'd have to wonder what your basis for comparison is or how you can objectively state that you know what I'm feeling or how those feelings are any less real (or even different) than what a straight person feels.

    Todd
     
  12. DAXIII

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    Because what they want in the end is sex or to use you in some way. There is no possibility for love in the end.

    As for getting off, it's always been that way. I can't get off purely from other guys. I need to use my imagination to get the job done. I'm better off doing the job myself.

    Hatred is an everlasting wellspring from which it is eternally sustained. BUt if you want to name a source, it would have to be the gay community.
     
  13. AKTodd

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    First of all, I would note that you haven't actually responded in any way to my pointing that I do love someone of the same gender. You totally ignored that part and simply moved on like I hadn't said anything on the matter. Which doesn't help your case any, really.

    Second, people wanting to have sex is hardly limited to the gay male population. A major chunk of straight culture is all about having sex and lots of it with no strings attached. So being straight would gain you little or nothing if that aspect of things is what's bothering you.

    Third, even when people start out having sex, it can lead to love. That's true whether you're talking gay or straight people.

    Fourth, while it's possible that some people may try to use you, that is not a given. If you are encountering that a lot (and how much experience have you actually had with this, really?), then I would suggest that you take a different approach to meeting people. How are you currently meeting people now? There are lots of possible ways, but some work better than others for the goal you seem to be looking for, which seems to be meeting and falling in love with someone, possibly holding off on sex for a bit.

    I also find it fairly difficult to get off due to the efforts of someone else. Some people find it easier than others. I've come to treat sex with another as another type of experience that has its own enjoyments that I can't get from masturbation alone, while masturbation has its own set of pleasures that I don't generally get from being with another person. Treat sex with another as being about the pleasure of the moment rather than as just something done to get to an orgasm and it's a lot more fun.

    That said, I would still argue that a big part of your issue here is your feelings about being gay. If you are unhappy about wanting to have sex with men, then it seems likely that those feelings are going to interfere with your pleasure when you are actually having sex with men.

    A poetic, but non-content bearing statement. The gay community encompasses millions of people and I doubt you've met them all or even a significant number. In addition, the 'community' is as diverse and different in its individual components as any other group, including any significant population of straight people. So, making all encompassing statements of this sort really doesn't accomplish anything.

    What - specifically - has the gay community as a whole done to make you unhappy?

    Todd
     
  14. DAXIII

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    Because I have been used by the community at large. I'm just another body to them. Every guy I have met online or in real life is only into the physical. When they tire of that I'm left behind. When I used to date women I found them to be far more in me for me rather than my appearance. But in the community I'm just a piece of meat. I've been used for sex or to help people when others wouldn't, only to be cast aside. They say it's diverse but in my experience they're all the same. Not to mention the pressure to look like some kind of male model.

    As for hating being gay, that never stopped the pleasure I felt with men. Ever. I just felt awful after the fact, because I caved into the need instead of staying strong.

    People start out having sex but that is not love nor does it lead to it. It just makes me a tool to be used for their pleasure. The love you speak of is just physical.
     
  15. MZRaven

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    Well for one thing you need to just accept yourself for who you are and how you feel. Fighting it is just going to make the feeling stronger. Just because you feel a certain way however does not mean you have to act on those feelings.

    I am wondering if you are a Christian or come from a religious background. Many times those old messages play in our heads telling us how evil and sinful we are when it is simply not true.
     
  16. OGS

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    I would definitely say that it has been a blessing in my life. It's enabled me to look at societal frameworks with a fresh eye, it's made me more empathetic and frankly it's brought a lot of wonderful people into my life. I've been an active member of the community you so rigorously dismiss for over twenty years and I have to say my experience has been almost entirely positive. I've found gay people to be kind, generous, loyal, romantic and fun. I haven't met all of them I suppose but of my unscientific sampling of probably a couple thousand the results have been good so far.

    And frankly I take a great deal of offense at the notion that the love I share with my partner of 17 years is "fake."
     
  17. DAXIII

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    Well suffice to say your version is not reality, at least not mine. They are fake, even the so called love is fake. All they want is a body beside them, they don't care about anything else. I have meet people who have used me for the first time in my life and it was awful. I'm just a convenience to them and nothing else. Being gay left me struggling through high school and college with being friends with guys without being attracted to them. The communities I have been a part of just make me feel excluded for not liking the things they do. I have more in common with straight people then I do with gay guys but then those attractions come in to ruin it.

    It's been a curse in my life. If I had a choice or there was a procedure to make me different I would take it in a heartbeat. Why on earth would people be proud of this?
     
  18. AKTodd

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    Perhaps you should consider meeting people through other means. Instead of trying to meet people for the sole purpose of either sex or a relationship, try meeting people based on common interests or purpose and see what develops from there. Have you tried Meetup groups? Sports teams? Community centers? Charities? Churches? Political activism?

    As far as looking like a male model - while there are some guys like that and a subset of the community who really care about that kind of thing - there are a many more who don't or don't all that much.

    I would also point out that being very concerned with appearance is hardly unique to gay men. Plenty of straight people are also very much into that.

    It seems to me that you're actually talking about two different things here. On the one hand you talk about not being able to find a relationship. Yet here you talk about having gay sex as somehow being some sort of failure on your part. How is being gay and having gay sex being weak and how is resisting your urges being strong? There's nothing wrong with gay sex, so why try to not have it?

    On a related note - unless you are a truly amazing actor, it seems likely that your negative feelings after having sex (which presumably pop up after each occurrence, even if with the same person) may be quite apparent to the person you're with and contribute to things only going so far and then breaking up. I don't know you and haven't seen your interactions with these people obviously - but in my experience, very few people are so incredibly good at hiding their feelings that no one ever picks up on them.

    Perhaps if you came to accept and enjoy your existence as a gay man, it might help you in other areas as well.

    I had sex with my husband within hours of meeting him, and eventually that led to love, and I still love him very much nearly 20yrs later.

    That said, if you don't want to start out by having sex then don't. See above re other potential ways of meeting people that might or might not lead to a relationship but would certainly involve you interacting with them as people for some time before any possibility of sex could appear.

    Beyond that, unless you have heretofore unmentioned and un-demonstrated telepathic powers, it is functionally impossible for you to know whether or not gay people are or are not feeling love as you define it. For that matter, you can't know that about straight people either.

    Todd
     
  19. DAXIII

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    I have meet guys through other means but it always turns out the same way, being used for sex or they will only talk to me if I look passable or above. Lets not forget that as soon as I open my mouth to talk about what I think they walk away. No one wants to hear my interests and thoughts.

    As for my feelings, I'm an expert at keeping them hidden. No one knows what lurks beneath the surface.

    THERE IS NOTHING TO ENJOY ABOUT THIS! It has made my life a living hell.
     
  20. Invidia

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    I'm sorry to hear that you have suffered from your own sexuality.

    But first, let me take the time to say, that your experience, that is, very negative and pessimistic, is in no way representative of the average queer life experience.

    Second, repeating negative thoughts to yourself will not help you. And insulting the entire community e.g. by saying that "[Gay] love is fake, it doesn't really exist" will likewise do you no favors.

    There are much better ways to go about improving your life situation.