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Body Issues In The Gay Community

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by BehindTheAura, Jul 17, 2016.

  1. BehindTheAura

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    Hello there, I had been in a relationship with a guy for a month and it was alright when it started. We had broken up last week and he recently revealed that the reason that he dumped me was because I was too fat for him to flaunt me as a boyfriend. I was fine with the breakup, but that comment has stuck with me all week and it's been making me worried about future relationships when I move to college.

    I've always been a chubby kid, (currently 18 years old, around 215), so I've always had body issues but this really destroyed me. It's not like I've been just letting myself go, I've done tons of sports and working out for the past 3 months and I won't lose any of the weight. Also, my family is a naturally large family so I knew it was going to be a struggle but I have lost hope for ever being skinny. Because of this, it worries me because it makes me feel like I'm going to be dealing with this all my life as I can't get the weight off and the whole gay male stereotype is a semi-muscled stud and that's obviously not me. I don't know what to do, I don't want to hate myself and my body but it just seems that it's useless if I'm not fitting that mold. Of course, I've dreamed about being this trim, muscular guy but it seems like it's all stacked against me...
     
  2. Gleeko0

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    I'm not chubby. But I am not athletic, and far from that actually. I have a lot of body hair, and I mean a lot of it. I don't shave, at best I trim a bit. I have body deformations such as stretch marks and others in other parts, including very specific parts. Some things are a choice (such as not shaving), other not so much such as my prototype potbelly, and others are completely beyond my control like some marks and general aspects.

    I used to care and worry a lot, you know. But guess what? If someone gets to the point of being intimate with you they will hardly pull always and/or care about details, including the being chubby part. And if they do, well, thats a shame because they will surely miss a lot.

    You must be comfortable with yourself first and foremost. I don't think its healthy if your motivation to lose weight comes from you feeling compelled to lose weight because of other people. Thats something that must come from you. I am not talking about health issues because if its a health thing, then yes you should lose weight, but if it is not, and you feel comfortable with yourself, why care about other people? There are 7 billion souls on this earth, several million in your country alone, do you genuinely think someone will not enjoy and like you physically just the way you are? If your boyfriend doesn't, someone else will.

    Well, again, I'm not at all athletic, but I'm not chubby, so I can't know exactly how you feel about this, so I'm commenting in a general sense. If it helps in anyway, in a physical sense I sincerely don't feel attracted to guys that are too skinny or even skinny, quite the opposite actually. So here I am lol, we can take it as one practical example.

    TL;DR: Stereotypes suck. Be yourself and stay comfortable with yourself. If your bf doesn't like you the way you are, someone else will.
     
    #2 Gleeko0, Jul 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2016
  3. A Mindful Wolf

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    What. The. Fuck.
    What a trashy thing to say!! Good riddance! You're not an object to be flaunted! If he was concerned about your weight the decent thing to do is offer help and see how you take it, not do what he did.
     
  4. Gravity

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    I think one angle here may be simply how the judgment was delivered to you. Breaking up is hard, it always comes with a sense of rejection, and to have criticism leveled at you when you're particularly vulnerable makes it all the more likely to stick - and hurt. Couple it with the fact that you were already concerned about the subject, and I'm not surprised that it's sticking around in your head like it is. But, try to remind yourself as much as possible - this was all part of the breakup, and the more you disentangle yourself from the hurt and rejection there, the less this will bother you.

    Also, since you mention going to college, just wanted to throw in a plug - don't worry about this holding you back. It sounds like a cliche, but for real, your life is about to change in a hundred ways, and you'll have a ton of opportunities to meet new people and have new experiences, which is just about one of the best ways to get over a breakup and all that comes with it. :slight_smile:
     
  5. resu

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    It says a lot about his priorities if he just wants a boyfriend to show off to, and it's likely he also has some self-worth issues if he felt insecure being with you. From what I've noticed, the gay community often suffers (just like straight people) from a preoccupation with narrow body standards, not representing the true diversity. I would stay you missed the bullet here, so just get back up and shake the dust off your feet. Take this relationship as a "lesson learned" so you find a guy who is not so judgmental about looks and appreciates you for both your external and inner beauty. Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder (and most beholders' "preferences" are actually reflections of their social environment).
     
  6. midwestgirl89

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    Wow that guy is a real a-hole. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. In the gay community, there are plenty of gay men (and bi men) that are not super in shape or bulky with muscles. They come in all shapes and sizes. I have some gay/bi male friends and none of them are really in shape. Two of them would be considered overweight. They have all been on dates and have met some good friends during college. There are some shallow people in the LGBT community but who needs those punks.

    You're good enough as who you are right now and you don't need to change just because some guy was really mean to you. If you want to make a change in your life, make it for yourself and not for anyone else.

    Body insecurities are hard to deal with so I can see how that comment could really bother you. Remember that your body is good enough just the way it is. If this becomes too much to handle and his comment and stuff really becomes a burden for you going into college, there are often free counseling services once you get into college that you can talk to.
     
  7. GayBoyBG

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    At the end of the day, loving yourself is with higher priority than other people loving you for who you are. Ignore.
     
  8. Gunsmoke

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    Man, what a dick. You're not an object!

    I'm not going to lie and say that there are no body issues within the LGBTQ community, but they are not - from what I have seen - any more exclusive to us than they are to straight people.

    The thing is that everybody, literally everybody, has things about their physical appearance that would be seen as "undesirable", no matter how confident in their body that person is. Personally, I have strange knees, ugly feet, a pale scar on my face, and I look weird in my glasses whenever I have to wear them - that's just to name a few. But some people think I'm pretty, and in that same way, a lot of people will think that you're good looking, too. If somebody truly cares for you, they won't give a damn about extra body weight, in fact, a lot of people like that kind of thing.
     
  9. Creativemind

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    What an asshole. Not liking chubby dudes is his preference, but he shouldn't have dated you if he knew it would be a problem.

    Some people have narrow body standards, but both straight women and gay men get the worst from it from their partners, I guess because men are more visual and play into the media. There are definitely shallow women, don't get me wrong, but I felt that as a whole they are more likely to overlook flaws.

    I am overweight and I have high confidence in myself. The only reason my weight bugs me is the fear of unhealthiness, although I do try to work out and eat well. However, I never thought I was unattractive and sometimes because of that, even people who don't prefer fat people like me. Confidence is something you need to get first and foremost, then you won't give much a shit about shallow people who reject you since you know you deserve better than them anyway.
     
  10. Jax12

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    I'm sorry he said he said that to you. You are worth so much more than just your physical appearance. While guys out there are physically attractive, we must also consider their mental health as well, something that no one can "see" (which I think is just as important as physical health).

    I think it's great that your exercising and working out to lose weight. Have you made changes to your diet as well? People gain wait because they consume more calories than they burn. Your family being naturally large may pose difficulty, but it's not impossible either. With that said, do it for your physical health, not because you want to "look" a certain way. Social media lies to us a lot. In reality, the longer we have the ideal of looking a certain way, the harder it'll be to accept ourselves for who we are.