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Bisexuality Monogamy and Sexual Satisfaction

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nickw, Aug 28, 2020.

  1. Nickw

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    There have been some great comments on the difficulties in being out as a bisexual in another thread. A common theme though is how difficult it is to be in an opposite sex marriage with strong attractions for the same sex and not feeling we can act on them.

    So what does one do?
     
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  2. KJmusical

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    No answers, just solidarity. As I’ve gotten to know some other married bi folks this seems like a really common thread. I’m feeling it. I know covid isn’t helping.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    It is no different than being in a monogamous monosexual marriage. Straight people see other opposite sex people all the time and only if they choose to will they have an affair. Gay people are around same sex people all the time and again they will only have an affair if the choose to. Bisexual people may or may not encounter more people that they find attractive but still if you have chosen to be in a monogamous relationship you choose to or not to have affairs.

    A possibility that some people explore is to be in some form of polyamorous marriage, of which there are many types.
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    When you realise your sexuality later in life and you are already in a heterosexual marriage, I think there is a difference. In that case you may never have had an opportunity to explore your feelings and attraction to the same sex. I can understand why it might be incredibly hard to discover this new part of yourself and then have to come terms with the prospect of never being able to explore that side yourself.

    Though, I do agree that cheating is a choice.
     
    #4 LostInDaydreams, Aug 28, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2020
  5. Nickw

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    @QuietPeace

    For me, the attraction to men and women are distinctly different and intimacy feels different. Both are compelling In their own right.

    In other words, for me, My sexuality is only partly fulfilled if I am with one or the other. This does not mean monogamy cannot work. It just takes different tools to cope.

    Unfortunately, for me, I have a high sex drive. When my wife and I were young and very active sexually I never thought of men. But, when her sexual energy dropped it became very difficult to keep the same sex desires from overwhelming me.
     
  6. QuietPeace

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    @Nickw It seems to me that you have several options.

    Ideally your wife would be amenable to opening your relationship. You can still love and care for her and be with her while also being with one or more men all depending on the arrangements that you both agree to.

    If she is not willing to accept that then you need to decide.
    • Stay with the commitment that you made before you understood that you wanted other things.
    • Get out of the marriage and explore other possibilities
    • Have an affair (I think this one is bad, I have had a spouse cheat on me, it is not fun
    Sadly when people change (and all do, if you are not changing and growing you are essentially dead) and even grow apart, if they cannot find a way to work it out together sometimes marriages end. Relationships are difficult, so is not having a relationship.
     
  7. Nickw

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    Thanks @QuietPeace

    I DO have an open relationship. I’ve had a boyfriend for a couple years. He’s a lot younger and I am sensing he needs to move on pretty soon. At least I hope he does cause he really needs a life partner.

    I am in a particular stage of life where it works to have a boyfriend (early sixties) My wife is uninterested in sex now. But, I see the future needing to be monogamous again. I wonder how I will cope. Of more interest, I am curious to hear how other bisexuals balance this.
     
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  8. JessNC

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    Nick, wondering how you moved to an open relationship. My spouse and I are in the midst of navigating things and some version of an open relationship is a direction we may need/want to pursue.
     
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  9. Nickw

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    I did the “out to wife monogamous bisexual” for about 6 months. My wife was really good about everything. We would guy watch together, she attended Pride with me. I started attending gay events in platonic mode such as gay skiing and gay picnics. I made some gay friends. My wife became comfortable with this part of me. I had never been with a guy. One day, at Pride, a young waiter saw my Tshirt and started flirting with me. My wife observed how much I enjoyed that. So, she offered that I could get with a guy for light play. Just touching. That didn’t work well. It was fine with me but the other guys wanted more. So, my wife and I changed the rules to include anything but intercourse. That was our thing for a couple years. It worked great for awhile. But, I met a young guy who was pretty new at gay sex. So, I asked my wife if he and I could do more. She met the guy and said OK.

    So. Now I have a regular FWB who my wife adores. The main thing is to be always honest and always communicate. It also helps to not push too hard. And, there is a lot of reassuring that is necessary.
     
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  10. JessNC

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    Thank you, Nickw. It is helpful to hear your story. I do not see mine unfolding similarly but the similarities are telling. And, as is often said on EC, we each have our own path.....
     
  11. Nickw

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    JessNC

    How could you see being a monogamous bisexual and be satisfied?
     
  12. RD Spencer

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    Maybe being aware of your sexual desires before marriage makes a difference.

    When you already know there is potential to go either way beforehand then it becomes one of the deciding factors in committing to marriage.

    Realizing after ward is a different story.


    I knew beforehand and even though I tend to fantasize a bit more about men I do find my wife very attractive so not too big of a deal.

    Every now and then there are times when I wonder if my wife would be ok with me exploring, but in reality there is not much motivation for this. Probably because I don’t connect well with most men just on a friendship level. In my line of work most of the guys are old school average bros. Our personalities are just way too different and my lack of interest in any sports doesn’t help either.
     
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  13. BiGemini87

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    Absolutely this and the @QuietPeace's post. I think if I'd had experience with same sex relationships prior to my marriage, I probably wouldn't spend half as much time fantasizing about women as I currently do. It ebbs and flows, but I think it's something that's always going to be there.

    I definitely don't regret my relationship in the slightest, as he's the person I want to grow old with. I won't lie though; if I was ever given the green light to have a single, sexual encounter with a woman I share chemistry with, I'd take it--and I know this isn't my bisexuality talking, but my limited experience with relationships beforehand on a whole. I went through some cold feet issues early on regarding male friends, so I know that's a big part of my struggle, now that I've embraced my attraction to women.

    The difference of course being that since I have had experience with men, it was easier to overcome those feelings than my unexplored attraction to women.

    But no, I'd never cheat, not in a million years. What I have is too important for that.
     
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  14. Bastion

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    What can one do? Well it’s a good question but very hard to answer. I guess everyone’s situation is different and it depends on a lot of things. For me am still struggling to get past how people in my environment can be so judgmental and unforgiving in their attitudes towards anything that is different to what their perspective or perception of things are.

    Maybe each person has to create his own path and narrative to whatever his situation in life might be. Having said that, even if his close inner circle accept it. The people at large in society won’t understand it and that’s the bigger issue here I think. Because in the end you can’t live in a bubble.
    Somehow you have to conform to a certain community’s rules and if you don’t you are an outcast.

    So yeah. What can one do?
     
  15. SilentM

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    It is different to me.

    This is because to me sex and intimacy are two different entities. Generally intimacy comes first as I need at least a degree of trust, caring, liking and so on to have enjoyable sex. I need to feel safe and accepted.

    You see I was raised by women. I think I understand them a shade better than man usually do. I like them better and definitely trust them more than men. I don’t mind doing things that are considered “female jobs”. I have romantic feelings for women. This is high level intimacy followed by passionate sex.

    I don’t get this with men. I don’t feel comfortable in relationships with them. It’s always a bit tense even with best friends. If I get more intimate (bonded) with a guy I sometimes feel like wanting to kiss so I tense up even more. To me sex with a guy is comparable to masturbation: it’s about self acceptance, friendship and fun but to fall in love? Talk sweet? Cuddle? C’mon.

    Having sex with another woman doesn’t feel right because I don’t know how to love two people the same way at once. If I had to I’d go with prostitute because this allows me to replace intimacy with control this could work. But with a guy? It changes nothing. I never wanted to have a boyfriend or a husband just friends.

    When I was getting married I though it’s a pity I didn’t try this just once, just to know how it feels like. But my wife demanded full exclusivity. In the beginning it didn’t matter because she cared a lot about my sexual satisfaction. Now she has different priorities and monogamy is simply preventing me from having satisfactory sex life. Oddly enough I love her and don’t want to divorce or cheat.