1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Bisexual: wanting the gender you're not with? Sexual identity crisis.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Laura27, Dec 20, 2015.

  1. Laura27

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2013
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    the Netherlands
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So I always thought I am alone in this, but since the world counts 7.3 billion people that is highly unlikely. :slight_smile:

    I have posted some threads on wanting to be with a woman and doubting my bisexuality. I sometimes think I am 100% homosexual but confused. I am currently with a boyfriend, which makes me appear heterosexual. In the meantime I watch (stalk) lesbians vlogging about their relationships on youtube, marvel at women's beauty and attractiveness in the streets, envy lesbian relationships and feeling weird in my new found heterosexual identity.

    During sex I keep worrying about my fantasies, which mainly include women. Apart from the sex with my boyfriend I can fantasize about men. If have a weird thing of somehow liking men, but not being included in my fantasies. If it is another woman or man, than I am fine with it. I have to disassociate to be able to enjoy the fantasies about men. It is a little weird, I know.

    BUT I just realized that right after dating women, I was okay with dating men. In fact, I dated 5 of them and I liked one man in particular a whole lot (my current boyfriend). I somehow knew I wanted to 'claim' him and eventually I did. I was thrilled and talked about him all the time.

    2 years later and I have tried to break up with him twice, cried multiple times over not being able to express my queerness (quite a empty feeling, to be honest) and not feeling as heterosexual as I should, worrying about leaving him for a woman if we would marry because I found out I am gay after all. We have an open relationship, which I initiated because I want space to breathe. I am confused, since I am quite happy with him. After a while of doubting whether I want to be with him, I realize he is perfect for me and I regret everything I thought. I all of a sudden also notice that I find some men I know attractive. I cannot find peace in this relationship and I don't know why. I love this man and he means a lot to me, but is it really the love you need for making a committed relationship work?

    I still remember the moment I realized I might like girls. I was confused for such a long time, since I always new I was different and repulsed by marriage and hetero couples, but I was not sexually repulsed by men. The weird thing was that I could picture men in homosexual relationships and I really liked the idea, but of course there was no place for me. The moment I pictured me and another girl together something clicked and I cried the whole evening while listening to sad Demi Lovato music. I was a mess.

    When will I be sure about my sexuality? I came out of the closet as a lesbian when I was 16, then everyone assumed I was bisexual when I got with my boyfriend at age 19, and now I just call myself bisexual. The only think I am 100% sure about is that I am NOT straight :grin: Because of all this I now know everything there is to know about sexual and romantic attraction and identities and end up educating straight people on the subject.

    I just don;t know whether my restlessness stems from being actually a lesbian or being young and not ready for commitment. I really want some opinions of self-identifying lesbians, gays, bis, poly- and pansexuals on this. I have seriously considered posting this in the 'lgbt later in life' section, since I am worried about realizing homosexuality when I am much older. We have talked about moving in together but first I desperately want to be content with myself.

    Thanks lots for ready my ramble <3 any reply, advice or experience stories are much appreciated.
     
  2. Contact1111

    Contact1111 Guest

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2015
    Messages:
    363
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New Paltz, NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    All of what you describe sounds pretty typical for someone who is bisexual. What you describe is the one "downside" so to speak to it. When you are in a relationship, with either sex, you can pretty much guarantee that you will sometimes find yourself fantasizing about the other gender. Unfortunately, there isn't any way around this, and you aren't going to be able to always do everything that you want to do. However, it would be no different if you were with a woman. It would just be a reverse of the same situation, you'd be with a woman........ but think about being with a man sometimes. Nothing you said indicates being fully lesbian
     
  3. fxngirl

    fxngirl Guest

    I'm in a similar situation as you are. I thought for this entire year that I was a lesbian, but then I fell for a guy and I found out that straight sex isn't as bad as I thought, so it's pretty obvious that I'm not a lesbian. I haven't fallen for a girl yet and I have no experience with girls, but I feel attracted to them, although I often find myself worrying that it's just a momentary "state of confusion" and that all this mess will end with me realising I had been straight all the time.
    Sometimes, though, I feel that I'd like to be in a relationship with a girl, although right now I'm dating a guy. So you're not alone in this.
     
  4. BaldOldGoat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2015
    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    From your description, it sounds to me as though you may be what is sometimes called "gay oriented bisexual" (Kinsey 5-ish), with your boyfriend being someone with whom it works to express your straight side. My only concern would be whether or not someone who is significantly same sex attracted really belongs in a heterosexual relationship? I say this because I am facing pretty much the same thing you are in terms of "I came out as gay do I have to come out as bi all over again?".
     
  5. QBear

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2015
    Messages:
    323
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Western Great Lakes
    Gender:
    Male
    I can relate to many of the experiences you've written about, except in reverse, from a queer male perspective.

    I can particularly relate to your interest in and fantasies about gay male relationships. I really enjoy authentic butch on butch lesbian porn and fantasies, and I love hanging out with lesbians, and have had many lesbian friends over the years. And, interestingly, my lesbian sexual fantasies don't involve me, just as you report your gay male fantasies not involving you.

    At some point, I just accepted that this is how I'm wired - that I'm a guy who really likes butch queer women. I have also contemplated that perhaps I'm bi-gendered - that I have both strong masculine and feminine aspects, that that both of those aspects are queer - so that the man in me is attracted to other men and the woman in me is attracted to other women. I'm not sure yet that that's exactly what's going on, but there's something to it.

    I also share you anxiety and obsessive concern about get married to an opposite sex partner and then coming out as exclusively later in life. I've stressed about that for years, and its caused me countless hours of freaking out. In fact, that singular fear was a big part of why I joined emptyclosets in the first place. (You might relate to my first ever EC post that details my situation, as well as the follow up posts in that thread that I made that detail my progress: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...cted-women-but-emotionally-attracted-men.html )

    I've found that working on more fully accepting my bisexuality has gone a long way towards alleviating that fear, as has actively incorporating my bisexuality into my current relationship. I am lucky in that my amazing girlfriend is also bisexual, and a bit gender queer, and totally comfortable incorporating gender play into our relationship and sex life.

    However, that this wonderful queer person is my partner isn't purely luck, but rather the result of conscious seeking on my part. After my marriage to a straight woman ended, I consciously decided that I would only date other queer people from now on. Honestly, dating straight women just doesn't work for me. Straight expectations just don't feel comfortable.

    So, my questions to you are:
    * Have you talked about incorporating your queerness/bi-ness into you current relationship?
    * Are there ways you can do more to incorporate your queerness/bi-ness into your relationship?
    * Is your boyfriend bisexual/queer?
    * If not, would dating someone who is also queer/bisexual feel more comfortable?
     
    #5 QBear, Dec 25, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2015
  6. Laura27

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2013
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    the Netherlands
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you all so much for your replies, it took me a while to reply since I've been incredibly busy and was in a situation where I did not want to think about this.

    I have fleeting moments of liking the idea of my boyfriend and long vast periods of times that I am certain that I am gay. That is something that was not obvious in my first message, I conclude this as I read it back.

    'My only concern would be whether or not someone who is significantly same sex attracted really belongs in a heterosexual relationship? I say this because I am facing pretty much the same thing you are in terms of "I came out as gay do I have to come out as bi all over again?".'

    I have the same concern. I grew up knowing I did not like straight relationships, knowing I was different, then I started being attracted towards girls, struggled with my lesbian identity, finally accepting it. Being gay is a huge thing in my life. And yes, there is fleeting attraction towards men. But is it enough? In my case, it is enough to sustain my relationship, but I am not capable of regarding my partner as an equal or my relationship as a longterm, happy thing. Well, sometimes, but more often not at all. And that is not enough in my opinion. My partner deserves a girl who is 100% into him.

    By the way, I stopped defining my sexuality since I am not as comfortable with bi/pan/poly as I am with gay, but I am in a straight relationship. I call myself 'not straight'. Labels should not define a person, in my opinion. I came out twice, too, by the way, and it would surprise you how flexible people are in accepting me.

    My boyfriend knows everything. He knows I used to identify as a lesbian and that he is one of the few exceptions that I make. He is completely okay with that, from the beginning on. He is open to less conventional sex and talks about his curiosity towards gay sex. He is very sure he is straight, though, although he would have no problems with being bisexual or gay whatsoever. One year ago I wanted to break up with him and I told him in tears that I would never love him like I would love a woman, then took everything back. He knows everything and he chooses to live with me being like this. I will tell him the same before I fly back to the south of Europe again for my studies.

    Not relevant at all, but he told me that there were two girls in high school that were in love with him, that turned out to be gay.

    I would be more comfortable with being with a woman since I do not fit the assumptions people make about me being straight. I feel so stuck when people assume that I could possibly consider actor/friend/whatever x attractive since NO, I usually do NOT like men, very sparsely I like them. This results in me being overly vocal about my attraction to women, while I would never speak about men since I am seldomly attracted to them.

    I will let him know, again, and think about it, again. I am not happy. Sorry for my ramble, I am so tired but if I don't post this now, I will never do.
     
  7. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I can totally relate to your situation! It's uncanny how similar they are. I actually posted about this the other day
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...85-straight-relationship-but-questioning.html
    I have been in a straight relationship for three and a half years, but I have repeated questioned whether I was truly happy in it or not. Because I am waaay more attracted to women (the same sex as me) than men. But my boyfriend is my best friend. I don't know if I care about him so much because he's my best friend, or because I'm truly in love with him. I guess I still have more thinking to do...I can relate, though. If you need someone to vent to, you can always message me.