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Bisexual and marriages

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jakebusman, Nov 29, 2018.

  1. Jakebusman

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    Is it possible to be happy and be bisexual in a marriage because here lately last couple months feel like my bisexiality is bringing me down
     
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  2. Mystic flower

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    I am struggling with it also. My husband is accepting, but not completely. One of the biggest obstacle I face is that I live in an isolated, very homophobic community of almost 3000. I am pretty much in the closet, my mother would disown me if I came out to her. Not only is my community isolated, I am related one way or another to so many. It is very frustrating, so I understand being bisexual can bring you down. EC has been my second home, the people here are welcoming and accepting 100%. Keep posting, we will help each other.
     
  3. Redwinerox

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    Honestly you ask an excellent question. I wouldn’t say my long term marriage is remotely happy. We have happy moments, especially with the grandkids. But on the whole not blissful. I used to act out / explore my bisexuality in the past and 3 years ago made a commitment to myself that I was going to stay faithful as long as I was in this marriage. It has been difficult to say the least. My bi fantasy life has been an frustrating rollercoaster.

    I have a much longer story which I won’t go into here, but my wife can’t work due to a car accident years ago and I’ve been the sole breadwinner/caregiver since. That has made the decision to part ways a more difficult one for sure. I met an amazing lady online and in person before I committed to be faithful. She was accepting of my bisexuality and even supportive. So, there is hope if something does change in my life. For now I’m looking for happiness where I can find it and really locking in on those moments. Thankfully, the holidays bring a multitude of those opportunities. I wish you well and hope you can find happiness. Life is short and fleeting we both deserve to be happy.
     
  4. Dollop

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    i think as long as you communicate with your partner then there is no reason why u cant be happy and be bi in marrige
     
  5. Jakebusman

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    How did you explain bisexiality to your spouse ?
     
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  6. Mystic flower

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    He instigated a threesome with a woman friend who we were drinking every other weekend with for about a year. He wanted a threesome for months but I begged him not to. I knew I liked girls since I was a teenager, but never acted on it as my community is highly homophobic. One drunken night it happened when husband convinced her to make the move, and I hated myself for enjoying it and became depressed. It took a long time and therapy to accept myself. Back then, my husband was very abusive and used alcohol to control our marriage. He was a gentleman after each time she was intimate with us. It ended badly. I don't know if that answered your question, but that's how I realized I am indeed into women. I am, unfortunately, having a hard time being intimate with my husband. I fake it, and I don't think he has noticed. I am waiting for the right woman to come into my life, perhaps one day. For now, I am focusing on keeping my marriage and not include others.
     
  7. LaneyM

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    @Jakebusman I have tried to explain to my husband that for me, it's like I am two sides of the same coin. Sometimes I find a degree of comfort in heterosexual life and roles. Sometimes I long for a completely different dynamic in a relationship with another woman. To me, yes it is about sexual relationships, but it also encompasses how you want to live your entire life. So sometimes I want to live both lives at once but have no way to do that. I personally am not sure if I'm truly bisexual or lesbian, as I have been attracted to men in the past but not as strongly as women, and I feel like the fact that I've been able to accept my sexuality more recently has made it clearer to me that if I had the choice today I would not pursue relationships with men. But to be truly bisexual (I think, at least) means you could see yourself enjoying both hetero and homosexual lifestyles. And being humans (and humans living in a society that mostly values monogamy), I think that ambiguity can make us very uncomfortable, and that's why bisexuality is so complicated. But from my conversations on EC I think it is possible to find a good balance and be happy, especially when you have people in your life that understand and support you. I hope this helps a little and is not too vague. You can always write on my wall if you need someone to talk to.
     
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  8. LaneyM

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    I feel the same way. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage forever, but for now I want to be faithful to him because I value the commitment I made. I also need to work through other issues to determine if it's really my sexuality/marriage status hat's making me unhappy or other factors from my past that I'm working through in therapy. I'm trying to do the right thing, but I think my life may end up going a different direction in order for me to be happy.
     
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  9. dirtyshirt84

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    Just wanted to say I totally relate to this. Especially the two sides of the same coin and the longing for a different dynamic.

    I have always felt that being bisexual should be amazing but our society seems to value monogamy and putting people in boxes so ambiguity is hard and requires a level of explanation I can rarely be bothered with, if that makes sense.
     
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  10. LaneyM

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    It does make sense. Hence the term "bisexual erasure." I think it would have been easier for me if I'd dated girls, or dated more in general, before I'd married, maybe I'd have a better idea about myself and would have made other choices. But with my religious background that simply didn't happen. I think I'd be more scared to come out as bi to a lot of people than to simply come out as gay, honestly.
     
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  11. Nickw

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    Boy. Do I agree with this. I am gay with my gay friends and straight with my straight friends. There just seems to be no middle ground. My gay friends are no more accepting of my sexuality. It is the strangest thing.

    To try and answer Jake's question. I struggle with a balance to my sexuality on a daily basis. When it is just my wife and me there is no problem. But, she struggles with the social aspects of my bisexuality as much as I do. She is on guard all the time. Tonight, at dinner with friends that don't know there was some joking around about gay stuff. Not unfriendly at all. Just that my friend had been hit on by a gay guy and he was cool with it. I joked that I could totally understand where the guy was coming from since I found him pretty hot. I spoke with total honesty and yet no one knew I was telling the truth. It was me joking. My wife was very uncomfortable.

    I think it is this sort of thing that is more difficult than me having occasional discreet encounters. That has not been an issue. But, my wife has to be in the closet with me and that is a lot to ask.
     
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  12. Fuzzy

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    Sure, why not? The question is, are you a monogamous sort, or not? If you are not inclined toward monogamy, then being married could be challenging regardless of your sexual orientation.
     
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  13. Tightrope

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    It can bring me down, too. I'm one of the indecisive types. I'm decisive with just about everything else in life! It caused me to avoid walking down the aisle. If you have, you have. That's how it is and you have to work with that or around it. I experimented early and it opened up my eyes to the variety. As for telling a spouse, each person probably knows how they would react and what might happen to the marriage. I know of a select few couples who work with it - only a couple of situations where the man is bisexual, but more of them where the woman is bisexual. That's a large inequality, too, and I wish it didn't exist. Just last night, I was at a party and there was a story being told about a woman (in a completely different place and who people would have not known) who was making advances to various people at another function and a couple of the people at the table seemed to be laughing about this woman's "going both ways." I just sat there and grinned.
     
  14. Nickw

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    This is so true. If my wife was bisexual, in a way, it would be a badge of honor as a man. What a sexist thing to say. But, there is, definitely, this fascination by straight men with bisexual women. One of my friends had a three way with a lesbian couple (well really bisexual I guess). He still believes it to be one of his best sexual experiences. The thing is. It's the ONLY sexual experience he has ever disclosed to me. He's proud of it and he, in most every other case, is reserved and respectful.

    I've been looking for about a year for a new regular FWB. I think I may have found the guy. If my friends find out (and they might with my new friend) about me, it will be a scandal even though my wife is on board with it.

    I wonder if this is a cultural thing for the US and northern Europe? I met an Italian who advised me that it was not that uncommon for a man like me to have a younger gay lover and a wife. Is this just fantasy or has anyone else heard of this?
     
    #14 Nickw, Dec 8, 2018
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  15. Tightrope

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    I think it was okay in the days of the Greek and Roman Empires. I would expect it to be uncommon today. Maybe men having mistresses is more common and overlooked.
     
    #15 Tightrope, Dec 11, 2018
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  16. Desertcat

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    Is the answer Group Marriage?

    https://www.huffpost.com/entry/get-ready-for-group-marri_b_1064115
     
  17. rmgreen3

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    I’m in a similar situation. I realized that I am bisexual a few months ago. I’ve never been with a guy before, but I’m positive that I’m bisexual. I still haven’t shared it with my wife for fear of how she would react. She is pro lgbt, but I don’t think she would handle having a bisexual husband very well. For that reason, I’m not sure how or even if I want to share my bisexuality with my wife. It’s sort of a scary thing and I have had a great deal of anxiety over it since I came to the realization that I am bisexual. I think that it’s awesome that I can genuinely be attracted to both genders, but sadly the rest of society doesn’t seem to feel that way. I’m not saying that bisexual women have it any easier, they have their own set of issues to deal with. But it makes sense why a lot of bisexual men stay in the closet.
     
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  18. Nickw

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    I was in your place a couple years ago. Actually, the phase where I wanted to tell my wife, but was afraid to was about ten years. We had a very active sex life and my wife, for a number of reasons, wasn't into sex and then a hysterectomy killed her drive completely.

    I was the poster child for a monogamous husband. I didn't even fantasize about either men or women because I considered it cheating. Over a 3 month period I had two women and a man hit on me. I think I was putting out signals that I needed sex...badly. I didn't cheat, but I started doubting my marriage and pretty soon became very angry at my wife. This is pretty common. I have talked to a number of men and this anger is one of the stages. She had done nothing wrong. One day, she asked me if I was having a affair and I told her about the passes. We tried to rekindle some sort of sex life but it wasn't working. The next thing I did was almost hookup with a man. That was the last straw and I came out to my wife.

    To my surprise she laughed about it. So, you never know the response. After another six months she actually suggested I find a man and discover what I was missing or I would never be satisfied. So, we set some rules.

    Some wives can be very excepting (I saw this typo but it works either way...accepting). My wife has attended Pride and gay ski week with me...Some just freak out. I, quite honestly, had no idea how my wife would respond and that's the only issue she has. That I didn't trust her enough to tell her.

    I will offer you the same advice I offer to every guy like you. Only you can know if and when you come out. But, please, don't cheat and please don't enter the angry place. It was a terrible way to treat the woman I love.
     
    #18 Nickw, Dec 12, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2018
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  19. Tightrope

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    I read all of it but am focusing on how you end the post. What does "the angry place" mean?

    You are right in that every situation is different.
     
  20. Nickw

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    Tightrope

    I have discussed what happens to guys like me that have been married often for decades with a couple dozen guys.

    It is common to start to feel resentment that our wives control or "own" our sexuality. That we cannot control it, express it, or own it. That everything we think, all of our desires, all of our sexual needs are something that we have to have permission to express. Then, often, we reach middle age, and so do our wives, and the intimacy becomes less. In my case, my wife held the keys to ALL of my sexuality...

    This made me angry at her for everything. I just couldn't discuss with her why because that would require me to come out...to be vulnerable...So, the intimacy became less and less and I could only be hurt and angry. It's an ugly place to be avoided. I wish someone had warned me. A lot of guys I discuss this with feel the same. This anger that we don't understand.
     
    #20 Nickw, Dec 12, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2018
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