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Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dccollege, Sep 10, 2012.

  1. dccollege

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    I realize that this post is unique and prob a bit out of place for this site. But I was hoping to get some advice since I don't really know where else to go. Maybe someone here has encountered a similar situation.

    Here's my deal. I'm 21 years old, senior in college. I have always and still do identify as straight. I have absolutely nothing against gay people whatsoever. I go to a liberal city school where there's lots of LGBT, I have a gay friend, he tells me about his relationship... no big. I have an open minded family, not religious, etc.

    When I was in HS I was very much a late bloomer. I was very overweight and unattractive, and puberty didn't come for me until senior year. I had one girlfriend, but dumped her when we started to get serious because i didn't want her to see me naked. I know sounds weird.

    Anyway, because of my obvious self image issues I was always envious of the good looking, developed guys. Specifically the jocks. The first time I ever came was when I stumbled across an erotic story online about a dude hooking up with another dude on his wrestling team. I would often check out dudes in the lockerroom, and get off to their pics on facebook. Yea, I get it. This sounds really weird. By the way, I'm not some creeper - I'm legit a nice guy.

    After I graduated, my parents moved across the country and I was all alone with no friends for three months until I started college. During this time I became sorta addicted to gay porn. I would watch it and get off every day sometimes twice. Im sure being lonely and bored had to do with it. This continued for my first three years of college until now. The entire time, I would do this, but I never thought of myself as gay.

    During all this time I never really got with any girls, mostly because I was really fat and unattractive. Well last year I dropped 50 lbs, started lifting, and now I'm in awesome shape and look really good. Well about six months ago, I got high with my buddy and had a realization that I've been doing all this stuff, I must be gay. I was like wow. The next morning, I wasn't so sure and was questioning my realization. Since then I have had constant anxiety over whether I am gay or not. It literally bugs me out not know where my life could be headed.

    In the meantime, I've had all these girls wanting to hook up with me. They're really hot and I enjoy it, but I'm unable to have sex with them because I start getting this gay/straight anxiety. BTW, I am still getting off to gay porn quite frequently.

    I finally decided fuck it. YOLO, ill try it out that's the only way you can learn. I put up a post on craigslist of my body, and had a bunch of dudes message me. Alot of creepers, but I started talking to two nice guys, and they both wanted to meet this weekend.

    The first guy was very attractive, he said he was gay but in the closet. Fratty college type, i felt comfortable about it. I checked out his facebook he was legit, said he had only been with three guys before. We covered our bases on stds and not being killers. We decided to meet. I got really drunk before since I was nervous. We met up, talked about our deals, I told him an express version of all of this - left out the self image stuff. We then decided to hook up. He gave me head for about 45 minutes and I couldnt even get it up. I felt bad, so I returned the favor and it took him 5 min. Granted I was really drunk so maybe that's the explanation. As I left he told me that I'm prob not gay.

    The next morning I still felt really unsure about all of this. I thought I would have an epiphony but didnt. I decided I would meet the second guy who I had been talking to. He was also my age, plays football for his college, really athletic, bro. He's straight and said this would be his first time ever with a dude. We hung out all day and watched football. He then came back to my place and we proceeded to hook up. We both got super drunk and I let him perform anal on me with a condom. I don't remember how it felt. However he slept over and in the morning when I had sobered up we hooked up again. He went down on me for a while and it did nothing. I then told him he could do anal on me again with a condom. I felt nothing. It felt like I had my buddy lying on top of me and and he was poking at me with a stick. Afterwards he told me he really liked it, and all I could do was get up and go to the bathroom.

    This second guy was a really nice dude and we got along really well. We've been messaging back and forth about our sexuality all day today. I told him that while I like him as a friend and I think he's really cool, despite the fact that he is very attractive, hooking up with him did absolutely nothing for me. It was kind of just like lying in bed with another guy. I think the alc allowed me to get intimite, but even then, I wasn't really enjoying it.

    After four years of thinking that I had some sort of gay/bi leanings, and then hooking up with two dudes, I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm not attracted to men at all? I also feel bad because I hooked up with two randos this weekend, which isnt good, and I think I let both of them down so I feel bad / selfish.

    I've been dating this girl for a while, and I really have been enjoying her around. Friday night I slept over at her house. All we did was makeout but it was awesome.

    This weekend was three nights of crazy behavior, but I think I realized that I'm not gay? I'm not normally like this, really its the first time ever. I don't know. Being with two guys did absolutely nothing for me. It didn't turn me on. It was just like being there with another dude. I could tell they were into it, but I wasn't.

    I feel shitty because Im a good looking virgin who is dating a girl that I could probably get with. I then hook up with two dudes, and let one of the give me anal. I felt terrible about that and sort of disgusting.

    I know my behavior is really crazy, bad, and unsafe. Meeting randos online, despite talking it over first with them, and taking every precaution possible, is still very dangerous. Furthermore, alcohol makes it even worse. On top of that, I'mm being incredibly dishonest with this girl I'm seeing since I sorta cheated on her.

    However, I do feel that maybe for the first time I was honest with myself. Clearly that's been an issue. I'm starting to think that while I can tell if a dude is attractive, I'm not actually attracted to them? I don't know. Why have I been able to get off to gay porn for so long?

    I will say that after this weekend, all of the anxiety I've been experiencing about being gay or straight has gone away completely. Considering that it used to keep me up at night, thats a good thing.

    I don't know what to think of myself. I'm really struggling. Someone will probably tell me to get professional help on here. Should I? I do not plan on repeating this behavior at all because I know that it is unsafe. Fortunately, I did use protection, and got background talked with both guys so I felt okay about all of that.

    What is all of your takes on this? Is it weird now that I've done this. Will I ever be able to have a loving relationship with a girl? I know this isn't "normal", but it's 2012 - we do what we need to do to figure ourselves out. I'm really trying not to mind what society thinks, and actually find out what I think deep down.

    I know I sound crazy but any help would be so appreciated. I keep telling myself that I'm young, its ok to experiment as long as your safe. That's the only way we know. I tried it, I didn't enjoy it because it wasnt for me. I need to stop the porn, and move on with my life. It will all come together soon.

    Please let me know what you think, any support would be so great. Thank you so much.
     
  2. Chip

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    Hi, and welcome to EC.

    There are a lot of layers to your situation which make it difficult to discern a clear answer.

    My immediate thought is that if you are wanking to guys facebook pics and watching gay porn... straight guys don't do that. :slight_smile: Ditto gay porn. If you're watching mostly or exclusively gay porn, and jerking off to it twice a day... straight guys don't do that.

    Now... from what I'm understanding, you've never hooked up with a guy when you weren't either drunk or hung over. And that also tells me something.

    So what I'm thinking is... in spite of saying you have absolutely no problem with being gay, you wank to gay guys, watch gay porn, look at guys, and have hooked up only with guys. And you self-identify as straight. No offense, but that's some pretty intense denial. So there's got to be some deep, unconscious discomfort with the idea of being gay, in spite of what you're consciously saying.

    And that's totally understandable, because being overweight is a huge shame issue (shame = deep-down belief that we're not worthy of love and belonging), and being gay is also a huge shame issue. So my guess is you have some pretty strong defenses against the shame, to the point maybe you're not at all aware of it.

    Now, this doesn't absolutely mean you're gay. You've got some level of attraction. So you could be bi, or you could be so in denial that you're trying to convince yourself you're straight.

    But, given what you've said, I think it's highly unlikely you're totally straight, and I suspect both the lack of any strong feeling, and the lack of any strong sexual desire is probalby tied up in the numbing about the shame.

    Now all of this is conjecture, and could be entirely off-base. But I guess I'd first ask how it sits with you, whether it seems to resonate at all.
     
  3. Gen

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    First of all, if I were you I would disregard your first two expierence. You were nervous, than got drunk, which would make your probability of obtaining a erections -0% :/. Even once you sobered up, the alcohol is still in your system and can effect your reproductive system. You always may not be into recieving anal sex either. Though I would try it again if you want to because your prostate is connected to your "sexual organs" so you most likely wouldnt feel anything either.

    You dont have to be gay, you could be bisexual. You also have to remember that you apparantly didnt want to automaticly "jump" the girls that were after you either so it is possible that you may need more of a connection with a guy before you would actually get into it. The idea that you are excited and interested all the way up until the point when you have sex is a red flag that the sex is probably the problem.

    If you are truly happy in your relationship at the moment than by all means continue. Though I wouldnt rule anything out based on these expierences. I would say to strive without the alcohol next time and take it step by step. If you are more interested in hanging out at the moment than do rush it.
     
  4. dccollege

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    Thanks Chip. I completely understand what youre saying. I'm really trying to be rational about this whole thing because I want to figure myself out. Obviously the past few days have been very out of place for me, and not my typical behavior. Before I started getting off to pictures of other dudes I never had any gay feelings or thoughts. I always wanted to be with a girl, but would tell myself that I couldn't because of my shame issues. Then, in away, I became attracted to the "internet" so to speak, and that lasted for three years.

    I'm sick of that, and I want to be able to have a real relationship with a person. I know that I will be much happier that way. I don't care if it is a guy or a girl, just someone who I am attracted to.

    I came to the conclusion that there is no way that I am entirely straight, given my behavior. Granted I know that I am not gay because I am sincerely attracted to girls.

    This puts me in a weird situation. I guess sexuality must be on a sliding scale. Anyway, although it is somewhat impulsive, I decided to experiment. The first experience was weird since I was indeed drunk the entire time, and didn't know the guy. T

    he second one though, we hung out all day sober. He was a really cool guy, we had a lot in common, and I thought that he was attractive. It was both of our first times and we soberly agreed to do it. When we started messing around I was drinking. But alot of things put me off. First and foremost, he smelled like a guy. That wasn't cool. Also he wanted to snuggle after and be affectionate. That was straight up weird for me.

    This is all kind of shocking. Going into this, I was almost hoping to have an awesome experience, so that I cut put the pieces together and come to a conclusion. I mean, from my description I agree, it would make sense that I'm gay. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I just felt dirty and gross about it all. I don't know. But thank you for the advice.
     
  5. Bree

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    If it helps, I've been with both girls and guys. I find both attractive to think about. I've never really enjoyed hooking up, and frequently felt unclean and gross afterwards. I HAVE felt sexual attraction before, but only strongly to one person who was unavailable- so I know I'm not asexual; I just don't feel anything for ordinary hook-ups, I need more than that.

    You were drunk-strike one
    You were nervous-strike two
    You weren't crushing on either of these guys-strike three

    I won't make any assumptions about your orientation, but maybe you haven't met the right person yet, regardless of their sex/gender?
     
  6. gobadgers

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    It sounds like you're dealing with an enormous amount of anxiety related to the fact that you really weren't that sexually active at a younger age (17 or 18 or 19) and now you're really unsure of how you feel about either sex. It's understandable.

    Some professional help might not be out of the question. Based on your user name I'm guessing you go to GW or American or Georgetown or some other DC school -- I would imagine all have great University health programs. Look into them, particularly if you want to keep your parents from knowing that you're having these problems.

    Question, on the sex part - you said you couldn't really get it up -- did you do any foreplay at all?
     
  7. Bree

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    After 45 minutes of sucking foreplay is probably irrelevant. It does make me think the alcohol might have been a contributing factor though, because I doubt that your average cock can stand that without showing some response through sheer physical stimulation, regardless of what the human attached to it is thinking.
     
  8. Chip

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    The wanting to be with a girl thing is not uncommon for many gay men (including me, actually.) They'll go through life thinking they're straight, being gay never really enters into their consciousness, sometimes into their 30s or later. It's denial. And then one day, something happens, and they find themselves looking at gay porn or guys or something and liking it. This is very, very common, so what you've explained doesn't excuse you from the possibility you're gay.

    Again, that too, could be a function of denial, and is also a very common first response to guys who are in denial about being gay and coming to grips. I went out with a guy for a while who was totally gay, totally into sex, and then, after he'd orgasm... he'd be completely disgusted, grossed out, and immediately get up, say he wasn't gay, and lunge for the shower. He's now in a 10+ year committed relationship with another guy :slight_smile: And, in a similar way, if shame and anxiety about the possiblity of being gay are there -- and I think they are for you -- then that could easily affect your ability to maintain arousal, to numb yourself out from the feelings, and so forth.

    What I hear is that you keep wanting to be with guys, but you keep *convincing* yourself you want to be with girls. That's not someone who is bisexual, or straight. You get my drift...? :slight_smile:
     
  9. Pseudojim

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    who do you crush on, emotionally? Guys or gals?
     
  10. Ianthe

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    Yes. The most popular version is the Kinsey scale.

    Kinsey scale - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia :slight_smile:


    If you hook up with guys any more, try to do so without being drunk. You'll get a better idea of your feelings. But I think you can figure things out without doing that, through introspection.

    And please use condoms, for anal sex in particular. You probably know that, but I don't want to assume.

    Does the girl you are seeing think that you are seeing each other exclusively?
     
  11. dccollege

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    To answer your question I have only ever been emotionally attracted to girls. I mean yea, I've gotten off to pics of guys. But never the same one conaistently. Thre has never been a guy who ivreally like and wanted to be close with. I've also never fantasized about the guys I'm actually friends with. Only strangers or ones that I barely know. As for girls I fantasize about them. I consistently fantasize about the same girls, ones I'm even friends with. Straight porn however doesn't really do it.

    I completely accept that for me its definitely not black or white. Maybe all the porn I watch has messed with my natural perception or sensitivity?

    I also worry that if I do end up with a girl it would be hard to be honest about my past experimentation. Whereas lgbt ppl are obviously used to such past confusion.
     
  12. Chip

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    Porn doesn't impact sexual orientation, so you can rule out that idea. And if I had a buck for every gay guy who, early in their coming out process, said "I'm emotionally attracted to girls, but physically attracted to guys" I'd be doing pretty well. :slight_smile:

    So what's confusing me is, you're saying that you fantasize a lot about girls, but you consistently watch gay porn. So, to get graphic, what are you thinking about when you masturbate? Are you masturbating to gay porn? Or are you masturbating to fantasies about the girls?

    If you're masturbating and ejaculating while thinking about guys, but (while not masturbating) imagining yourself in a relationship with a girl, living in a house with a girl, and so forth... that's not sexual attraction, that's trying to hold onto your "straight" identity.

    And I suspect there's still some deep-seated denial/fear going on about being with a guy. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense that you'd constantly be looking at guys, wanking to Facebook pics of guys, reading and getting off to wrestling fiction, etc. And that would explain why you've never felt like you want to *be* with any of the guys you fantasize about and jerk off to... because that would pierce through the denial.

    Does all that make sense?

    But if you're genuinely masturbating and sexually fantasizing about both guys and girls, then yes, you're most likely bisexual.
     
  13. Msab007

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    From all I have read, I would conclude, that you've got severe anxiety, which is causing your thought process, to be rendered useless, when you have hooked up with guys, and with that being said, find somebody you trust, a close friend, that is gay, or bi, if you think they're attractive, and like a lot of their features, yes, I know, as, you said, you aren't attracted to any of your guy friends, you still, subconsciously, think about them, without even knowing that. I also, agree with Chip, he has some very good points, and is pretty much right on track, when he's trying to give you advice, on this topic, now, with all this being said, you definitely aren't straight, and from the way you feel, I would say, as a professional, that you are, oriented as: gay, and have bi-curious tendencies, which is causing the attraction to girls, at the same time, as the attraction to guys.
     
  14. Gen

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    Re: Bicurious in college, experimented with 2 guys, now i think im straight? Please h

    ^Giving advice and support is very much encouraged on the site. Unfortunately, this thread is over a year old and I'm afraid the OP hasn't posted since. I don't think we can be much help to him now.