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Bi Phase

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LilLady9, Mar 2, 2022.

  1. Contented

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    I felt that as my same sex attraction grew and my attraction to women faded it would be disingenuous to label myself as bi. For me I felt because at one time I thought I was attracted to women and could have sex with them did not make me bi, just a confused buried homosexual. I certainly don’t discount that people are legitimately bi just for me the bi label just seemed like try to hide the truth.
     
  2. ScottG

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    5 years ago I considered myself "straight" - never even thinking seriously of sex with another male.

    Then something switched. I was in a wine bar and this male waiter started giving me a hot feeling- spontaneously. I was so surprised I felt like that! When I was 12 ( I'm 48 now) I got that same feeling looking at a shirtless male friend but thought nothing of it.

    After that waiter experience I started getting more and more "hot flashes" They would last a few hours at first. Then they started lasting far a day or more.. I would feel sexually attracted to men and then I wouldn't. Each phase started getting more gay and less straight.

    Fast forward to now where I have lost most of my sexual attraction towards women!
     
  3. Contented

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    ScottG, I think you will find many of us here on EC experienced the same feeling of desire for intimacy with women fading as we acknowledged our same sex attraction. For me it completely disappeared and frankly it was a relief to finally be done with heterosexuality, it’s simply did not fulfill any of my emotional or sexual needs. As men replaced women as objects of sexual desire I experienced sensuality and passion that I never had with any woman. I realized in short order what I had been missing. I embraced my homosexuality and knew I could never go back, nor did I or do I have any desire to be straight. The whole idea of heterosexuality now seems repugnant to me.
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    I wouldn’t describe it as a “bi phase”, but before I joined EC there was a brief period of time (a couple of months) where I thought that I may be bisexual. I wasn’t even really questioning at that point and I was just beginning to acknowledge my attraction to women. I didn’t identify as bisexual, but it was more a passing thought along the lines of “If I were to be single again, then I wouldn’t rule women out”.
     
  5. ThxSens8

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    I sometimes wonder if some bisexual people either (consciously or unconsciously) fake being totally gay in order to get out of a straight relationship in which the love or attraction has naturally faded.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    I’m not fully sure who you are referring to specifically, but from what I have seen on EC, the vast majority of people in this situation, which includes me (assuming that the implication is that I could be unconsciously bisexual?), found the prospect of ending their heterosexual relationship to be a huge struggle. The sexuality element probably made it harder to unpick and process, rather than offering an easy exit strategy, so I’m not sure what would be achieved by pretending to be gay? Is the implication that it would be easier?

    When I left my ex, I did so because I was not happy in the relationship and because it was an unhealthy relationship. Whilst I knew that I was gay, that was never something that I discussed with my ex. So, I effectively faked being straight. Part of me feels that I took the easy way out, but it was necessary. Where possible, I do think that honest communication is best.

    Just editing to add that ending any relationship is hard, whatever the reason, and the above isn’t suggesting that ending a relationship that has run it’s course is easy.
     
    #26 LostInDaydreams, Mar 27, 2022
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2022
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  7. ThxSens8

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    This post of mine could sound accusatory and I didn't mean it that way. Something relationships just need to end, and I don't judge anyone on how they go about it.
     
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  8. LostInDaydreams

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    No worries! I didn’t read it as an accusation. I was more unsure about what you meant and where it was coming from.

    I agree there are instances where people are questioning and their existing heterosexual relationship should probably end anyway, either because it’s unhealthy or because it has run it’s course. There are also likely cases where there’s a little bit of both going on.

    However, in those situations it can take a lot of unpicking to work out what’s fuelling what. For example, if communication is poor is that because the relationship has run it’s course, or with honest reflection, has communication never been open? Has it always felt like something is missing in terms it connection? It can take time to work through, and where applicable, accept that the relationship has to finish. In the end though, I don’t think it really matters what fuels what.
     
    #28 LostInDaydreams, Mar 27, 2022
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  9. Chip

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    I personally have not run into this.
     
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  10. out2019

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    The label 'bi' never seemed to stick with me, but looking back there was a period that I was convinced I was still attracted to women and that I could somehow skew my behavior so my gay 'fantasies' would fade away.

    Though I didn't label it that way at the time, it was a form of the 'bargaining phase"- OK I have strong gay feelings but I can fix them, because I notice beautiful women on the street.

    It ended when I realized I had no or little sexual attraction to women and one day, spontaneously I realized I felt 'relieved' that I wasn't forcing myself to look at women and try to be aroused.
     
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  11. hopefulB

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    It really is incredible how so many of us have the exact same experiences. I did the exact same thing. Actually feeling some sort of weird pride when a woman struck me as attractive, like I'd accomplished something. Only after years of doing this did I really understand that attraction shouldn't feel like work.
     
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  12. out2019

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    Or sex! :slight_smile: or that you have to close your eyes and think about a guy! :slight_smile:
    Yes! It 'proved' I wasn't gay and I had some hope that I would become sexually aroused. Looking back I was more interested in the clothing she was wearing :slight_smile:
     
  13. out2019

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    Really this was the key for me to understanding I was gay. Sexual fantasies came naturally, with acceptance, romantic fantasies as well, where it was an effort to try to construct either about women in my head. Despite denial and repression, I could get 100x more aroused thinking about a man than I could with a woman.
     
    #33 out2019, Mar 28, 2022
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  14. hopefulB

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    haha yes, was ALWAYS closing my eyes to think about a guy
     
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  15. hopefulB

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    So true. With photos of women I'd have to really convince myself.
     
    #35 hopefulB, Mar 28, 2022
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  16. out2019

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    I have posted this elsewhere but I had a pivotal moment when I was watching a dance performance and the men and women were in the same leotards and tights. I was still trying to convince myself I wasn't gay and was eyeing the female dancers. I saw the butt of one and started to get turned on, and then I realized it was a guy. For some reason it 'broke the ice'. The 'evidence' was right there, same clothing male and female (earlier I rationalized i had a 'fetish' for tight fitting clothing).
     
    #36 out2019, Mar 28, 2022
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  17. hopefulB

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    That's amazing! What a moment! A no doubt about it ringing of the bel.
     
    #37 hopefulB, Mar 28, 2022
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  18. out2019

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    The funny thing is I first thought "there's a nice butt, wow - this proves I am not gay.. oh wait... " :slight_smile:
     
    #38 out2019, Mar 28, 2022
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