Bi Phase

I'm not sure if I'd call it a phase but I've identified as bi since I was like 16 and I'm now 33, it doesn't feel right anymore so I'm identifying as queer or a lesbian.

 

I got into a long term relationship with a man, it's been 8.5 years, just recently became poly and am dating a woman so it's been very eye-opening. I mean I've been in a relationship with a woman before but now I'm also realizing that I don't really find men very attractive. Not super into hetero sex.

 

Things change, right? But it's one thing to recognize that your attractions have changed, and quite another thing to say that all your past attractions to one gender were just not real.

The two of you seem to be talking about a change in attraction, not a denial of past attractions. People who use the bi label on the path to gay are often holding on to the hope of a straight-passing relationship, and their straight attractions are not nearly as deep or real as the gay ones.

You two, at least to me, sound like you were truly bisexuals, but now you are shifting more towards one side, and if it feels authentic, it is, right?

 

Well, I'm bi and I go through straight phases and gay phases multiple times per day. It's pretty awesome.

 

Yeah it feels more authentic now for sure, I'm still very confused about my deal with dating men so much and all that. I'm Judy not attracted to men's bodies and didn't have a great time with them.

 

Oops, I misread your post!

 

While technically I'm still bi, I identify as gay because that's how I pretty much feel. It took me 2.5 years from when I accepted I was bisexual (Kinsey two) until the time I accepted I was predominantly gay (Kinsey five). I went up the scale, three and then a four before accepting I was a five, with each rating having what I call an adjustment period to see if it felt right. The higher I went, the more right it felt. I do from time to time find women attractive but that's not where I see my future any more.

 

I thought of myself as bi for almost twenty years, though deep down knowing I was probably gay. I absolutely used bi as a bridge identity. So I was doing a disservice to bi people but I know I was doing it out of self protection.

 

I've wondered if I was straight/gay and lying to myself somehow- but if I said I was either one I think I'd actually be lying to myself. 'Picking' either one would be ignoring the fact I've fallen in love with both sexes and enjoyed kissing both. Sure I went through a long period of trying to force things with guys at one point because I felt like I was supposed to, and thought it would make me happier to have somebody (it didn't, I just broke a few dude's hearts and I really regret that). I'd had my heart broken really badly too (long story) and never let anyone fully in, until my girlfriend came along last summer. Case in point, I realized I have a lot of internalized stuff and it's why I was so self unaware and in denial. I am bi, and I have been all along.

 

That kind of summarizes how (I think) most bisexuals struggle under society's idea that you're either one or the other.
It's a struggle that is really hard when bisexuality is almost never presented as an option or as an acceptable option. We really struggle with the idea that only single-attraction is legitimate, because we feel authentic sexual/romantic attraction to more than one gender.

I think that is changing for younger generations. At the very least they have easy access to information about bisexuality.

 

For me the bi phase is that I can feel pretty straight one day and pretty gay the next. Sometimes it just sucks.

 

I feel you there, it's really frustrating. Even when that happens though you're still bi, remembering that helps me stay sane.

There's actually a whole name for that whole thought process- it's called the 'bi cycle". Once you recognize you're in it, that cycle is easier to stop.

 

Not so sure I had a "bi-phase," as much as it was an acknowledgment of my past relationships and sexual experience with the opposite sex. In the distant past, I had some decent relationships and great sex with women, but, as time pressed on, and I further accepted my same-sex desire and a loss of interest in sex with women, it seemed more appropriate to identify as gay. Maybe it was inner bargaining, but felt more like trying to not diminish my past, if that makes sense?