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Bi man feeling frustrated

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mike0322, Jul 18, 2020.

  1. Mike0322

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    Hello everyone! I'm a bisexual man in my mid-30s who is married to a wonderful woman for the past six years (together for 8 years), and while life can get hectic sometimes, I am happily married, our sex life is good and frequent, and I feel like our relationship is strong. I am feeling just generally frustrated though. I am not really out to anyone, including my wife, who has pretty strong opinions against men who are bi (I had a friend from college come out on Facebook and when I told her about it, her views were pretty clear-she would never be with a guy who was bi). It sucks not being able to be out to others and it can get lonely sometimes because I don't have any friends to talk about being bi and about the challenges of being bi, as well as the misconceptions people have (not that close with my college friend anymore). Hence, why I decided to join here!

    I also find that during the pandemic with so much time on my hands, my mind has wandered more to thinking about men. I only had a couple of experiences when I was single, but it was with a guy who I didn't like or connect with that much and I find myself thinking and daydreaming about sex and intimacy with men that I would connect with and like. There are have been times in the past where I've wondered if I was just gay, but I am often attracted to women, I thoroughly enjoy sex with my wife, I love kissing and being intimate with her, etc. However, I think in large part because I've got so much time on my hands, my desires are really strong right now for men. Not sure if this is a common experience for people who are bi, but there are times in my life (weeks/months/years) where I think much more about women and then other time periods when my desires are stronger for men. I think I'm in that stage where my desires are strong for men although I am often brought back to women when my wife does something sexy or we have a great night of sex.

    I just needed to blow off some steam, see if anyone could relate, and just see if I could connect with anyone else who was bi or even lgbtq as friends.
     
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  2. Snowqueen

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    Hiya, I'm gay and only recently accepted it after years of questioning. Happy to chat if you need to vent or just a listening ear.
     
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  3. Sundara

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    Hi Mike,
    Enjoy your life, my suggestion is if you have opportunity to be with a man just do it and if you need sex with your wife, it is absolutely your obligation.
    I myself, I am married and since the birth of my son, the third kid ( I am an Asian and living in an Islamic country) I lost my desire to have sex with my wife. It is very hard to start my sex activities with her from the beginning. She seems to be angry but she believes me that I am straight still.
    Sometimes I meet a man frequently and my sex desire is normal. I enjoy being with a man and I always have great time with him.
    You are living ini free country and I believe you can express yourself more than I do.
    Honestly I have desire stronger with a man than with a woman but because of my kids so choose to stay in this comfort zone.
    If I living like you in a country where LGBT is free of course I will choose to have a boyfriend or husband.

    Greeting from equator regiion
    Enjoy!
     
    #3 Sundara, Jul 18, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2020
  4. DecentOne

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    Welcome to Empty Closets Mike0322,
    Yes, there are times I’ve noticed a swing from males to females. I too am in the situation where I love my wife and yet I’m fantasizing about guys. That male-dominated fantasy emphasis started a little over two years ago, so I’m just a couple years into claiming my bisexuality.

    Some folks on this forum have called it the bi-cycle.

    I disagree with Sundara about taking an opportunity to be with a man. You love your wife, and cheating on her causes all sorts of problems. I am so glad I have not done that to my wife. She was hurt enough to learn I’m not heterosexual, when I came out to her. I was completely thrown by her reaction, as she is otherwise an ally for LGBTQ folks.

    It took my wife at least 18 months (and a couple therapists) for her emotional roller coaster to smooth out enough that she was embarrassed to be reminded of what words and attitudes she threw at me in the beginning. It does get better. For pride month this year she got us matching car magnets with the rainbow flag and pride sayings... whereas even a year ago I was afraid of how she was going to react to me picking up a couple equal-sign magnets for us at the pride march in the city where I worked.
     
  5. Mike0322

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    Hey would love to chat and talk more about this, it's nice not feeling like I am the only one who is dealing with my sexuality. Thanks!
     
  6. Mike0322

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    Hey DecentOne, I agree with you, I don't have any intention of cheating on her. I'm so happy that your wife has finally accepted it! It's nice not to feel alone in this and I'm glad that you don't.
     
  7. NotTooLoud

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    I think I like the idea of being indecent sometimes.
     
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  8. Journey616

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    “ I think I'm in that stage where my desires are strong for men although I am often brought back to women when my wife does something sexy or we have a great night of sex.“

    I feel you Mike. I’m in the same position as you but my wife knows I’m bi. But everyday it’s a constant fight inside because my need for a man is so strong. Covid has made it worse I use to have time alone in my commute and see hot guys during my day at work. But now I’m stuck At home with my thoughts. And the thoughts are getting stronger and stronger. I feel you brother.
     
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  9. Bastion

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    I can relate to that. I wonder all the time. I mean how come some of us go through these phases. And what do they really mean?
     
  10. Journey616

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    The phases are so confusing I’ll go months thinking of only men and the for 2 straight months it will be only women. But the the men come back with a vengeance even strong than before
     
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  11. Nickw

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    In another thread I mentioned how difficult it is to keep up the process of coming out as a bisexual. To confuse it, I, too, go thru these cycles of being more attracted to men sometimes and more attracted to women other times.

    I tend to believe that our sexuality doesn’t really cycle. But, how it manifests might depend on stimulation from either inside or outside. For me, the outside stimulation is the pandemic. I just want to go to a comfortable place. Before that, the fear of change kept me from really admitting how important my same sex desires were. So, I could set them aside in a box to be taken down and opened when it was safe to do so.

    Denial can be a very useful tool. As @OnTheHighway mentioned, sometimes you have to be vulnerable and let go of the constraints we all use to protect our false narratives we have built for ourselves.

    Maybe the cycle is real. But, maybe it can also be an excuse?
     
  12. Journey616

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    It very well could be a subconscious excuse because I am in a state of denial. If and when I do follow thoughts like those it leads me down a rabbit hole where it creates more thoughts and more confusion. I try to just enjoy the moments inside the “cycle” or “phases“. staying in the now has helped a lot with handling those moments. It releases me from the turmoil in my brain. I know about putting feelings in a box. I feel like all my emotions have been compartmentalized.
     
  13. Nickw

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    @Journey616

    You are out to your wife. Do you have any regular conversations about your sexuality?
     
  14. Journey616

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    Yeah she knows I’m bi or whatever I am. We don’t have a lot of conversations about it. I’m more of an introvert so I keep my thoughts to myself. Unless she asks how it’s going. I’m not one spark up a conversation on the topic. She considered herself bi earlier in her life. So she is understanding. Sometimes she’ll help with some of my needs by use of toys and what not. But it’s rare. Because it’s not natural to her. How I came out to her was because she had feelings for another girl at work. So I saw that as an opportunity to let her know of my curiosity if other men. We did do some therapy together about it. Does wife have any clue about your sexuality?
     
  15. Journey616

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    But she has always said if I need to talk about she is there for me. Or if I’m in my head and really struggling then she is there for me.
     
  16. Nickw

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    Each relationship is different. When I came out to my wife, the biggest reason was that I felt my sexuality was so much a part of me that I could not share all of me with her. The lie was destroying my ability to be vulnerable with her. Not coming out sooner is, really, my only regret in life. I just couldn't do it and I think our relationship suffered because of it. We talk about being vulnerable a lot on this forum. I didn't understand how important it is to be able to be vulnerable with the person you love. To allow them to reach the inner layers. It's still a work in progress for me.

    I was so afraid of my wife responding negatively to my bisexuality that I hid it from her. Hiding part of my sexuality meant, for me, that I couldn't fully engage the other parts of my sexuality. I'm a very sexual person. My wife is not. So, I felt ashamed to ask her for a higher level of intimacy. Instead, I let her drift away in the intimacy department. And, she was fine with that. Then menopause completely took away her sexual desires.

    My wife and I are now in an odd semi-romantic relationship. She is quite happy with non-sexual romance with me having my sexual needs met by my FWB. But, that is not really the case. I still desire the intimacy with her. We've not been talking about this much lately and I can see that is not a good thing. She loves my FWB and she likes the arrangement we have so she is vested in the status quo not changing. Plus, the pandemic has me not wanting to rock the boat either.

    I urge you to try and engage your wife on a regular basis with what you are feeling. I have let this lapse for about 6 months and now the process is much harder. There is something about mixed orientation marriages (which is what we have) that is even more sensitive to communication than other partnerships. Just checking in with your wife may help with some of the frustration you are feeling.
     
  17. Journey616

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    I hear you Nick.my wife is worrier so I don’t like bringing it up a whole lot as her mind goes to worrying that I might actually gay deep down. I use to journal my struggles but haven’t lately. Like I said, I tend to enjoy the moments rather than letting fear in so the struggle isn’t as bad these days, because I can live in the now more. We are not in an open marriage. so I don’t have the fwb opportunity you have. But I think I will try to do more check ins with her. Open communication has always been better when it happens. Thank you for reminding me of that.
     
  18. Bastion

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    Is there really something called the Bi Cycle. It’s interesting. I’ve never heard of it. How long does last and will there be an outcome at the end?
     
  19. Nickw

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    After I came out to my wife, we continued to be monogamous for about a year. During that time, I made some platonic gay friends, went to Pride, attended a gay ski week and a gay campout. I had never experienced same sex intimacy (I never cheated on my wife) yet I was able to, at least partially, engage the non-straight parts of my sexuality. In some respects, this was the most satisfying time of my life. I could guy watch with my wife. We did a little role playing. Our intimacy improved. It was so refreshing just being able to be honest. It also felt good to be able to be with other men who shared my attraction for men. Even though it did not include sex.

    I could see me going back to that after my FWB moves on. I love him dearly and the intimacy is wonderful. But, I don't think casual sex appeals to me at all. Finding another situation like I have would be great. But, I do get how rare it is and I don't expect that will fall into place again.
     
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  20. DecentOne

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    Is it real? It feels real. I don’t remember if I came across any study trying to prove it or document it. I just read about it online, and the description fit what I experienced.

    I am not worried about it lasting, I just go with the flow.
     
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