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bi? lesbian? i dont know!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by givenchy, May 27, 2018.

  1. givenchy

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    i have always known i was not straight, i have been calling myself bi/pan for a few years now and thats fine, i came out to my friends and all was well, then i began thinking about coming out to my family and all of a sudden i started feeling like bi just wasnt it... its not fitting.
    so recently a boy started showing a bit of interest in me and i went out with him and i kinda just felt nothing, well like bc he liked me i liked him you know? anyway so i got to thinking that i want to marry a woman, where if you had asked me a few years back i would have said "well, i guess i'll get married, if i find the right guy... like Harry Styles or Oscar Isaac" i don't know when that answer changed but when i think now of being in a relationship with a guy it makes me feel kind of weird, and thinking of doing anything sexual with a guy makes me pretty uncomfortable. this is only a pretty recent thing too (the last 6-8 months maybe)
    i talked about this to someone else they mentioned "compulsive heterosexuality" and i had never thought of it that way, but does that sound right?? is it compulsive heterosexuality or am i just confused i really dont know.

    (i hope this makes sense! sorry if it doesnt!)
     
  2. amylase

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    well, i can definitely relate to 'compulsive heterosexuality'. if you asked me a few years back, i thought i'd be forever alone because in my mind the options were either marry a man or nothing, and i didn't want to marry a man. it seems like the relationship you described felt like 'going through the motions' (ex. you liked him only bc he liked you) and this could be a sign that you're just dating this guy because you feel you need to, sort of. especially if you never want to actually do anything sexual, or anything with any guy.
    also, it's a 'red flag' that you're not really attracted to men when you can only think of good-looking celebrities. they have fame and talent and maybe you are mistaking admiration for attraction.

    yet even with both these things in mind you could still be bi. you could be 95% female leaning and maybe a guy or two will turn your head, and that's perfectly ok. labels get tricky once there's a preference toward one side, but if you are more comfortable calling yourself bi/lesbian/or even queer then that's purely up to you <3
     
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  3. Mihael

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    Compulsory not compulsive (sorry for being a vocab nazi).

    If it is not clear if you are bi or not, it's hard to tell :/ I agree with the poster above.
     
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  4. Gamer77

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    Okay so I am a bi female in a straight relationship. At times I feel more “gay” and I find myself really wanting the company of a woman. Since I’m in a relationship do you think that theres any different than me wanting to sleep with other guys. I feel like a bad person because he says there’s no difference between me wanting to be with a woman or a man. Is this cheating? Or is it different because I’m attracted to the same sex too?
     
  5. Gamer77

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    Added on to that...he thinks the only reason I feel like that is because I have commitment issues. That I don’t want to be in a relationship and I want to be able to be with anyone I want. He says there’s no love in a relationship if you can’t be committed (and I agree) which I guess is how I feel. I care about him. But not being able to be with a woman hurts me to the point that it drives me crazy and depresses me.
     
  6. Love4Ever

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    I think it's cheating anytime some is with someone else without the knowledge of consent of the other person they're in a relationship with. That said, if everyone is okay with the situation I don't see anything wrong with having multiple partners, sharing partners with your partner, having sex with someone else outside your relationship, etc. Consent is the key. Lying and sneaking around is wrong and gender to me has nothing to do with it. It is totally normal though to crave a woman though and if you're in a relationship with a guy and you're not getting that and you need that, you should tell him how you feel. Explain to him that you're not being fulfilled. This of course is working with the assumption you want to stay with your boyfriend and you are happy with him. Obviously, if you feel you two are incompatible that is a different matter.
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    Here is something worth pondering: if you were with a woman right now would you still crave your boyfriend? I think the answer to that can tell you whether you just aren't being truly fulfilled or if you are not 100% happy with your boyfriend.
     
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  8. fleetwoodpacman

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    Comp het (short for compulsory heterosexuality) is something that both lesbians and bi women can go through. Feeling uncomfortable about the idea of being with a man can be a sign of being a lesbian, but it's not obligatorily a sign, because bi women can also feel uncomfortable around men and have complicated feelings towards them. You can still identify as bi even if you deal with comp het.

    But if you feel like the bi label isn't working out for you, I definitely reccommend looking up more about comp het because it affects lesbians in a way different from the way it affects bi women. It can make you believe you're attracted to men when you're actually not. If, for example, you feel attraction to men but that attraction makes you feel uncomfortable, upset, sad, or you wish it didn't exist, it might not be attraction.
     
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  9. Gamer77

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    I totally agree with you. Neither of us are comfortable with an open relationship or anything like that. What he is saying is that me wanting to be with a women is that same is me wanting to be with another man. To him there’s no difference. He thinks sex is sex, no matter who it’s with. I think it’s different. Don’t you?

    I honestly don’t know if I was with a woman if I would still want him.

    And I do feel uncomfortable sometimes. I feel like it’s not really what I want even though it does feel good. I feel like I just do it. Like I’m just going through the motions of it all.

    Thank you guys for the support. Sometimes I feel like my friends and family just tell me things to kind of manipulate me into what THEY want me to do. It’s really confusing. I really appreciate your honesty.
     
  10. Leah061

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    I feel like I'm in the same boat, I really don't know what to call myself. As I've began to accept my feelings for women, I realize that I might be totally gay. But I've dated men my whole life and I am having a hard time contextualizing that in my newly discovered attractions toward females. I did know my whole life I liked girls, I just haven't accepted it or had the courage to try to understand it until recently. I didn't hate dating men, I just always felt like I had to reallllly want to be with them in order to feel something for them. I completely relate to the feeling of "he likes me, so that means I like him" too. I've been thinking about comp het too, and if that's why I thought I liked boys for so long, or if I actually did like them to some degree. I don't feel that way for boys now, and I haven't in a long time, so part of me also wonders if fluidity is a factor in all of this as well.
     
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  11. Gamer77

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    Idk about comp het. I really don’t like labels. I’m trying to stay in touch with my feelings. And for me I don’t want them to be influenced by anything. I read a little bit about it but I feel like it’s a stretch to describe what I’m going through. Some of it I can relate to though.
     
  12. beenthrdonetht

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    It is different, but it is a reasonable position to say it's not different enough. He's not being a jerk, he has the same requirements that many (but not all) people have. In other words, he's not being unfair, but he might be being incompatible.

    Now if it were me I would say "Of course you can have a girlfriend, but if you start thinking that you can have only one love in your life and it's her, then we should talk." I took that risk before and things came out OK.(I mean, we did break up, but over other matters.)