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Bi girl in hetero couple. Phases of desire? How do you deal?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bippity, Apr 19, 2017.

  1. bippity

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    I came out to my boyfriend of 5 years last spring. I admitted I was deeply attracted to women, but had never been intimate with a girl.

    You must know that I only fantasize about having sex with women, it has been this way for the past 15 years at least (I am 35 now).

    We've stayed together and bonded even stronger through much questionning (am I a lesbian? bi?), almost breakups, fights, etc.

    I finally settled on the feeling that I am bi, that I do love my boyfriend and we agreed that I could eventually, within the frame of our couple, experiment having sex with a girl, which hasn't happened yet.

    All that is good and nice but for the past few weeks now I don't feel attracted sexually to my boyfriend at all. I am uncomfortable when our naked bodies touch and don't feel like having sex with him.

    To me, having sex with men has always been very submissive and about them "taking" their pleasure. I mostly do enjoy it but the idea of lesbian sex turns me on to a whole other fantastic level.

    Have you ever felt like this, like you're going through a phase? How do you deal?

    As you can imagine, this is stirring up lots of questions for me again. Arrrgghh :bang:
    Just when you think you had something figured out...
     
  2. photoguy93

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    You're always growing and learning about who you are.
    One of my best friends is bi. She has dated both guys and girls. I think she connects better with women sexually but dates guys and obviously has sex, too. Even recently, we talked about how she might be pansexual. We can change!

    So, in your case...my first thought was maybe you are so curious and focused on the idea of sex with a woman that it's really clouding your relationship with your boyfriend. I think that you need to talk this out and figure out his part in your journey.
     
  3. Butterflies85

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    Hey Bippity, I can relate to everything you are saying! I came out to my husband a while back and framed it to him that I was Bi. He seemed to accept it (although I think part of that was denial), but would not allow me to experiment, as I too haven't had a sexual relationship with a woman. I just came out to my mum and sisters on the weekend, and now that I am shedding some of the shame and getting more comfortable with my sexuality, I am questioning if maybe I am lesbian, not bi, and have been that way my whole life. The idea of sleeping with my husband now makes me very uncomfortable too.

    I am still searching for answers, and maybe the answer is that there is no 'one orientation'/'one label'. Maybe there are some of us who are very fluid and depending on our emotional and romantic feelings towards others can contribute to what gender we prefer to be with.

    I would say that yes - I have gone through what could be labelled 'phases' of wanting to be with only women, while stuck in a hetero relationship. But here's the kicker - I question whether I am going through a "women only" phase or if that is just my true nature coming out in me and the 'hetero' side is a disguise I have been wearing all these long years to hide my true sexuality from a mostly homophobic world.

    Maybe you should take that chance to experiment with a woman that your boyfriend has offered. Perhaps the allure of the 'unknown' is also drawing you towards women more right now.

    Either way, I'm here for you - because I know how it feels (*hug*)
     
  4. bippity

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    This really rings true to me @photoguy93, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

    Thank you for reaching out @Butterflies85. What a crazy whirlwind isn't it? I'm starting to feel bad because my boyfriend wants to initiate sex but I'm just feeling stone cold, not responsive at all. I'm sure he knows what's up but I'm kinda scared to start discussing all of this again.

    How do you feel about not being able to experiment? It's so hard "not knowing". I'm here for you too!
     
  5. Butterflies85

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    Yes it so is a crazy whirlwind! And I flit back and forth between "I can make this work" with my husband to "this will never work!"

    I hear what you're saying about the sex...I feel a lot of guilt in my sexual relationship with my husband at the moment. There is just zero desire to be with him, yet he really needs that to feel confident and happy in himself. So I feel this compassion/empathy and want to make him feel better and end up having sex only to be left feeling empty and sad, while he goes away thinking we just had this amazing connection. It is very unhealthy and if I don't stop it soon, I think it could definitely ruin some of my self love and confidence I've worked so hard to build up.

    Regarding not being able to experiment, I'm not sure how I feel. Sometimes I think it would be great because I could stay married and see how things change once I've had that experience. I try to tell myself maybe I would decide that I prefer my husband...but truth be told...I think that being with a woman would just affirm what I already know in my heart... I think it would actually increase my desire to be with women because it would feel so right....and in turn would cause more pain in the breakup process than If I just quietly asked for a separation and went my own way.

    My husband actually suggested a threesome after I came out to him... and I was repulsed. I finally got the courage to tell him, I don't want to lose my "virginity" to a woman with him there...It will be a big deal for me, I want it to be loving, not sleazy, and I want to explore every inch of her body without guilt or expectation from him wanting to participate...So that kind of affirms it for me.

    When we split (it seems inevitable??) I don't want to be leaving because I am gay. Maybe that is still my shame talking...but there are sooo many other things in our relationship not related to my sexuality that are wrong.

    How about you? Can you put your sexuality aside and see how you feel about the relationship - just you and him as people?
     
  6. bippity

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    I know what you mean, those are the same feelings and thoughts I had when my boyfriend suggested a threesome. I said I didn't want my first time in particular to be a "show". Plus, I'm kind of worried I'd enjoy myself "too much" in comparison to what we share in bed and he'd get annoyed :dry:

    After much questionning over the past year, I do come to the conclusion that I truly love my boyfriend and that we share a very strong and special bond. Except I'd be happier having sex with women. Ooops. Does this mean it's not love?