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bi but suffering?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by androgynousdog, Nov 17, 2018.

  1. androgynousdog

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    hey so. i posted here a while back and i figured id come back since its been hard to cope lately.
    im currently experiencing some pretty intense anxiety in my orientation and sexuality. especially because im with this girl.
    i want to enjoy being w her and kissing her but for some reason my body seizes up and im overwhelmed by anxiety.
    im terrified i wont like kissing her or that i will discover i am straight.
    now this infuriates me because i went through a lot of hard work and i lost other girls i liked because of this.
    part of me wonders if its just me not being gay at all and being straight. but the thought alone makes me vomit almost every single time.
    i do suffer from an anxiety disorder and im trying to work on it. but its very relentless and i keep needing reassurance that yes it is real. my orientation has always been rather elusive and strange to me in the first place but i know i like f/f stuff. i just wish i was gayer/it was clearer.
     
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  2. InbornGame

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    It seems totally reasonable that you’d have anxiety about being with her if confusion about your orientation has caused you lots of stress or anxiety in the past. Overcoming anxiety is a process, and sometimes it’s a slow process. I don’t think the fact that you’re still feeling so much anxiety is necessarily an indication that you’re straight, though. Do you think she would be understanding if you shared with her some of what you’re anxious about? If she’s patient and understanding, she might be able to help you work through this and overcome some of your anxiety.
     
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  3. androgynousdog

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    she has been very patient and understanding with me thank goodness. i just. ive talked to my partners about my anxiety before and its usually not been good so ive been leaning on my friends and therapist. this happens every single time im with a girl. i cried with her because i didnt want to be a trans man and i wanted to be with her.
    it really gets me since my attraction to women is very capricious and i dont really feel immediate sexual or romantic attraction.
     
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  4. androgynousdog

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    i guess essentially its hard to feel valid when i shut down like this every time. i keep thinking that other queer people just FEEL their feelings. sometimes mine just arent there or--i wonder if its just platonic attraction since its much easier for me to talk to women. (im always rly flustered and nervous around men and assume that is attraction). i just. i want to stop losing people and i want to be okay. like actually okay. sometimes the anxiety attacks are so bad that i cant function throughout the day or i get assaulted with violent intrusive thoughts about fucking men.
     
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  5. androgynousdog

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    it honestly feels like im broken somehow. like oh man i cant even enjoy being with girls. i seize up so so badly. so then clearly that must mean i am straight. just. i fought a lot to be even okay with saying the word queer. i hate that i try to be it and i am physically incapable of it.
     
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  6. Love4Ever

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    Hi there. I saw that you liked my post about dealing with my anxiety. I just want you to know there is nothing wrong with you. I feel the way you do. I have experienced nausea and being afraid too because I have a lot of unresolved issues with homophobia and poor body image. I didn't acknowledge this for years and since I thought I was straight it was easy to idolize men and that only made my fear worse. I actually found believe it or not, that allowing my feelings and facing my fears and uncomfortable feelings is the best thing. It's like any fear, you have to get past it. I know that succumbing to fear, like you know, would make me so sad. Because I want to be with a woman so badly. It's normal to feel this way. I have come across other women on the internet who had the same fears and who were able to overcome them and be happy. If they can do it so can we. Society and our own poor self esteem can really mess us up.
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    Also I am bi too, so I get how you feel your feelings must be "fake" or not real, or that you're not "gay enough." I do envy sometimes the ability some people have to be sure of their orientation. But it's okay to not be. There is no shame about having a complicated, fluid orientation. Have you ever kissed or had sex with a woman? I haven't, and I think until you've experienced something it's hard to know how you'll feel so being scared and nervous is normal. It don't think it means you're straight either. I mean, truthfully, a straight person wouldn't want to be gay so much, or to have had the feelings you describe.
     
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  8. androgynousdog

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    thank you so much. thats. thats really life saving. just. i have had cyber sex with a woman and while i couldnt get as turned on or be as present as id like. i enjoyed it. and i liked being able to pleasure my partner. i just. ... shut off in the middle. like i just. i wish i didnt shut down. i wish i could enjoy it. its like little flashes and it never stays for long. its strange. its like i do have feelings and i dont. i fantasize and it shows up quite strongly. for certain women. and then i get there and i shut down. i hope i figure this out. thank you so much for responding. its. its really reassuring knowing there are queer women out there with desires and fears like my own. that they too ARE in fact queer and that it means smth. tht its all real.
     
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  9. Love4Ever

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    My pleasure. I am sorry you're having problems. I wouldn't wish those on anyone. I know what it's like to have good days and bad. I am sure other queer ladies here will chime in too sometime soon. :slight_smile:
     
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  10. Love4Ever

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    I think people with anxiety are more prone to feel this way too. And a lot of gay people suffer from mental health problems of various kinds.
     
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  11. androgynousdog

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    id love to hear from other queer women. because i just. i dont know what to think anymore. i keep thinking maybe im just straight and that would explain everything. im tired as hell of it.
     
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  12. androgynousdog

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    my girlfriend deserves so much better than me. i feel awful about all this and i feel like by now i should be able to tell. shes lovely with me and i just. ... cant. i cant. this happened twice before and i just. ... cant. its painful. thank you for listening. i really appreciate it.
     
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  13. androgynousdog

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    i really do love her by the way. i feel the need to clarify that. i felt a pull towards her that i didnt feel with other women and i fantasized about being with her. i drew hearts around her name and when im alright i imagine kissing her and i smile. shes beautiful and maybe we werent meant to be together but i want to make her happy. i genuinely adore her and it kills me to think that my feelings are just friendship. i held her in my arms and she smelled amazing (sorry if thats tmi). i just want to get out of this--and i cant fathom why the hell its happening.
     
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  14. Love4Ever

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    I don't think anyone doubts your feelings for her. I certainly don't. And I understand your fear. I really do. I am so afraid to date a girl because of this. I feel like getting past eleven years of being straight is a hard thing to do. But I want to do it. I am choosing to make my like the way I want by not giving into fear. I realize there is a lot of debate on whether sexuality is a choice, but for me it definitely is, and I find that empowering actually. I'm sure your girlfriend will understand what you're going through.
     
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  15. Love4Ever

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  16. Love4Ever

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    There are a lot of people too on here if you search for biromantic or homoromantic who also initially worried about not feeling initial sexual attraction to one sex or another. Some people realize their sexuality from the romantic side and others from the sexual side so not feeling something right away doesn't mean you can't feel anything.
     
    #16 Love4Ever, Nov 18, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2018
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  17. Leah061

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    I actually just read a post on tumblr that I think is worth sharing on this thread:

    "As a woman who struggled with her sexuality all her life until very recently (in terms of figuring it out, I’m still struggling because of homophobia lol), I just want questioning women to know that if you’ve been pondering on it for a long, long, long ass time, and it causes you genuine pain and distress when you tell yourself “I’m not bi/a lesbian”, I’m pretty sure you’re not straight.

    A huge part of homophobic manipulation against gay women, is to convince them that their love for women is lesser than their love for men (even when we don’t genuinely have it in the case of lesbians), it’s to find every possible way as to why this or that discounts what is obvious attraction to other women.

    If you feel within yourself the words “I want to be bi” or “I want to be a lesbian”; I’m pretty sure you are.

    How many straight women do you know that hold enough respect for gay women’s identities that they’re willing to suffer in confusion and loneliness for years?

    Which straight woman would want to be bi/a lesbian THAT badly that it causes her genuine pain to think she’s not really one? It’s not like being gay grants us any benefits that straight women would DIE for. Literally the only thing in it for any woman is the opportunity to be with women, so if you’re in pain for thinking you’re straight, you’re in pain because you think you’ll never be able to love and be with other women.

    Out bi and lesbian women who’re usually sure of their identities and who live their lives as gay women do also question whether they’re “faking” it or not, and it causes us tremendous distress to feel that maybe we’re fakes! Which is clearly something you share with us.

    Those aren’t straight feelings. Stop picking yourself apart so much. The only requirement to be a gay woman is to want to be with women."



    The fear of faking it seems to be extremely common among queer women, but if the thought of realizing that you're actually not queer and just straight gives you anxiety, if you are this afraid of hurting your girlfriend who you care about, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that you are straight. These are not the thoughts of a straight girl.

    Something I've realized is that coming to terms with your sexuality is not the way it's often portrayed in the media. Sure, there are people some people who know their whole lives, and their feelings just kind of happen (as you talked about earlier in the thread). But there are lots of people who don't know, and figuring out what their true sexual identity is, let alone tackling internalized homophobia and reaching self acceptance, can be a long and complicated journey. Social norms have conditioned us in a way that make it nearly impossible for us to see ourselves as we truly are.

    It seems like you may be struggling to accept yourself as a woman attracted to women on some level. It is so true what they say about this being a process, and it is okay and normal that you're feeling the way you are. It's not easy when you've seen yourself as straight your whole life to start seeing yourself as capable of being in loving relationship with a woman. These are normal queer girl feelings, not straight girl feelings.

    And let's just play devil's advocate for a second and say that you realize somewhere in all of this that you actually are straight. Straight, meaning you sincerely find genuine happiness in being exclusively with men, and not women at all. What's wrong with that? If it means that you find happiness in your relationships, isn't that all that really matters? Is that not the point of questioning your sexuality in the first place, to know who you fall in love with in order to live as authentically as possible? I want to be clear that I'm not trying to imply I think you might be straight, but my point is that it's okay if you are if it means that you feel loved and at peace with yourself. So if you can get to a place where you know it's okay to realize that you're straight (if you know that is truly what you are) I think you might find the self acceptance you're looking for.
     
    #17 Leah061, Nov 18, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2018
  18. androgynousdog

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    thank you so much. just. thank you. yes! those are my exact feelings. i need emotions to be involved. jesus thank u. thank u so much for taking the time to do this. thank u
     
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  19. androgynousdog

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    its so strange seeing NORMAL next to tht description. it hardly feels that way in the thick of it. thank you so much for this. :")
     
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  20. androgynousdog

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    and for the record. i have been grappling with this since i was small. even since i was a kid. i wouldnt ever wanna give up being queer and i just wanna get to a point where the anxious feelings dont come back. i want to be with women in a real way and feel the joy all the time.
     
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